Tuesday, December 9, 2008


As you get older you realize that words like can't or no are ones that are effectively relegated to children.

"No, you can't stay up because Daddy says so."

"No, you can't have a cookie now, wait til after dinner."

Sure, adults have limitations on a case by case basis. Adults have things they can't do, aren't able to do. But for the most part, if you're of age and self-sufficient then you can do what you want. You can do anything.

Well, maybe not anything...

But, regardless, this has been my sort of motto for a long time. I can do or have anything that I want, as long as I want it enough and am willing to work for it.

Yes, I know there are exceptions...but fuck the exceptions.

Long before there was a Chaz or a Jensen (my kids), when I told my family and friends I wanted, and was going to have kids, so many of them said, "YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS, YOU'RE GAY!"

(or something to that extent)

But I did it, and now, even tho sometimes being a largely single dad (their Mom is in the picture on a limited basis) blows antelopes, I freakin' love it at the same time. It sounds cliche, but it's true what they say, after a while, you can't imagine your life without your kids.

And when I said I was going to start a business, some friends/family doubted my abilities, but I did it. Now I have a successful business AND two adorable munchkins.

I approach relationships with the same additude.

Although I haven't been as successful in that area (my last two boyfriends, including the last who I went as far as marrying, cheated on me), I still have the additude that I can have a long term monogamous, healthy relationship if I want it badly enough and am willing to work and be smart about it.

This is what I want, and I WILL have it, eventually.

The few longterm blog readers I have will remember Cesar, who my friend Janelle set me up with, who easily sailed past Russian Pizza Guy and Krayzee Phone-Stealing Drew.

OK, in retrospect, maybe they weren't much competition for him. But you guys know that at one point, Drew was.

But as I've been spending more time with Cesar, he's been making me remember what I want for myself. He's been making me forget about Mike and all the hurt, making it easier to let it go.

I've just been thinking about all this the last few days and wanted to write it down.

We've been talking a lot....

We shall see what happens...


Kalei said...

Wow that must have taken you a really long time to get all those people to pose for that picture and create the word no for you =), maybe its a metaphor for all the people who actually told any of us No. If nothing else ever pans out in life, I will die happy if my kids are happy. I know that gay or straight you feel the same bond with your kids as I do and the destination is that much sweeter because of all the No's in your life. Thanks for being my follower, I feel like a part of "some friends of mines'" game of D.D. and I have the different companions.....I didn't last long at the game, but I love my companions!....

David Ray said...

See? I'm still here! And every time I come here, there are more people following your blog! What's up with that? I'm starting to feel jealous :)

Anyway, commenting quietly now...

It is true what you say. Even before we realize it, when we're still 3 or 4 years old, people always tell us "no" in the simplest of forms. Plato talked about it, Aristotle, too. As we grow older they try to put us down by denying us things that are much more essential than cookies. For instance, they told you you couldn't have kids or a business of your own. Well, look at you now! You shut their mouths and you should be proud of yourself. Unfortunately, though, the world doesn't turn clockwise for everyone. The vast majority of those who hear "no" all their lives they believe in that "no" and don't even WANT to make their lives the way they dreamed it, because they're molded little weaklings that are afraid of trial and error and blood. Some people hear "you can't" and they tell themselves "I can't." It's tragic with a capital T, but it is rather the brain-washed reality of every asshole and so called "friend" or "family member" out there. And the people who usually say those two words (no and can't) are people who faced the same treatment when they themselves were us. They stopped chasing their dreams, so in their distorted attempt to "protect" us from the same disappointment, they try to beat us to it. Oh, well...I'm very grateful knowing that at least someone out there (and rightmost someone I know!) when hearing "no" replies with "yes. Yes-I-can!"

So, Cesar's still surviving, huh? My bad to vote him out over Drew. He's still surviving fine and thin and hopefully he'll continue walking down that road.

PS. Don't forget to hug and kiss your boys a lot - kids remember!

Penz said...

You know what? Just do you. Fuck everyone else and their opinions. You make it happen and you know what else? You will find that happiness with someone else. Those other "people" were not good enough for you. You are so much better than their behaviors towards you...by the way, I had a boyfriend back in the day named Cesar, broke him in, turned him, out, he got my name tatooed on him and to this day, I was glad to have met him...maybe that was TMI but the point I was getting to was, I hope your Cesar is bringing a smile to your face :) much love.