Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Lots of things to say

I've been wanting to write a blog for a long time and I haven't been able to get around to it....story of my life, I know. But I'm making time now, and this may be a longish blog so get comfy with your favorite beverage and settle in and start reading...

First of all, I want to tell blogland about this Sunday...like the *perfect* day for me and Cesar.

It was crazy shitty weather but the kind you don't mind basically all Saturday night. Lightning and rain...and by the morning it was thundering up a storm and raining, and although it should have been light out it was so dark that it might as well have been nighttime. Since I didn't have to worry about the bakery and I didn't have the munchkins, Cesar and I slept in like world class champs. Thankfully, no one called on the phone and, although we did eventually wake up enough for a little afternoon delight and lazy conversation, we didn't really get up till 4 PM. After a shower, we realized we were starving (ate an early dinner Saturday and nothing after so hadn't eaten in maybe 22 hours) so we made grilled cheese and lazed on the couch watching old movies.

We did absolutely nothing all day and it was a great day. I love days when you don;t have any responsibilities and the munchkin-sized responsibilities you do have happen to be being taken care of by their Mom. :)


Speaking of Cesar, this might sound funny, but something happened that I guess is bad, but it actually made me feel good. I've talked about this before in other blog posts...that Cesar's fam is sooo accepting of me and is really cool. Well....I found the exception to the rule.

This was a week ago I guess we went a get together for Cesar's fam, it was a combined summer thing/his cousin's anniversary/and uncle's birthday deal. ANYWAYS....... I "met" one of Cesar's aunts, and the quotes are especially appropriate because she never introduced herslf, she just walked up to me and started verbally spewing at me. I only found out later she was his aunt.

I was getting some food and walks up to me and the jist of what she said was... if Cesar HAS to be a faggot, he alteast shouldn't be with a guy who's white, and doesn't belong. She told me several different ways that I didn't belong.

Cesar made a beeline for us and he wasn't yelling but he was speaking emphatically in Spanish and it was obvious he wasn;t happy and he wasn't being kind to her. She was puttering and (I could tell) being hateful and I was standing there *shocked*, somewhat amused, and wishing I could speak Spanish a hell of a lot better than I can)

Well then Cesar's Mom got involed (in English -- and I think she did this specifically so I'd know what she said) and ripped this bitch a new one. Let';s just say, Cesar's Mom didn;t leave anything to the imagination about how she felt about this woman (who is an in-law, some way or another). She defended both Cesar and me, which made me feel good on a couple levels. Good that she's not the kind of woamn that tolerates shit like that, and good that she thinks enough of me to be insulted, and defend me. And also that she defended Cesar. Because I was pretty pissed and definitely had some choice words for the aunt, but I'm not gonna potentially embarass any number of people by having a verbal throwdown at a family gathering.

But, end of story, the aunt left in a huff, and Cesar and his Mom (and others too) apologized for the way she had acted. I mean, no one likes to hear the kind of things she said, and I'm sure if I knew word for word what she said in Spanish I'd have even less happy, but I was happy in a way because now I know of atleast one whackjob in his family, and that makes them seem more normal to me, it makes their acceptable, which was so overwhelming to me for a while (and still is sometimes) seem okay to me since I know not everyone feels that way.

Was that a massive run-on? Oh well


I've beem playing around with formulating a good recipe for sweet and sour ham for the restaurant. I think I'be got a good recipe, but I tend to like it hot and I put a good amount of tobasco in it. I wish I could get samples to everyone in blogland for input. I'm going to have friends over to try it once I perfect it.


More later! Bye bye blogland!


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Why I Shy Away from the Vah-jayjay!....

I love lots of things anout women and about my female friends. Most times, I love the way they smell. For some reason, I love to walk into a bathroom after a woman has gotten ready in it. I love the way women can be great confidantes... I love the way I've seen some women in my life be so effortlessly maternal that it shocks me.

But I don't love women as far as realtionships go, and I don't choose to be in relationships with women. And I actually do have some experience in that department, so I can compare a heterosexual relationship to a gay one. At least, I believe I can.

To digress a bit, I don;t want to get into a blog debate about why I'm gay, or why I choose to have relationships with men, but I will admit this: It's not because I'm repulsed by a woman's genetalia, because I'm not. And again, I've seen quite a few, in the flesh.

Of course you could say that I choose relationships with men because I'm attracted to them, because I lust after them, because I feel more comfortable around them and relate to them, and you'd be right. That's the easy, no=brain answwer, and not the point of this blog.

Fundamentally, I choose relationships with men as opposed to women because, as a "species" I know how men think. Men, even gay men, are more straightforward in the way they deal with people. At least this is my experience.

Let me explain before you click the little X....

It's been my experience in general that with women (and I am pulling on experiences with, for example, my mom, sister, female friends, female rmployees, other female relatives and females relatives of my *current* and exes, etc), a man can never really know what a woman is thinking, or even if he thinks he knows he is probably wrong, and if he is, heaven forbid, a woman expects a man to be a mind reader. A mind reader and psychic, I think.

If something is wrong, I'm of a mind to think, "let's get it out in the open, let's just deal with it now so it can be over with." Let's NOT be made to play bs games like, well, you should know what the problem and if you don't lmow then I'm not going to tell you.


I'm niot saying these kinds of things never happen with me, just in my experience, much less often.

