Thursday, October 30, 2008

Surprise! --- I Can't Keep My Dick In My Pants!

I'm not actively looking for a guy, I'm not even passively looking for a guy, but I'm not perfect, I'm not a saint, and celibacy's a joke I wouldn't even try.

Surprise, surprise, I need sex. And I need adult interaction from people who don't work for me. I need the sanity that comes with meaningful conversation. But I have no time and no desire to expend any effort looking for it...

Yesterday I had to make myself go to the local wholesale place to stock up on supplies for the bakery and Halloween candy, etc. I honestly hate those types of places because everything is so time-consuming. And everything is huge, all the products, the people shopping, the lines are checkout. Everything is HUGE, and drawn out

Thank Beelzebub that I was able to convince Cesar to go with we, because he not only made it tolerable, but fun, if that's tolerable. Boy's got a sweet tooth something fierce. Like tranny Tyra fierce, Christian Siriano fierce, really fierce... Anyway...

I guess it makes sense since I have the bakery, but it still made me laugh. He's throwing packs of candy bars in the cart right and left it seemed. Like he'd never been to a place that this, and he was never going back. It just made me laugh, and it was nice to be with someone, having fun, no pressure...especially after Psycho Drew.

Oh, and I found some Lincon Logs at the place! Does anyone remember them??? I used to play with them when I was a wee mini munchkin. (OMG, am I old?) Whatever, I had to get some for Chaz. And then I can tell him how Daddy played with same toys when he was a kid. :)

Oh, and he's gonna be a baseball player for Halloween, which is tomorrow! You can thank the World Series for that one. But you know, when I was a kid I also went as a baseball player one year, so it's perfect :)

Oh, back to Cesar... Last night we went to see The Secret Life of Bees. God movie with Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys....

He's funny too, he's always speaking Spanish, and thinks it's funny that I don;t know what he's saying. Not in an annoying way, in an adorable way, in an easy way, in a I like spending time with you way. He says I need a little Latino flavor in my life, and maybe he's right.

I like my independence, I like that I have the freedom to do what I want. And I'm not giving that up. And I'm not compromising my children's situations. This is covered territory. But I do want someone to walk beside me. Eventually...

He seems to be intuitive...

During the movie he leaned his head over on my shoulder, well kind of with our heads touching.

Tomorrow is Halloween! I'm closing early so me and the Baby Mama can tkae the Chazinator trick or treating,

As is the usual lately, I am tired but happy.

Oh, and on a totally unrelated random note, I found out today that an ancestor of mine wrote a book. Fragments, by Ada Cora Shattinger. Published in 1940. I think it might be poetry because it's only 36 pages. I'm going to try to get a hold of a copy, but all that I've been able to find are library copies, mostly in California. I'm determined to get my hands on it tho. I'm curious :)

Maybe happy little blog elves will make it magically appear. :) Maybe...

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Healing Power of my Children.... and Dance

Basically, forst of all, I want to thank everyone who has been posting on my blogs, both publicly and privately. I mostly write these blogs for myself as a way to get my thoughts out, but it's nice to have feedback as well. So I thank you.

No worries tho, I'm fine.

Yes, I will miss Mike. You can't be with someone for as long as we were, GET MARRIED, and just bounce back lickety split when shit goes to pot. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It's not a possibility, since he's not capable of the level of commitment that I am.

But I'm constantly reminded that I'm now in an awesome position: I'm a father. And every day my kids remind me of the beauty that can be found in the simplest of things. Chaz and Jensen are amazing. Just to hear Chaz laugh or giggle, or for him to tell me what he wants for breakfast in the morning. It's so adorable and makes me so happy, and I feel priviliged to have these two perfect little people in my life each day.

When I am sad or upset, I can easily remember how much I love my boys, and I know that one day I will find the right guy. Kids make you realize that you can in fact do things that you never thought you could.

Whenever the day comes that I do find that guy, I know I'm already ready. What could prepare me better than having kids? They're living, breathing perspective. And their lessons are not lost on me, Although I will undoubtedly have bad days, I cannot linger in the mindset of those days, because, with grace and innocence, my children won't let me.


And since I've decided to take a step back away from guys for the time being, I've had even more time for exercise, especially dance. While it seems that I almost always go to bed tired lately (what's new?), somehow I have more energy because dancing always makes me happy. It's something I've done off and on since I was a teenager, even taking some classes, but now I just doing it for exercise and fun.

