I've felt this coming for a long time. I've seen signs and felt certain elements falling into place. But now I feel like it's complete. I'm back to the way I was before....
Let me explain...
Generally, I was a happy kid. Yes, I went thru something that was traumatic around the age of 10 - 11, and something else at the age of 14, but I was happy. A happy kid and a happy teenager and a happy early 20 something: popular, care-free, happy.
About six years ago tho, things changed. I was betrayed by my best friend, who I loved boundarylessly, and I went from speaking to and seeing her almost every day to never seeing her or speaking to her again. And this effected me greatly. I became depressed like I never had before and never have since.
So a month after we stopped talking, unable to shake this depression and not liking what it was doing to me, I started going to therapy. At first it was all about my friend and how I felt about our situation, blah, blah, blah. But then it got into other things: my complex relationship with my parents, those events in my childhood/adolescence. And it waws a solid year before I quit therapy becayuse I felt like I didn;t need to go anymore. Make no mistake tho, I am eternally grateful to that therapist.
Skipping ahead, since then, as long term readers of my blog know, I had two main big relationships. Of course there were other guys, a lot of other guys, but two relationships that mattered. I like to think of them as sagas, really, because they were. And both, I've come to realize, were unhealthy, and I probably should not have been with them. And I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache.
During my relationships with Ben and Mike a lot of good and bad things happened.
I have two children who I love and adore and who give me stregnth. I have a business that I built from an idea in my head that started in my kitchen.
I've had ome relationships grew so strong with my friends, and some relationships with my family fractured beyond repair.
And as these two relationships withered and died, with no hope of repair, I was not happy. I was left with significant feelings of insecurity: Was it possibe or even realistic to hope for a guy who wouldn;t ultimaely cheat on me? Would I ever find someone who I'd know, without question, was with me for who I was, and not what I could do for them? Was it worth it, or should I just forget it and fuck my way thru a series of guys?
I was bitter, and I've been bitter. And not trusting. And with the mess that is my nuclear family, I found myself repeatedly focuing on the negative. Yes, certain things made me happy, but I was no longer at my core a happy, shiny person. I wasn;t ME anymore. And I didn;t tghink I was ever going to be.
I thought that I was forever changed by my past relationships and that I would never regain a certain optimism and hope.
I am and always will be a care-giver at my core. I like to be "the man" in the relationship taking care of my man, ya know? And I thought I'd never find someone who was worth that. Or who might actually take care of me a little bit. You know, because, just in the blog world, I'll admit I like that.
Since I've met Cesar I've felt ME coming back, in pieces. He makes me remember...
So it's only fitting that what I REALLY wanted to blog about, what this blog has been building up to...happened yesterday, the day Barack Obama was sworn, the day I was (and still am) feeling so hopeful and secure.
Cesar and I were sprawled out on the sofa with the munchkin and it was getting to be Chaz's bedtime and I told him so and started to take him up. We all went up and went thru all the normal rituals and finally got him to bed.
Chaz was in bed and Cesar and I were sitting at the foot and Chaz said, "I love you Daddy" and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.
And then he said... "I love you, Cesar!" And Cesar kissed him on the cheek, which made Chaz giggle like he does about a millionj times a day and I never get tired of.
And seeing that, I kissed Cesar (for the first time in front of Chaz) and Chaz just giggled like it was normal.
It was the perfect moment. And it made me ME again. Kind of put the final piece back into place, like I felt completely healed.
And later, I told Cesar how I felt. And how that had made me feel.
And I told him I loved him. And he told me he loved me. And then we told each other, again.
And I am ME. And I feel awesome. And I still remember EVERYTHING that happened after tat as we lay in bed. Of course, that bit is sacred.
I just wanted to write out how I'm feeling. Not that I'll ever forget, no matter what happens down the road... :)