And yes, something happened in my life to prmpt this blog, specifically with my mother and sister, but I'm too pissed off at this moment to recount that.

Maybe a later blog, or better yet, next time I blog I'll be in a better mood altogether.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Real Blog Post, For Real, I Swear!

First off, Kalei, I'm still laughing from reading your comment to my last blog, heheh. I am alive, but I think it was you who predicted it'd be July 4th before I wrote a blog... Was it you? Whoever it was, they were right. But better late than never. Or so I assume...

OK peoples... Obviously the idea that I might update this blog with any regularlarity in the forseeable future is...laughably unrealistic. But, I still love my blog people...all 11 of you, yay! (Even the ones that never comemnt) Whatever, I haven't commented on any of yours in months ;) Oops! :P

So, to the actual blog!

The reason I haven't written for a while, what it boils down to, is that I don't have any time. I don't have any, any, any, any, ANY time to myself nowadays and I just kind of forgot about my blog. But also...and this is the big difference, I don't have any crazy angry-ape-beating-his-chest drama to report.

I'm happy. We're happy. We've actually made a little family unit. Cesar and I and the munchkins, Chas and Jensen. And a booger of a cat named Oakley.

I know now that I can honestly say that I have left behind the drama of my past relationships, and I don't miss anything...anyone. I don't even want to mention my exes' names, they are chapters of my book, long ago written and sent to the presses, no change or desire to go back.

Of course, not everything is perfect with me and Cesar. We argue. He nags. His family butts in. My family butts in. He's fiery one instant and an extreme calming influence the next. He lets me be the protector I've accepted that I need to be. We rarely go to bed mad. Stress is a constant, but it doesn't bother me or him like it has, at least for me, in the past (in other relationships).

Chas has come to view Cesar as...not another father, but I think as "Daddy's person", and this makes me very happy. He hasn't said anything about Mike is quite a while, another little something that makes me very happy.

Cesar has told me that our 30s will be a hell of a lot better and happier than our 20s were... That reminds me of something I want to admit in blogland. Cesar and I have talked to each other, frankly, about our pasts. I told him about the parts of my childhood and adolescence that weren't so shiny and and happy, and I didn't gloss over them and pretend they weren't a big deal. Cesar told me about things in his childhood and past that will remain sacred here. For me, for us, it was cathartic but easy.

Like I've said in the past, to steal Danny's expression, the Brown people agree with me ;) I don;t think Cesar likes that I sometimes (playfully) refer to his people as the Brown people. He tells me that not all of them are all that Brown. That always makes me laugh, and I'm laughing now thinking of it ;)

I will end there because it seems a good spot to end for now. I will TRY to write more soon. Soonish. Something closely resembling soon.

Love to the blog elves! Muppet Soul, Rambler, Kalei, Penz. Of course Danny, but you are only a semi blog elf ;)

Good night!


Monday, June 15, 2009

Blog Vacation

Hello bgloggy kids!!!

So.....I guess I haven't blogged in two months???

It seems like longer.

I've been on a blog vacation...and I enjoy my vacations. But, I'm back! Or at least I'm gonna try to be back....

Seems like I remember blogging could be fun ;)

Must...blog...more often!

*promises to blog on a regular basis*

updates soon!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter bo beaster banana fana fo FEASTER!


I honestly don't think I'm exxagerating when I say that I could feed all of North America with the Easter feast that has been prepared today. It's INSANE!

Must go and be a good daddy/host but wanted to wish all blogolites a Happy Easter!

Easter blog forthcoming!


-DB (Bri)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Temptation Island

Blogger kids, I need to vent.

In the last week and a half 8 of my exes and/or my past sexual partners and/or fuckbuddies have run into me (6) or called me (2) and half of them have hit on me and/or thrown themselves at me and the other half looked hot as fiznuck.

I'm saying...I'm a good boy, I'm the poster child for fidelity, but I also feel like I'm walking around with a friggin' permaboner. And aside from that, ever since Cesar moved in I feel like a 14-year-old. Cesar actually requested a rest tonight haha, he's so sore.

Oh my god, this is not what I'd normally blog about...

Basically, I'm always horny, I don't do well at all if I have to go much time without sex, but lately it's worse than normal. And all the ghosts from my sexual past are not helping!

This blog really has no point...I just needed to write a blog. I hope the soccer Moms are not offended. After all, sex happens :)

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Coming tonight

I am doing this because it will force me to write one.

PS...what does monetize mean?

PS again....I used to have 12 blog elves.... One died... What happened?????

I'm out of the blog loop, but I am blogging tonight a real blog. So stay tuned peoples!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Not Me Mondays!

I really want to write a real blog, but I feel I need to ease myself back into blogging, and I've always wanted to write one of these blogs. Plus, I can tell you what I've done lately...I mean, not done, definitely not done.

