Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Mission: Find A Roommate --- SUCCESS!

Yes ladies and gents, it's true, I found a roommate and it wasn't even heinously painful or prolonged.

Her name is Sarah, mid 30s, kid-friendly (ex nanny), gay-friendly (can you say fag hag?), adorable (so cute!), and, most importantly, girlie makes bank and can pay the rent!

She won;t move in till the weekend, but I already know I'm gonna like her.

None of you can see me right now, but I'm skaing my butt, dancing in my chair typing :) I'm in a rare mood and have been listening to cheesetastic semi-boyband music all night. Right now it's JC Chasez's Blowing Me Up (With Her Love). Yes, I know, gay, but then I am, so...ya know, that's my excuse :)

Oh, and this weekend I had to cater a lunch and Cesar came along, which was really fun. Really, I just ha to drop off the edibles and do a couple things, but with both munchkins with their Mom we wnded up spening the whole day and night together,

Sunday we went to breakfast/brunch/lunch (what was it?) at Cesar's Mom's and I have to say I am really liking the whole big, supportive family thing. It's not taking me long to be used it, haha.

Bottom line, I am having fun right now... And it feels good, especially after weathering so many shitstorms.

Oh, and the reason for the pic....I need to figure out what to for Valentine's Day....grrr....and I'n not wanting to do anything cheesy or generic.....Ideas??????

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I finally feel whole, I'm ME again!

I've felt this coming for a long time. I've seen signs and felt certain elements falling into place. But now I feel like it's complete. I'm back to the way I was before....

Let me explain...

Generally, I was a happy kid. Yes, I went thru something that was traumatic around the age of 10 - 11, and something else at the age of 14, but I was happy. A happy kid and a happy teenager and a happy early 20 something: popular, care-free, happy.

About six years ago tho, things changed. I was betrayed by my best friend, who I loved boundarylessly, and I went from speaking to and seeing her almost every day to never seeing her or speaking to her again. And this effected me greatly. I became depressed like I never had before and never have since.

So a month after we stopped talking, unable to shake this depression and not liking what it was doing to me, I started going to therapy. At first it was all about my friend and how I felt about our situation, blah, blah, blah. But then it got into other things: my complex relationship with my parents, those events in my childhood/adolescence. And it waws a solid year before I quit therapy becayuse I felt like I didn;t need to go anymore. Make no mistake tho, I am eternally grateful to that therapist.

Skipping ahead, since then, as long term readers of my blog know, I had two main big relationships. Of course there were other guys, a lot of other guys, but two relationships that mattered. I like to think of them as sagas, really, because they were. And both, I've come to realize, were unhealthy, and I probably should not have been with them. And I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache.

During my relationships with Ben and Mike a lot of good and bad things happened.

I have two children who I love and adore and who give me stregnth. I have a business that I built from an idea in my head that started in my kitchen.

I've had ome relationships grew so strong with my friends, and some relationships with my family fractured beyond repair.

And as these two relationships withered and died, with no hope of repair, I was not happy. I was left with significant feelings of insecurity: Was it possibe or even realistic to hope for a guy who wouldn;t ultimaely cheat on me? Would I ever find someone who I'd know, without question, was with me for who I was, and not what I could do for them? Was it worth it, or should I just forget it and fuck my way thru a series of guys?

I was bitter, and I've been bitter. And not trusting. And with the mess that is my nuclear family, I found myself repeatedly focuing on the negative. Yes, certain things made me happy, but I was no longer at my core a happy, shiny person. I wasn;t ME anymore. And I didn;t tghink I was ever going to be.

I thought that I was forever changed by my past relationships and that I would never regain a certain optimism and hope.

I am and always will be a care-giver at my core. I like to be "the man" in the relationship taking care of my man, ya know? And I thought I'd never find someone who was worth that. Or who might actually take care of me a little bit. You know, because, just in the blog world, I'll admit I like that.

Since I've met Cesar I've felt ME coming back, in pieces. He makes me remember...

So it's only fitting that what I REALLY wanted to blog about, what this blog has been building up to...happened yesterday, the day Barack Obama was sworn, the day I was (and still am) feeling so hopeful and secure.

Cesar and I were sprawled out on the sofa with the munchkin and it was getting to be Chaz's bedtime and I told him so and started to take him up. We all went up and went thru all the normal rituals and finally got him to bed.

Chaz was in bed and Cesar and I were sitting at the foot and Chaz said, "I love you Daddy" and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

And then he said... "I love you, Cesar!" And Cesar kissed him on the cheek, which made Chaz giggle like he does about a millionj times a day and I never get tired of.

