Saturday, July 18, 2009

Why I Shy Away from the Vah-jayjay!....

I love lots of things anout women and about my female friends. Most times, I love the way they smell. For some reason, I love to walk into a bathroom after a woman has gotten ready in it. I love the way women can be great confidantes... I love the way I've seen some women in my life be so effortlessly maternal that it shocks me.

But I don't love women as far as realtionships go, and I don't choose to be in relationships with women. And I actually do have some experience in that department, so I can compare a heterosexual relationship to a gay one. At least, I believe I can.

To digress a bit, I don;t want to get into a blog debate about why I'm gay, or why I choose to have relationships with men, but I will admit this: It's not because I'm repulsed by a woman's genetalia, because I'm not. And again, I've seen quite a few, in the flesh.

Of course you could say that I choose relationships with men because I'm attracted to them, because I lust after them, because I feel more comfortable around them and relate to them, and you'd be right. That's the easy, no=brain answwer, and not the point of this blog.

Fundamentally, I choose relationships with men as opposed to women because, as a "species" I know how men think. Men, even gay men, are more straightforward in the way they deal with people. At least this is my experience.

Let me explain before you click the little X....

It's been my experience in general that with women (and I am pulling on experiences with, for example, my mom, sister, female friends, female rmployees, other female relatives and females relatives of my *current* and exes, etc), a man can never really know what a woman is thinking, or even if he thinks he knows he is probably wrong, and if he is, heaven forbid, a woman expects a man to be a mind reader. A mind reader and psychic, I think.

If something is wrong, I'm of a mind to think, "let's get it out in the open, let's just deal with it now so it can be over with." Let's NOT be made to play bs games like, well, you should know what the problem and if you don't lmow then I'm not going to tell you.


I'm niot saying these kinds of things never happen with me, just in my experience, much less often.

And yes, something happened in my life to prmpt this blog, specifically with my mother and sister, but I'm too pissed off at this moment to recount that.

Maybe a later blog, or better yet, next time I blog I'll be in a better mood altogether.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Real Blog Post, For Real, I Swear!

First off, Kalei, I'm still laughing from reading your comment to my last blog, heheh. I am alive, but I think it was you who predicted it'd be July 4th before I wrote a blog... Was it you? Whoever it was, they were right. But better late than never. Or so I assume...

OK peoples... Obviously the idea that I might update this blog with any regularlarity in the forseeable future is...laughably unrealistic. But, I still love my blog people...all 11 of you, yay! (Even the ones that never comemnt) Whatever, I haven't commented on any of yours in months ;) Oops! :P

So, to the actual blog!

The reason I haven't written for a while, what it boils down to, is that I don't have any time. I don't have any, any, any, any, ANY time to myself nowadays and I just kind of forgot about my blog. But also...and this is the big difference, I don't have any crazy angry-ape-beating-his-chest drama to report.

I'm happy. We're happy. We've actually made a little family unit. Cesar and I and the munchkins, Chas and Jensen. And a booger of a cat named Oakley.

I know now that I can honestly say that I have left behind the drama of my past relationships, and I don't miss anything...anyone. I don't even want to mention my exes' names, they are chapters of my book, long ago written and sent to the presses, no change or desire to go back.

Of course, not everything is perfect with me and Cesar. We argue. He nags. His family butts in. My family butts in. He's fiery one instant and an extreme calming influence the next. He lets me be the protector I've accepted that I need to be. We rarely go to bed mad. Stress is a constant, but it doesn't bother me or him like it has, at least for me, in the past (in other relationships).

Chas has come to view Cesar as...not another father, but I think as "Daddy's person", and this makes me very happy. He hasn't said anything about Mike is quite a while, another little something that makes me very happy.

Cesar has told me that our 30s will be a hell of a lot better and happier than our 20s were... That reminds me of something I want to admit in blogland. Cesar and I have talked to each other, frankly, about our pasts. I told him about the parts of my childhood and adolescence that weren't so shiny and and happy, and I didn't gloss over them and pretend they weren't a big deal. Cesar told me about things in his childhood and past that will remain sacred here. For me, for us, it was cathartic but easy.

Like I've said in the past, to steal Danny's expression, the Brown people agree with me ;) I don;t think Cesar likes that I sometimes (playfully) refer to his people as the Brown people. He tells me that not all of them are all that Brown. That always makes me laugh, and I'm laughing now thinking of it ;)

I will end there because it seems a good spot to end for now. I will TRY to write more soon. Soonish. Something closely resembling soon.

Love to the blog elves! Muppet Soul, Rambler, Kalei, Penz. Of course Danny, but you are only a semi blog elf ;)

Good night!