  1. I definitely did not buy a pack of American Spirits and chain smoke five cigarettes before becoming disgusted and throwing out the pack. I did not do this, because I never smoke, not even in times of stress.
  2. I did not run into an ex f*ck buddy in the bookstore and end up splitting a piece of cake with him while letting him flirt with me. I did not eventually have to remind him that I am in a relationship.
  3. I did not have a mini work-related, stress-induced shit fit freak out session. I did not go off on some of my employees because I'm never that kind of boss.
  4. Speaking of, I'm not up to my ears in orders. I should not be doing something productive and work related and I'm no0t sitting here typing this blog instead.
  5. I did not going looking for houses in person and I'm not majorly anxious to get the ball rolling on this house-hunting thing.
  6. Cesar and I are not embarassingly obsessed with American Idol this year. We do not already have our favorites. We are not so freaking happy that Tatiana and Nathan are not on. We do not think Norman Gentle got robbed or that he was so freakin' funny. We are not already totaly looking forward to tomorrow night. We do not think that other people might think that this makes us a little pathetic.
  7. Oh my god, I almost forgot! I did not see the cutest little person couple while out shopping. They were not holding hands and and being all lovey dovey about each other. It was not even cuter because they were small. I do not have an obsession with little people. I never watch Little People, Big World. I do not want to visit a town I heard about where only little people live. I do not think that this would make me feel like a complete giant.
  8. Speaking of, in one day I did not spend over $1200 in groceries and at the mall, shopping, etc. I did not do that because it would be a waste. Also, in the same day, Cesar did not spend hust about the same amount on clothes, gadgets and other odds and ends.
  9. After we finished not shopping, we did not go out for pizza and eat a large pizza between the two of us.
  10. A few hours after not eating that pizza, we did not watched a rented movie and eat a whole bag of Oreos between us.
  11. We did not feel like huge fat asses afterwards. We did not excercise all the next day.
  12. Speaking of, I did not get all excited when I did not see a new bakery that I never knew existed. And I want not hugely disaapointed when everything I order tasted average to gross. I was not later told by a friend that this bakery is known for its cakes and not the crap I ordered. Still, I don;t plan on trying any cakes, because they'd probably be average o gross too.
  13. I do not need a nap. I do not wish Cesar was here to snuggle.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Blogulous Maximus!

I haven't been on Blogger in forever. UI haven;t blogged or read blogs, and I wish I had several hours to read all the blogs I want to catch up on but I don;t have the time so it's not gonna happen.

I'm not dead...just mentally maimed...

I was going to try to be clever and write a real blog but I'm exhausted. I'm just gonna be cheap and say hello and hi and hey you, I'm still here.

I love the blogheads and will try to write a real blog soon.


(I know this is lame)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Shot in the face!

The news is on in the other room. Someone was shot in the face. I hate when that happens....

As usual there are about a million things I want to write about. For one thing, I've been tagged twice, so I need to write those blogs....

Mike, I'm formulating the Ipod blog now...

But what I really want to talk about in this blog is Walmart and The Bachelor.

I don't usually go to Walmart, you know, what with Walmart being the devil and all. It's darksided!

But ya, today I had to go to pick up some supplies and I pull in the parking spot just in time to see the hilarity unfolding in the next row of parking spots (which I was facing)

Crazy lady #1 in a blue minivan had apparently stole a parking spot from crazy lady #2 in a red hatchback. Crazy #1 gets out of the car and Crazy 2's window is down and I notice crazy 2 has a crazy approx. 10 year old boy in the car with her.

2 accuses 1 of calling her a bitch. 1 laughs at 2 but says nothing. 2 says "did you tell me to go fuck myself? you go fuck yourself!" (I can see from my car that 1 said nothing) 2 drops the c bomb in a tirade that is too colorful for my blog. I am shocked and amused in my car. 2 drives off.

I get out and I laugh with 1 about how crazy 2 was.

Awfully foul-mouthed to have a kid in the car. But then, I was in a Walmart parking lot ;)


And The Bachelor....

My ultimate shame by proxy is that my boyfriend *loves* this show The Bachelor.

The show is painfully hard to watch. What is the fascination? Why is this drivel still on the air? And I assume all the women have to be either mentally ill crackheads or straight up famewhores, either one.

I know we all have out guilty pleasures but I just can;t get behind this show. Maybe one of the blogheads can enlighten me.... :)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

House hunting

I did a bad thing...

I did something that I told myself I wouldn;t do until later, until it came closer to time to sell the house...

I looked online at houses that are on the market in my area.

And, this was the first time I had done this. Well, the first time since realizing I could sell the house for a fair price.

And I realized I'll have the money to buy the type of home I really want, like, I mean the tick-down-the-list, ideal-home kind of house I want.

And I found a house, online of course.

And I left a message for the realtor. And she called me back.

And I shouldn't have even looked. Because at least online I love the house. And there haven't been many bites since it's been on the market.

I'm not even gonna say anything else because I may hate it in person or it may have some fatal flaw, and of course I just bearly started looking, and I shouldn;t even be looking now until I'm closer to selling the house, and I may decide to move a little farther out from where I am now anyway...

But who cares? I'm excited and exhilerated that I can actually afford something that, it seems, I'd love to live in. Or, at least I'll be able to after the sale of my house now.

Yay for me!!!!!!!!!!

I'm giddy :)


Bye blogheads!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Work-related drama --- FEEDBACK REQUESTED!

Here's the deal....

I like to think of myself as a pretty good boss. I think I'm the kind of boss that people like to work for. I'm a hardass on a few things, but I also care a lot about my employees and I try to accomadate them when I can when they deserve it.

OK so, the basic dress for the bakery/restaurant is a polo shirt with the logo on it. And in the spring and summer I allow jeans (with no holes) and in the fall and winter dressier pants. The basic idea is that people look neat and put together.

