Sunday, October 19, 2008

Thoughts in my Mind...

So lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life, and who I want it with. Ever since Mike rabbit-punched me in the balls, cheating (with a 20-year-old pharmacy cashier -- how's that not supposed to hurt?), and I ended it...to be honest, I've been in shock, and felt lost. Yes, I soldier on and continue to move and live and date and breathe and dance and try to smile, but I'm a mess.

My kids and my business keep me sane, and they keep me going, keep me excited, keep me hopeful. I love them, I love my kids. They are me, and I am them. They give me purpose. They give me so much, in the simplest of interactions. Just looking in their eyes, I see two little boys who need me, and deserve to have great and fufilling lives. And I resolve to fufill that promise.

Beyond the fufillment of my children and my business tho, something is missing. When everything is done for the night, the kids are in bed asleep, I've made any necessay phone calls, and I'm only left with me, myself and I, in my bed, only left my thoughts, lights off, eyes closed, oblivious of the things around me other than endless, encompassing black, I'm confronted with the nagging realization, the persisitent, nagging certainty -- that something is missing.

I don't have have anyone to spend my life with; I am alone, and it's not meant to be this way. I'm not built to be alone. I'm built to be in a loving relationship. And I don't know if that will ever happen for me. For sure, I'll keep trying. But, will I just keep getting cheated on?

The truth is, I'm not a particularly special guy. I do normal things and have a normal life. Outside of being gay and having kids (by natural means) I haven;t done much that is unusual or noteworthy. I know how to capitalize on what I've got, but I'm nowhere near close a model, or anywhere near close to the smartest guy in the room. Plus, in May I'll be 30, which doesn;t bother me personally, but is noonetheless, true. And all my recet relatioships have ended in my significant other cheating on me.

And all this makes me wonder: Am I the one with the fatal flaw? Does the fact that I do my best to give all of myself to a boyfriend, does that send flares me that spell out C-H-E-A-T-O-N-M-E in the night sky?

Such as it is, I try to live my life and lead by example. I owe it to Chaz and Jensen to lead a respectable and integrous life. I try to do the right thing, and I value tolerance and knowlege over ignorance.

All that...doesn't keep me warm at night. And ya, I mjight be dating. But the truth is, I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen with all that, if anything will come of anything with Drew or Cesar or Ivan. Well, definitely not Ivan. But with Drew or Cesar.

Or, am I just licking my wounds and burying my hurt and depression with sex? I know it's not that simple -- I know I care more than that, but do I owe Chaz and Jensen more than that? Should I just stop everything, and just heal? And can I heal, will I heal, without the distraction of the possibility of a new, better, more healthy and fufilling relationship? Can I heal, if I remain single?

I love my kids more than I will ever love any man, this I know. But I have a lot of love within myslf, and I need an equal partner to give this love to, and get love back from.

But at night in my bed, alone with my thoughts, I'm scared.

I'm scared that that kind of love is an illusion, at best a mirage; I think I can see, but it's never really there, not for me. Is a truly healthy relationship possible?

I'm scared that it isn't.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my bed will never be filled by someone who deserves to be there. I'm scared that I will never find someone who truly loves me, to lay in my bed, and rest their head on my chest.

Is fidelity an illusion, possible only until the next cock or ass comes along? Will my complete inability and lack of desire to cheat ever be reciprocated?

I lay awake and think about all these things, and I'm scared...

2 comments:

Michael said...

you are amazing. your sons are lucky to have you as a father. remember, when you feel alone or are by yourself, it may be easy to fall into the trap of loneliness, but realize that through you, others are far from the same feeling, especially your sons.

you'll find someone. here's a quote that has helped me recently with my breakup:

""It's been said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is what might have been. But what of a man who’s faced with what was? Or what may never be? Or what can no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy. It's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. But sometimes we find our way to something better. Sometimes we fight through the regret and remorse of our mistakes, our malice and our jealousy and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be. And that's when we find our way to something better. Or when something better finds its way to us."

i know it might not be much, but it might help. there's always hope.

please be well.

sending you my best,
michael from california.

David Ray said...

Why didn't you tell me you posted a new blog entry? I was kinda mad at you but I stopped being when I did read it. This is -by far- one of the most honest and beautiful entries you have written -I believe that.

But, Brian...how to say this? I can't really. I can't tell you: "Everything will be fine. You'll find someone to fill the bed next to you. Someone who will love you for who you are and will not cheat on you." I can't say that because I don't know that. I'm not gonna serve you with "everything's gonna be okay" bullshit, because in the long run, everything might not be okay.

I'm not helping much, am I? At least now you know we kinda think the same when we lie in bed at night. And I know how hard it is to sleep when thoughts like those you mentioned linger on and tear you up.

I rooted for Drew since day one, you know that. But if he's not making you happy or fullfilled, you don't have to stay with him or Cezar or Ivan so you won't be alone. Yeah, life is a cheap whore with a 50 thousand dollar dress, but those who think that people are cruel, probably forget that loneliness is even more. No one can help you feel less alone. No one but you.

You have your kids, your life, your job. Something may and will come along, eventually. Something worth waiting for. You are young and really hot -don't worry!

(oh, boy, do I talk much! And much of anything, really! And this Michael guy from sunny California has a point there...)