And seeing that, I kissed Cesar (for the first time in front of Chaz) and Chaz just giggled like it was normal.

It was the perfect moment. And it made me ME again. Kind of put the final piece back into place, like I felt completely healed.

And later, I told Cesar how I felt. And how that had made me feel.

And I told him I loved him. And he told me he loved me. And then we told each other, again.

And I am ME. And I feel awesome. And I still remember EVERYTHING that happened after tat as we lay in bed. Of course, that bit is sacred.

I just wanted to write out how I'm feeling. Not that I'll ever forget, no matter what happens down the road... :)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Looking for a roommate -- need feedback

I'm looking for a rommmate, maybe a few roommates... It's stressful!

I've had roommates before and haven't had any really bad experiences... I loved my old roommate, who was *perfect*, but he left, ugh, and I want a roommate because rent money is good for paying these really annoying things called bills.

But, first of all I needed to decide how I was going to find potential roommates. I thought about posting on Craigs List, but I'm scared of it, haha Mostly because I've read some of the personals posted on there (thanks Danny!) and there are some mad freaks on there! I know the "looking for a roommate" thing is different but I'm still weary of it. So I decided to post at certain businesses and talk to certain people....because I figure, go where the money is, right? Go where people can afford the rent.

And I have to decide on the rent, which I still haven't done.

OK, I live in an affluent, safe neighborhood. Homes aren't small, and on a significant bit of land. And my house is (in the spring summer and fall at least) made more private by trees blocking my nrightbors view. The yard is always kept and is pleasant with lots of landscaping.

Parking in a garage. Covered porch in front. Deck in back. Private in-ground pool with hot tub in summer months (usually May to September). Plenty of room to sun bathe in summer, or hammock to use in spring/summer.

Inside access to full kitchen (read a real cook/baker's kitchen), a private gym good enough for a health conscious gay man (read GOOD GYM), a library for private reading, in-house washer and dryer, comfortable finished basement with large flat screen, pool table, etc. Access to all areas except other bedrooms and computer area.

Bedroom for rent includes private entrance from outside (meaning renter can come and go as her pleases without disturbing me/kids). Full bath, walk-in shower, sitting area, TV room, and bedroom. Room is already furnished but furniture can be moved out. Ample storage including a clost and two dressers and a wardrobe. Plus a faux warbrobe hiding a refrigorator and a microwave and some cubbard (sp?) space. Room is spacious.

Cable/internet included in rent. Utilities and heating cooling included in rent.

Only other possible expense on top of rent is if renter wants private landline in room. No access to landline in home. [I figure a lot of people who live in apartments don;t even have landlines and use their cell phnes for all calls anyways. I have a lot of friends who do that]

My ideal roommate (like my old roommate, did I mention I miss him!!!!) would be (to a certain extent at least) like a part of the family. Tolerant and acceting of both my homosexuality and my children. [Of course that last part's not just ideal, it's a must have, and its abcence will be a deal breaker]

So I need your feeback on rent --- how much rent is reasonable. Of course I already have an idea but I don;t want to share. Keep in mind my development in quiet like it's out in country but five minutes from Rt. 1 and is in the Philadelphia metro area.

So???? How much rent people?

I need your feedback! I actually wish more people read this blog haha, because no one probably will on the weekend and I might be seeing people as early as tomorrow night. So if you want to be mad cool and helpful you all could pimp this post in your blogs!

YAY, thanks guys!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Relationships are funny

I never had an example of how a "good relationship works.

My parents' marriage was effed up because my Dad was a dick. My grandparents didn't help either (one was single by the time I came along [my grandpa died] and the other got a divorc). And of my siblings.....my sis is getting a divorce you all know, my brother's wife is self-absorbed that she ignores him and he takes it (they had their 5 year anniversay the other day --- he gets her earrings and a necklace and she gets him NOTHING -- "because they never talked about it)....and my other brother, well, he's got too many issues to even have a relationship most of the time.

But...I think that when you have a bunch of examples of crappy, dysfunctional relationships then she can easily have a healthy one by a sort of process of elimination... OK...none of this works, what's left??? Plus, all it takes is work.

Relationships are about compromises on both sides. And finding the right fit, finding someone who's in the same place you are.

I think my last two big relationships ended badly (me getting cheated on as a way for them to escape from something real or too much responsibility) because we were in different places.

Cesar and I seem to want the same things: stability, a family, security, a life. I think we are at the same place in life.