OK so I have one guy that works for me, one of my gay employees that has had a hard time of it lately. I guess he never knew his dad and his mom died within the last year and he has several younger brothers and sisters he's taking care of. And most of them are a lot younger than him, almost like he is their father now.

He works a total of three jobs and I know money is tight.

Today I noticed that his pants had a hole at the knee and both pant legs were frayed at the bottoms. On his break I said something about it to him and he was really apologetic and promised not to wear the pants to work anymore and to buy new as soon as he had the money.

I eventually offered to take him to the mall after his shift and buy him some pants. I know he woks hard, and he's one of my favorite people, and I explained that it was a kind of reward for a valued employee. Plus, I reasoned to myself that in the grand scheme of things a few pairs of pants is not a lot of money to me, but it'd be good for him and he could really use them.

So later we went to the mall and he picked out some pants, very thankful, probably shy about accepting them, but happy I think. We ended up eating at the mall too because we were both hungry and I wanted to make sure he had a good meal. Ruby Tuesday's., no big deal.

Anyways after dinner I am driving him back to his car.

At one point I am looking off to the left, getting ready to change lanes, not paying attention to him, and all the asudden he's kissing the side of my neck and sliding his hand over to my junk.

I instictively shifted away and removed his hand and turned my head and gave him a "WTF" look.

I said something like, "Dude, I'm your boss, AND I have a boyfriend." (And, in case you're wondering, he already knew about Cesar)

But I instantly felt bad... If you could have seen the look on his face. Like, mortification, sadness, fear, and the oh-shit-I-fucked-up look.

He goes, "You're gonna fire me, oh shit, I don't want to lose the job, I like working for you", etc and started to tear up.

(FYI: crying makes me uncomfortable)

I said I wasn;t going to fire him.

He said, "I just wanted to thank you." and there was what I think was desperation in his voice.

It kind of broke my heart because I understood. I would have hugged him if I wasn't his boss and we were just friends.

I said, "There are other ways you could thank me, like....saying thank you." In my tone of voice I tried to make it like a joke so he'd laugh and break the tension.

But it fbackfired and he started crying harder. Told me how much stress he was under taking care of his sibs, and how he had to keep it together for them, how he couldn't just go to the mall and buy new clothes because his money had to go to so many other more imprtant things.

And I understood without any other words that he honestly felt that anything sexual between us would have been a thank you from him, and stress relief I imagine. Of course it wasn't gonna happen.

I let him talk some more and listened. Before too long I had made it to the parking lot where his car was.

He apologized again and before he got out I couldn;t help it and I hugged him and told him if there was anything I could do as his boss I'd try to help him out, and not to worry, his job was safe.

Then he got out and got his his car and drove off.

So like....feedback:

A. Did I do anything wrong, not bosslike?
B. I gotta say something to him Friday when he works next. I might just reiterate what I already said Ideas????????

Monday, February 16, 2009

I love Valentine's Day

*****Edit: I meant to meantion, (even tho I didn;t really comment) I read all of your blogs and am glad all of you seemed to have funtimes of Valentine's Day! :)

OK, first of all, over the past week there have been about a million times when something happened and I thought, I should blog about that. But then one (or twelve) of those one million things got in the way of me blogging....and no blog.

But of course I'm going to blog about Valentine's Day (which I love. if it's not obvious from the title of this blog). So get ready, any blog elves who are part of the bitter masses who persist in believing that Valentine's is just another one of the Hallmark holidays, perpetuated on a witless public, just to make bank.

No, Valentine's is awesomely awesome, and I'll tell you why....

Because of Valentine's Day I now have a new member of our family: an adorable little cat, who we named Oakley.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had made up my mind to tell Cesar that I was going to have to work Saturday, and that I had something planned for Sunday. I got Janelle to help me by copming up with a sort of involved story about her breaking up with her bf, convientiently getting Cesar out of my hair so I could preapre the meal we'd have on Saturday, get his presents together, and fix the upstairs part of the restaurant all romantical-like.

He thought I was working...which was only a white lie, since I closed the restaurant early :)

I'm gonna try not to make this blog a novel...

Janelle dropped Cesar off at the restaurant at 7 as planned (we were meant to just go home and relax, etc, because we agreed we'd celebrate V Day on Sunday). But when he got there I was already upstairs (pretending to be getting ready to leave) and I asked him to come up.

Queue romantical dinner. I even gave one of my employees a little extra under the table to play waiter. Well, at the beginning, then I had him split.

Cesar was really touched and happy and started crying a little. (Which is so cute and funny because when Cesar gets emotional his accent gets thicker aand that always makes me smile)

We ate and talked and ate and talked and ate and talked...and recemented our relationship.

I again took some bloggy advice and gave Cesar a fake out gift. Went to the Dollar Store and found the saddest looking stuffed animal bird I could find. When he opened it up and saw it I pretended to be all excited and proud of myself and said, "It's so cute isn't it? It made me think of you!"

It was HIGHlarious, his reaction. He wa really trying to appear appreciative, but his face registered confusion and I just knew he was thinking what the eff is this????!

Then I asked him if he was ready for his real present and he started laughing so hard and punched my arm. Made me promise never to do that tio him again. Hmmmm....but it was fun :), we shall see.

But ya, I ended up deciding on a gift cert. for a couple's massage and a basket of edible goodies.

