Today I had a meeting, so this morning when I was getting ready I decided to wear some cologne, spraying several around in the closet to decide on one. Tonight, when I came home and went up to change again, the whole closet spelled of Mike.
Mike always wore cologne, well, very often, and I will always remember the smell. It wasn't pleasant tho, not to smell it now. Felt like his ghost had been here for a visit, and had only just left.
After I kicked him out I gathered up all of *our* stuff. Framed pictures, etc. and lugged them to the storage part of the basement to get them out of my face.
Intellectually I know I am better off without him. He still had issues with his sexuality and sexual preference, and for a million and one reasons he was incapable of staying in a real relationship. All that is painful for me to admit, but it's true.
In my head I know I dodged a bullet. Or, in point of fact, I didn't dodge it, but...it didn't kill me.
I have a lot of great memories of, and with Mike. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't have my kids right now if I hadn't been with Mike. If that's true, it's ironic then that the kids are what made Mike run. Well, the responsibility of them anyway.
I don't know where this blog is going...
I wonder how he feels about me now, or if he even thinks of me. Or maybe he feels like he dodged a bullet too. He probably does, and that's sad.
I wonder how he'd feel if he could have seen me earlier tonight with Chaz, sitting in my lap, reading him a story. Cuz, I mean, really, once you have kids, they are the most important thing to you in your life. Mike never allowed himself to feel that way about Chaz.
Where are the Ghostbusters when you need them?