We are already "bickering" a little bit.

Cesar HATES that I don't have texting on my phone...which I got rid of because I got tired of getting texts are 3 am, etc, from drunken friends or whatever. Plus, I just don't like texting, I know I'm weird. I'd rather talk on the phone then email. I'd rather see you in person then talk on the phone. But it's important to hin so I gave him my work cell (which has texting) so he can text me on there. Compromise.

Also, since Cesar and me are basically he-lesbians (in the fact that we already feel like we live together) he's been talking about wanting to get a dog. I had thought about a dog in the past, but the thing is, I know I'm more of a cat person, and if I had a dog I know I'd go batshit crazy the first time it took a shadoobie on the carpet. I mean, I don't want to deal with poop unless it comes out of my kids. Plus, I take pride in my home, I don;t want it to smell like dog. So we're thinking about a cat. I *thought* Jensen was alergic but now I'm not so sure. I'm keeping sis's cats to make sure one way or another. Cesar is liking the idea of a cat. Compromise. Plus, I'd have no problem letting him pick it out.

One thing I know is that lack of communication is a killer to relationships. But if you both love each other and you talk and you nurture the relationship and never take things for grandted there's no reason you can't be together for 50 years+. That's what I want. I want a relationship like that.

I hope I can have that with Cesar eventually. If not I'll keep looking because that will always be my goal. And when I get it I will cultivate it.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Hot or Not?: You Decide

This is a recent picture of Kerr Smith.

If you don't know who he is, he''s an actor on TV and in movies (Dawson's Creek, Charmed, Justice, Final Destination, the upcoming My Bloody Valentine remake).

He's 36 and prematurely graying.

So....is it hot...or not?

I say hot. My friends at the bakery (employees/some that stopped by today) are divided and since mostly everyone who reads this blog is either female or gay I thought I could ask here.

So.....what do you think?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Mellow Saturdays can be the best...

Tonight Cesar and I went for a drive, did some shopping, and then had dinner. It was a simple dinner, breakfast really (scrambled eggs with ham and cheese, biscuits and strawberries, with Simply Orange oj, mmm) but it was good and it was nice just hanging out. He passed out on the sofa in the other room so I decided to sneak in here and write a blog :)

I've been thinking about it and I'm struck at the differences between my sister and I. Yesterday I spoke to her -- on the phone -- and she told me she's never been happy. Then she said, "Well, maybe when I was five."

To me, this is a ridiculous statement.

I'm her brother. We had the same upbringing, the same opportunities. I think I had a good childhood, and a damn good adult life. I mean there are things I wish my parents did differently, but most of it ancient history.

The truth is, we had a great life. We went on vacations, lived in Europe, went to good schools, had our educations paid for, they even bought her a car after she graduated college and got a job in her field. Growing up, they encouraged us to take up sports, took us to the zoo, museums, even plays and some musicals, baseball games. Sis was in gymnastics, and was really good too.

Ya, my Dad was/is a douchebag, but I don't have many complaints in the end.

My sister just holds on to the bad stuff in the present and in her past and lets it define her.

I can't help her because I don't understand her.

Don't get me wrong, I've had some bad shit happen to me growing up. Stuff I wish I hadn't had to go thru. I'm not going to discuss it in my blog because it was 15+ years ago, but ya... And I've had a few relationships that ended badly, meaning I got cheated on. But you get over it, and you go on, you keep kicking. You have a life, you have kids, you have a job.

You meet a really awesome guy.

You smile.

You concentrate on the good.

You don't drink yourself into a stupor and have a pity party, table for one.

You go wake your boyfriend up and have some fun :)

Happy weekend!


Thursday, January 8, 2009

What's been going on -- feedback requested and appreciated.

I haven't been thinking about blogs, or reading blogs, or blogging lately.

So...sorry to the few people's blogs I read, if you missed my comments... If you didn't, then....ok then, haha. Oh, and Bloggity I know I was tagged. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Today's blog is just for a write. I want to write and get a few things out of my head.

At the bakery I've been experimenting with cookie-brownies, a brownie cookie mix, in the shape and texture of a brownie but with a sort of half brownie/half cookie center. They have a distinctive, pleasant taste unlike traditional brownies and, although I'm just experimenting at this point, people seem to like them when they try the samples.

The craziness of Christmas and New Years has subsided and the munchkins are back to a normal routine. Tomorrow they will go to their Mom's and for once I'm looking forward to the time alone (alone, and alone with Cesar). I've been really tired this week and I need to reinvigorate this weekend.