He was very happy and thankful and yay!, etc

***skipping romantical after hours workplace frolicking***

Anyway, afta, afta (think Mr. Miagi) we went home and I was just planning more and varied, involved frolicking at home, but as it turns out, I had a surprise waiting.

Mr. Cesar had surprised ME (something I'm not used to, but liked) with the bedroom and bath decked out all romatical-like (I love that expression). I got queerly motional for a hot minute and started tearing up. (Yes, I was very touched and excited).

There was a box on the bed I noticed right away that was....making noise, haha. Turned out to be an adorable little munchkin kitten which Cesar and I eventualyl named Oakley. Cesar was quick to point out that Oakley was *our* cat, which made me smile, haha.

He told me he's had the cat for a week, hidng it at his place, the sneaky monkey.

***more frolicking, etc, etc, etc.***

we ended up staying up most of the night talking and playing with the cat (and frolicking) because neither of us was tired, then we crashed in the morning and woke up in the after noon.

And that was our Valentine's, and that is why I love Valentine's Day ;)

(a pic of the sweet nugget kitten [who I am petting as I type] is coming :) )

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm back ladies and gents with an update!

Oh how I have missed the blogheads and how my fingers are itching to do some typing!

Yay, and I actually have some time!

This blog is all about decisions, and actually making them. You know, one of those fun adult things.

Within the past few weeks I have made some decisions, of course along with Baby Mama and Cesar where applicable:

1. If things are still going the way they are now, Cesar is going to move in with me in the Spring. March/April. He will have to sublet, but it's doable. I had thought that things would have to be handled more delicately with Chas, but he has warmed very quickly to Cesar. Chas seems so well-adjusted and I love that.

2. Baby Mama and I are gonna have another wee mini munchkin. This is something me and Jenn have been talking about since before Cesar was even a consideration, but he's very excited about the idea. I am continually amazed at how easy-going he seems. Of course, we're not even thinking about trying until a minimum of 12 to 18 months from now. After all, Jensen is only just shy of 6 months old. But we all think that three is definitely better than two.

3. I'm very close to deciding to sell my house and look for something new. I just found out that through a sort of loophole I can sell the house to the company that my Dad used to work for (thus getting a more than fair price) and then I can probably get way more house for my money in this market. I do absolutely love my house, but new would be better. Plus, starting fresh is good too --- lots of good emmories in this house but lots of bad ones too. Things to consider tho: can I find a place with the land I have now, and the privacy I have now? And it has to be in the same school district for the munchkins. Over all tho I think I'd be stupid not to take advantage of such a sweet deal.

4. I'm considering applying for an adjunct position at a local college in the fall. I'd like to try teaching, even one class to see if I'm any good, and I could do it if it was during the day. It's not like I need something else on my plate right now, but at the same time it's an exciting idea. We shall see.

5. I decided to take Kalei's suggestion (I think it was Kalei???) about Valentine's Day. I'm gonna make dinner for Cesar at the restaurant and fix up the upstairs real nice. I've already got a whole story planned so Cesar will be surprised and I've got a couple R-rated things planned that will stay unwritten here. Still need to figure out a gift to get him tho. Have some time for that. I know he's got something planned too. He's trying to b slick but I hear rumblings, haha. I'll keep you posted. Any ideas on the gift??????

I think that's it for the mo'.

Later people


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Mission: Find A Roommate --- SUCCESS!

Yes ladies and gents, it's true, I found a roommate and it wasn't even heinously painful or prolonged.

Her name is Sarah, mid 30s, kid-friendly (ex nanny), gay-friendly (can you say fag hag?), adorable (so cute!), and, most importantly, girlie makes bank and can pay the rent!

She won;t move in till the weekend, but I already know I'm gonna like her.

None of you can see me right now, but I'm skaing my butt, dancing in my chair typing :) I'm in a rare mood and have been listening to cheesetastic semi-boyband music all night. Right now it's JC Chasez's Blowing Me Up (With Her Love). Yes, I know, gay, but then I am, so...ya know, that's my excuse :)

Oh, and this weekend I had to cater a lunch and Cesar came along, which was really fun. Really, I just ha to drop off the edibles and do a couple things, but with both munchkins with their Mom we wnded up spening the whole day and night together,

Sunday we went to breakfast/brunch/lunch (what was it?) at Cesar's Mom's and I have to say I am really liking the whole big, supportive family thing. It's not taking me long to be used it, haha.

Bottom line, I am having fun right now... And it feels good, especially after weathering so many shitstorms.

Oh, and the reason for the pic....I need to figure out what to for Valentine's Day....grrr....and I'n not wanting to do anything cheesy or generic.....Ideas??????

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I finally feel whole, I'm ME again!

I've felt this coming for a long time. I've seen signs and felt certain elements falling into place. But now I feel like it's complete. I'm back to the way I was before....

Let me explain...

Generally, I was a happy kid. Yes, I went thru something that was traumatic around the age of 10 - 11, and something else at the age of 14, but I was happy. A happy kid and a happy teenager and a happy early 20 something: popular, care-free, happy.

About six years ago tho, things changed. I was betrayed by my best friend, who I loved boundarylessly, and I went from speaking to and seeing her almost every day to never seeing her or speaking to her again. And this effected me greatly. I became depressed like I never had before and never have since.

