Thursday, January 15, 2009

Relationships are funny

I never had an example of how a "good relationship works.

My parents' marriage was effed up because my Dad was a dick. My grandparents didn't help either (one was single by the time I came along [my grandpa died] and the other got a divorc). And of my siblings.....my sis is getting a divorce you all know, my brother's wife is self-absorbed that she ignores him and he takes it (they had their 5 year anniversay the other day --- he gets her earrings and a necklace and she gets him NOTHING -- "because they never talked about it)....and my other brother, well, he's got too many issues to even have a relationship most of the time.

But...I think that when you have a bunch of examples of crappy, dysfunctional relationships then she can easily have a healthy one by a sort of process of elimination... OK...none of this works, what's left??? Plus, all it takes is work.

Relationships are about compromises on both sides. And finding the right fit, finding someone who's in the same place you are.

I think my last two big relationships ended badly (me getting cheated on as a way for them to escape from something real or too much responsibility) because we were in different places.

Cesar and I seem to want the same things: stability, a family, security, a life. I think we are at the same place in life.

We are already "bickering" a little bit.

Cesar HATES that I don't have texting on my phone...which I got rid of because I got tired of getting texts are 3 am, etc, from drunken friends or whatever. Plus, I just don't like texting, I know I'm weird. I'd rather talk on the phone then email. I'd rather see you in person then talk on the phone. But it's important to hin so I gave him my work cell (which has texting) so he can text me on there. Compromise.

Also, since Cesar and me are basically he-lesbians (in the fact that we already feel like we live together) he's been talking about wanting to get a dog. I had thought about a dog in the past, but the thing is, I know I'm more of a cat person, and if I had a dog I know I'd go batshit crazy the first time it took a shadoobie on the carpet. I mean, I don't want to deal with poop unless it comes out of my kids. Plus, I take pride in my home, I don;t want it to smell like dog. So we're thinking about a cat. I *thought* Jensen was alergic but now I'm not so sure. I'm keeping sis's cats to make sure one way or another. Cesar is liking the idea of a cat. Compromise. Plus, I'd have no problem letting him pick it out.

One thing I know is that lack of communication is a killer to relationships. But if you both love each other and you talk and you nurture the relationship and never take things for grandted there's no reason you can't be together for 50 years+. That's what I want. I want a relationship like that.

I hope I can have that with Cesar eventually. If not I'll keep looking because that will always be my goal. And when I get it I will cultivate it.

-B

2 comments:

Lady with a View said...

B - I hear you. I agree that one of the main components that will help a relationship survive over the long haul is for each person to put the other person's needs first.

It doesn't work when one person "says" they understand and then goes and does whatever they darn well please regardless of how it makes you feel. Both people have to sacrifice and compromise (feeling that word too!).

In my life - there are times when I have stayed married because I said I would. There are times in every relationship - love, friendship, work - where you would really rather be somewhere else. I think commitment to get through those times is crucial - but you have to balance that with self-preservation.

Penz said...

Talk and be up front and honest. Bickering is normal and anyone who says that they have a "perfect" relationship is in denial and are crazy.

I am glad to hear that things are going well for you. Something my grams told me, "don't settle because your lonely, settle because without that person, life is incomplete."

have a great weekend k.