On the sister front, surprise, surprise, she's still a mess of an alcoholic. Monday night I got a call from my Mom and sis had drank a couple bottles of hand sanitizer.... She never fails to dissapoint me. Thank god I banished her from my home but she still has the power to pofoundly effect my mood. I just don't know what's going to happen to her. I imagine she'll end up dead one way or another within a few years. I can still remember her before she really started drinking, a totally different person. The person she has become makes me cringe. The prospect of seeing her, spending time with her, makes me sick to my stomach.

I called Cesar late Monday night (early morning?) just to say hey, talk, blow off steam, hear his voice, feel better, remember what's important, etc.

I didn't say much in an older blog about meeting his family because I needed to end the blog at the time, but they all made me feel really welcome and they seemed genuinely curious about me and happy to meet me. I kept waiting to meet the one or two homophobic douchebags in every family, but they never materialized. It was nice being around them. It was nice being around people who aren't guarded, who don't need a lot of prerequisites met before they accept someone. It was nice being around a family that is so obviously close.

Back to the call Monday night tho, I was laying in bed, stretched out on top of the covers, aware of, but choosing not to dwell on the fact that my bed seems enormous when there's only one person in it when Cesar asks, "How come I'm not in your bed with you right now?" I laughed a little and said something like, "Good question."

We talked some more, and he brought up living together, down the road. He said if we lived together we could effectively make the home like a safe cocoon, not totally untouchable by upsetting things like my sis, but we wouldn't be as affected if we were together. At least that was the jist. He also reminded me of how he's not afraid of the responsibility of children, how he could easily sublet, and how he's just waiting for me to be ready for things to progress, to give the go-ahead.

Of course that's not gonna happen for a while. There are a few things I need to deal with and a few things he needs to deal with before that happens. But, barring any unforseen events, it's going to happen.

I think he knows how badly I want him here, even tho I have to play it cool and casual, and not to mention be a responsible father. Because I'll have to ease Chaz into this, before it happens.

But am I crazy?

It feels right.

Feedback is good.....

Friday, January 2, 2009

New Years -- come and gone.

One question for all the blogheads:

Does a good ending of one year mean that the next year will also be good?

I sure hope so!

New Years was a million times improvement on Christmas Eve/Christmas. I had about 16 people over for dinner which was very nice and drama-free (no sis). Dinner was scrumdiddlyumptious and everyone was laughing and talking.

I drank a teensy weensy bit too much because I was queerly nervous, but everything went awesome.

Yes folks, Cesar and I are now official. Officially bfs. And I'm feeling good. I feel like this will be good, like we will be good.

He kind of laughed when I asked him and gave me a big hug. Said he had a feeling I was gonna do something New Years.

I mean, I know it's nothing special, and I'm talking about it like I just asked him to marry me, but I'm happy. Like, actually happy. I'm not worried like I was with Mike. And I want to enjoy it.

Janelle (our mutual friend that set us up) is over the moon and proud she picked a winner, heheh (She has set me up with some real looooosers in the past). But we, I am exceedingly appreiate and happy and Janelle gets like a million cosmic brownie points for this one, and a million brownie points in my book too.

Sometime after midnight people bagan to go and by I dunno when, when everyone was gone and it was just me and him, and it was nice even to do something like cleaning up together. Like, it felt more real. Because it is really real.

We've talked...and one of the things that I really like about him (and I'm not sure if I wrote about this before) is that nothing seems to scare him. I mean, I've tried being realy honest from the begiing and I think each of us knows what the other wants in a relationship. Jenn (the baby mama) was talking to us at one point NYE night and she was prodding me about having aother bambino (bambina?? - she wants a girl), And Cesar just busts out with, "I think you should have about five." -- like totally serious. And, I believe him. Because he has a big family. And nothing seems to scare him.

We have talked about if it progresses to "move in together" mode then he'd move in with me and essentially be another father to the boys. And I have to confess that in these moments...I scrutinize his reactions. And I don;t see what I might expect to see: I don;t see fear, aprehension or ambivalence. I see what I think is excitement and eagerness and a face that says, "Let's get on with it already."

Which is really nice.

It's a huge change of pace from my ex.

Cesar seems well-adjusted and loving.

Still, I won't go too fast. I owe the boys that; I am a better father than that.

But, I can't help thinking ahead.

2009 will be far better than 2008.

I know that for myself and my family, and I hope that for all of you and your families.

Oh, and for Danny....I definitely like the brown people ;)