So a month after we stopped talking, unable to shake this depression and not liking what it was doing to me, I started going to therapy. At first it was all about my friend and how I felt about our situation, blah, blah, blah. But then it got into other things: my complex relationship with my parents, those events in my childhood/adolescence. And it waws a solid year before I quit therapy becayuse I felt like I didn;t need to go anymore. Make no mistake tho, I am eternally grateful to that therapist.

Skipping ahead, since then, as long term readers of my blog know, I had two main big relationships. Of course there were other guys, a lot of other guys, but two relationships that mattered. I like to think of them as sagas, really, because they were. And both, I've come to realize, were unhealthy, and I probably should not have been with them. And I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache.

During my relationships with Ben and Mike a lot of good and bad things happened.

I have two children who I love and adore and who give me stregnth. I have a business that I built from an idea in my head that started in my kitchen.

I've had ome relationships grew so strong with my friends, and some relationships with my family fractured beyond repair.

And as these two relationships withered and died, with no hope of repair, I was not happy. I was left with significant feelings of insecurity: Was it possibe or even realistic to hope for a guy who wouldn;t ultimaely cheat on me? Would I ever find someone who I'd know, without question, was with me for who I was, and not what I could do for them? Was it worth it, or should I just forget it and fuck my way thru a series of guys?

I was bitter, and I've been bitter. And not trusting. And with the mess that is my nuclear family, I found myself repeatedly focuing on the negative. Yes, certain things made me happy, but I was no longer at my core a happy, shiny person. I wasn;t ME anymore. And I didn;t tghink I was ever going to be.

I thought that I was forever changed by my past relationships and that I would never regain a certain optimism and hope.

I am and always will be a care-giver at my core. I like to be "the man" in the relationship taking care of my man, ya know? And I thought I'd never find someone who was worth that. Or who might actually take care of me a little bit. You know, because, just in the blog world, I'll admit I like that.

Since I've met Cesar I've felt ME coming back, in pieces. He makes me remember...

So it's only fitting that what I REALLY wanted to blog about, what this blog has been building up to...happened yesterday, the day Barack Obama was sworn, the day I was (and still am) feeling so hopeful and secure.

Cesar and I were sprawled out on the sofa with the munchkin and it was getting to be Chaz's bedtime and I told him so and started to take him up. We all went up and went thru all the normal rituals and finally got him to bed.

Chaz was in bed and Cesar and I were sitting at the foot and Chaz said, "I love you Daddy" and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

And then he said... "I love you, Cesar!" And Cesar kissed him on the cheek, which made Chaz giggle like he does about a millionj times a day and I never get tired of.

And seeing that, I kissed Cesar (for the first time in front of Chaz) and Chaz just giggled like it was normal.

It was the perfect moment. And it made me ME again. Kind of put the final piece back into place, like I felt completely healed.

And later, I told Cesar how I felt. And how that had made me feel.

And I told him I loved him. And he told me he loved me. And then we told each other, again.

And I am ME. And I feel awesome. And I still remember EVERYTHING that happened after tat as we lay in bed. Of course, that bit is sacred.

I just wanted to write out how I'm feeling. Not that I'll ever forget, no matter what happens down the road... :)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Looking for a roommate -- need feedback

I'm looking for a rommmate, maybe a few roommates... It's stressful!

I've had roommates before and haven't had any really bad experiences... I loved my old roommate, who was *perfect*, but he left, ugh, and I want a roommate because rent money is good for paying these really annoying things called bills.

But, first of all I needed to decide how I was going to find potential roommates. I thought about posting on Craigs List, but I'm scared of it, haha Mostly because I've read some of the personals posted on there (thanks Danny!) and there are some mad freaks on there! I know the "looking for a roommate" thing is different but I'm still weary of it. So I decided to post at certain businesses and talk to certain people....because I figure, go where the money is, right? Go where people can afford the rent.

And I have to decide on the rent, which I still haven't done.

OK, I live in an affluent, safe neighborhood. Homes aren't small, and on a significant bit of land. And my house is (in the spring summer and fall at least) made more private by trees blocking my nrightbors view. The yard is always kept and is pleasant with lots of landscaping.

Parking in a garage. Covered porch in front. Deck in back. Private in-ground pool with hot tub in summer months (usually May to September). Plenty of room to sun bathe in summer, or hammock to use in spring/summer.

Inside access to full kitchen (read a real cook/baker's kitchen), a private gym good enough for a health conscious gay man (read GOOD GYM), a library for private reading, in-house washer and dryer, comfortable finished basement with large flat screen, pool table, etc. Access to all areas except other bedrooms and computer area.

Bedroom for rent includes private entrance from outside (meaning renter can come and go as her pleases without disturbing me/kids). Full bath, walk-in shower, sitting area, TV room, and bedroom. Room is already furnished but furniture can be moved out. Ample storage including a clost and two dressers and a wardrobe. Plus a faux warbrobe hiding a refrigorator and a microwave and some cubbard (sp?) space. Room is spacious.

Cable/internet included in rent. Utilities and heating cooling included in rent.

Only other possible expense on top of rent is if renter wants private landline in room. No access to landline in home. [I figure a lot of people who live in apartments don;t even have landlines and use their cell phnes for all calls anyways. I have a lot of friends who do that]

My ideal roommate (like my old roommate, did I mention I miss him!!!!) would be (to a certain extent at least) like a part of the family. Tolerant and acceting of both my homosexuality and my children. [Of course that last part's not just ideal, it's a must have, and its abcence will be a deal breaker]

So I need your feeback on rent --- how much rent is reasonable. Of course I already have an idea but I don;t want to share. Keep in mind my development in quiet like it's out in country but five minutes from Rt. 1 and is in the Philadelphia metro area.

So???? How much rent people?

I need your feedback! I actually wish more people read this blog haha, because no one probably will on the weekend and I might be seeing people as early as tomorrow night. So if you want to be mad cool and helpful you all could pimp this post in your blogs!

YAY, thanks guys!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Relationships are funny

I never had an example of how a "good relationship works.

My parents' marriage was effed up because my Dad was a dick. My grandparents didn't help either (one was single by the time I came along [my grandpa died] and the other got a divorc). And of my siblings.....my sis is getting a divorce you all know, my brother's wife is self-absorbed that she ignores him and he takes it (they had their 5 year anniversay the other day --- he gets her earrings and a necklace and she gets him NOTHING -- "because they never talked about it)....and my other brother, well, he's got too many issues to even have a relationship most of the time.

But...I think that when you have a bunch of examples of crappy, dysfunctional relationships then she can easily have a healthy one by a sort of process of elimination... OK...none of this works, what's left??? Plus, all it takes is work.

Relationships are about compromises on both sides. And finding the right fit, finding someone who's in the same place you are.

I think my last two big relationships ended badly (me getting cheated on as a way for them to escape from something real or too much responsibility) because we were in different places.

Cesar and I seem to want the same things: stability, a family, security, a life. I think we are at the same place in life.

We are already "bickering" a little bit.

Cesar HATES that I don't have texting on my phone...which I got rid of because I got tired of getting texts are 3 am, etc, from drunken friends or whatever. Plus, I just don't like texting, I know I'm weird. I'd rather talk on the phone then email. I'd rather see you in person then talk on the phone. But it's important to hin so I gave him my work cell (which has texting) so he can text me on there. Compromise.

Also, since Cesar and me are basically he-lesbians (in the fact that we already feel like we live together) he's been talking about wanting to get a dog. I had thought about a dog in the past, but the thing is, I know I'm more of a cat person, and if I had a dog I know I'd go batshit crazy the first time it took a shadoobie on the carpet. I mean, I don't want to deal with poop unless it comes out of my kids. Plus, I take pride in my home, I don;t want it to smell like dog. So we're thinking about a cat. I *thought* Jensen was alergic but now I'm not so sure. I'm keeping sis's cats to make sure one way or another. Cesar is liking the idea of a cat. Compromise. Plus, I'd have no problem letting him pick it out.

One thing I know is that lack of communication is a killer to relationships. But if you both love each other and you talk and you nurture the relationship and never take things for grandted there's no reason you can't be together for 50 years+. That's what I want. I want a relationship like that.

I hope I can have that with Cesar eventually. If not I'll keep looking because that will always be my goal. And when I get it I will cultivate it.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Hot or Not?: You Decide

This is a recent picture of Kerr Smith.

If you don't know who he is, he''s an actor on TV and in movies (Dawson's Creek, Charmed, Justice, Final Destination, the upcoming My Bloody Valentine remake).

He's 36 and prematurely graying.

So....is it hot...or not?

I say hot. My friends at the bakery (employees/some that stopped by today) are divided and since mostly everyone who reads this blog is either female or gay I thought I could ask here.

So.....what do you think?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Mellow Saturdays can be the best...

Tonight Cesar and I went for a drive, did some shopping, and then had dinner. It was a simple dinner, breakfast really (scrambled eggs with ham and cheese, biscuits and strawberries, with Simply Orange oj, mmm) but it was good and it was nice just hanging out. He passed out on the sofa in the other room so I decided to sneak in here and write a blog :)

I've been thinking about it and I'm struck at the differences between my sister and I. Yesterday I spoke to her -- on the phone -- and she told me she's never been happy. Then she said, "Well, maybe when I was five."

To me, this is a ridiculous statement.

I'm her brother. We had the same upbringing, the same opportunities. I think I had a good childhood, and a damn good adult life. I mean there are things I wish my parents did differently, but most of it ancient history.

The truth is, we had a great life. We went on vacations, lived in Europe, went to good schools, had our educations paid for, they even bought her a car after she graduated college and got a job in her field. Growing up, they encouraged us to take up sports, took us to the zoo, museums, even plays and some musicals, baseball games. Sis was in gymnastics, and was really good too.

Ya, my Dad was/is a douchebag, but I don't have many complaints in the end.

My sister just holds on to the bad stuff in the present and in her past and lets it define her.

I can't help her because I don't understand her.

Don't get me wrong, I've had some bad shit happen to me growing up. Stuff I wish I hadn't had to go thru. I'm not going to discuss it in my blog because it was 15+ years ago, but ya... And I've had a few relationships that ended badly, meaning I got cheated on. But you get over it, and you go on, you keep kicking. You have a life, you have kids, you have a job.

You meet a really awesome guy.

You smile.

You concentrate on the good.

You don't drink yourself into a stupor and have a pity party, table for one.

You go wake your boyfriend up and have some fun :)

Happy weekend!


Thursday, January 8, 2009

What's been going on -- feedback requested and appreciated.

I haven't been thinking about blogs, or reading blogs, or blogging lately.

So...sorry to the few people's blogs I read, if you missed my comments... If you didn't, then....ok then, haha. Oh, and Bloggity I know I was tagged. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Today's blog is just for a write. I want to write and get a few things out of my head.

At the bakery I've been experimenting with cookie-brownies, a brownie cookie mix, in the shape and texture of a brownie but with a sort of half brownie/half cookie center. They have a distinctive, pleasant taste unlike traditional brownies and, although I'm just experimenting at this point, people seem to like them when they try the samples.

The craziness of Christmas and New Years has subsided and the munchkins are back to a normal routine. Tomorrow they will go to their Mom's and for once I'm looking forward to the time alone (alone, and alone with Cesar). I've been really tired this week and I need to reinvigorate this weekend.

On the sister front, surprise, surprise, she's still a mess of an alcoholic. Monday night I got a call from my Mom and sis had drank a couple bottles of hand sanitizer.... She never fails to dissapoint me. Thank god I banished her from my home but she still has the power to pofoundly effect my mood. I just don't know what's going to happen to her. I imagine she'll end up dead one way or another within a few years. I can still remember her before she really started drinking, a totally different person. The person she has become makes me cringe. The prospect of seeing her, spending time with her, makes me sick to my stomach.

I called Cesar late Monday night (early morning?) just to say hey, talk, blow off steam, hear his voice, feel better, remember what's important, etc.

I didn't say much in an older blog about meeting his family because I needed to end the blog at the time, but they all made me feel really welcome and they seemed genuinely curious about me and happy to meet me. I kept waiting to meet the one or two homophobic douchebags in every family, but they never materialized. It was nice being around them. It was nice being around people who aren't guarded, who don't need a lot of prerequisites met before they accept someone. It was nice being around a family that is so obviously close.

Back to the call Monday night tho, I was laying in bed, stretched out on top of the covers, aware of, but choosing not to dwell on the fact that my bed seems enormous when there's only one person in it when Cesar asks, "How come I'm not in your bed with you right now?" I laughed a little and said something like, "Good question."

We talked some more, and he brought up living together, down the road. He said if we lived together we could effectively make the home like a safe cocoon, not totally untouchable by upsetting things like my sis, but we wouldn't be as affected if we were together. At least that was the jist. He also reminded me of how he's not afraid of the responsibility of children, how he could easily sublet, and how he's just waiting for me to be ready for things to progress, to give the go-ahead.

Of course that's not gonna happen for a while. There are a few things I need to deal with and a few things he needs to deal with before that happens. But, barring any unforseen events, it's going to happen.

I think he knows how badly I want him here, even tho I have to play it cool and casual, and not to mention be a responsible father. Because I'll have to ease Chaz into this, before it happens.

But am I crazy?

It feels right.

Feedback is good.....

Friday, January 2, 2009

New Years -- come and gone.

One question for all the blogheads:

Does a good ending of one year mean that the next year will also be good?

I sure hope so!

New Years was a million times improvement on Christmas Eve/Christmas. I had about 16 people over for dinner which was very nice and drama-free (no sis). Dinner was scrumdiddlyumptious and everyone was laughing and talking.

I drank a teensy weensy bit too much because I was queerly nervous, but everything went awesome.

Yes folks, Cesar and I are now official. Officially bfs. And I'm feeling good. I feel like this will be good, like we will be good.

He kind of laughed when I asked him and gave me a big hug. Said he had a feeling I was gonna do something New Years.

I mean, I know it's nothing special, and I'm talking about it like I just asked him to marry me, but I'm happy. Like, actually happy. I'm not worried like I was with Mike. And I want to enjoy it.

Janelle (our mutual friend that set us up) is over the moon and proud she picked a winner, heheh (She has set me up with some real looooosers in the past). But we, I am exceedingly appreiate and happy and Janelle gets like a million cosmic brownie points for this one, and a million brownie points in my book too.

Sometime after midnight people bagan to go and by I dunno when, when everyone was gone and it was just me and him, and it was nice even to do something like cleaning up together. Like, it felt more real. Because it is really real.

We've talked...and one of the things that I really like about him (and I'm not sure if I wrote about this before) is that nothing seems to scare him. I mean, I've tried being realy honest from the begiing and I think each of us knows what the other wants in a relationship. Jenn (the baby mama) was talking to us at one point NYE night and she was prodding me about having aother bambino (bambina?? - she wants a girl), And Cesar just busts out with, "I think you should have about five." -- like totally serious. And, I believe him. Because he has a big family. And nothing seems to scare him.

We have talked about if it progresses to "move in together" mode then he'd move in with me and essentially be another father to the boys. And I have to confess that in these moments...I scrutinize his reactions. And I don;t see what I might expect to see: I don;t see fear, aprehension or ambivalence. I see what I think is excitement and eagerness and a face that says, "Let's get on with it already."

Which is really nice.

It's a huge change of pace from my ex.

Cesar seems well-adjusted and loving.

Still, I won't go too fast. I owe the boys that; I am a better father than that.

But, I can't help thinking ahead.

2009 will be far better than 2008.

I know that for myself and my family, and I hope that for all of you and your families.

Oh, and for Danny....I definitely like the brown people ;)