And sometimes Chaz will dance with me, which is just so adorable it mkes me laugh so hard that my eyes water.

I'm happy. I'm healing.

Now, if only we can all get thru next Tiesday minus the alien and the bimbo (McCain/Palin)....

Obama Biden '08! *crosses fingers*

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Pesky Memories...

Today I had a meeting, so this morning when I was getting ready I decided to wear some cologne, spraying several around in the closet to decide on one. Tonight, when I came home and went up to change again, the whole closet spelled of Mike.

Mike always wore cologne, well, very often, and I will always remember the smell. It wasn't pleasant tho, not to smell it now. Felt like his ghost had been here for a visit, and had only just left.

After I kicked him out I gathered up all of *our* stuff. Framed pictures, etc. and lugged them to the storage part of the basement to get them out of my face.

Intellectually I know I am better off without him. He still had issues with his sexuality and sexual preference, and for a million and one reasons he was incapable of staying in a real relationship. All that is painful for me to admit, but it's true.

In my head I know I dodged a bullet. Or, in point of fact, I didn't dodge it, didn't kill me.

I have a lot of great memories of, and with Mike. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't have my kids right now if I hadn't been with Mike. If that's true, it's ironic then that the kids are what made Mike run. Well, the responsibility of them anyway.

I don't know where this blog is going...

I wonder how he feels about me now, or if he even thinks of me. Or maybe he feels like he dodged a bullet too. He probably does, and that's sad.

I wonder how he'd feel if he could have seen me earlier tonight with Chaz, sitting in my lap, reading him a story. Cuz, I mean, really, once you have kids, they are the most important thing to you in your life. Mike never allowed himself to feel that way about Chaz.

Where are the Ghostbusters when you need them?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Nikka Costa @ World Cafe Live: Come On, Get Ur Ass Up!

I've just returned from the Nikka Costa concert at the World Cafe Live in Philly, and I'm so fucking happy that I went. Literally, my hands are swollen in places from clapping so much, and I'm a little sweaty from dancing so much, but I loved it.

From her second song, which was Life a Feather, the crowd was pumped and it never stopped. For anyone who doesn't know of Nikka Costa and has never heard her music, please go out and buy her CDs, you won't be dissapointed. I've been a fan for years now, but this was my first time seeing her live.

Nikka Costa is a force on stage, she's brilliant, and her energy is infectious. World Cafe Live is a small and intimate venue, so any seat, or any spot, is a good one.

Towards the end of her set, on stage with her sizable band, she started singing, "Come on, get your ass up!" and was making anyone that was sitting down get up and dance. It was funny and it was envigorating at the same time.

And I think that's going to be my mantra from now on: Come on, get your ass up!

The last few days have been difficult because I found out some things about Drew that I didn't like.

Sunday I celebrated Chaz's 2 and a half year birthday with a lot of friends, and Drew was there. He left early and called me later, explaining that he had picked up my cell phone by mistake and had it. See, we both have Razors. He was very apologetic and offered to bring it over, but I said I'd just pick it up in the morning, and he said he'd leave the phone by the front door and a key under the mat.

Well, I got there Monday morning and there is no key. I look under the mat and all around and no key. So when I get to work, I call Drew and no answer. No big deal, Drew usually returns calls within an hour. But he doesn't.

I call a few times during the day. No answer. I call after work. I'm worried, he has never not answered his phone or not returned a call for so long before. I actually started to think something might be wrong and was going to go over to his house the next day and check things out.

Before I go to bed Monday night, I call one last time. He finally picks up.

He tells me he's done something bad. I'm worried, and ask, "What??"

Basically, he took my phone (on purpose), listed to a bunch of messages that were either new (I never had gotten them because he had my phone) or old, got jealous by whatever he heard, decided to delete a bunch of my saved and new messages, and then went so far as to delete a bunch (later I discovered it was all of the guy's numbers in my phone, including family members, and ones I don;t know by heart and might be hard to get back, including some work contacts) of programed numbers from my phone.

He's telling me all this, and we actually talk for quite a while. And I'm just getting angrier and angrier. He took my phone and listened to private messages and deleted information. And all because he's jealous because I'm single and dating more than one guy. Which he knew, from the start. And seemed to be okay with.

And he keeps apologizing and crying and telling me this and that and getting hysterical. And all I can think is that he seems crazy and has boundary issues. And he justseems unstable.

I went and got the phone late last night after I got off the phone with him. I told him I think we don;t need to see each other anymore.

And to myself, I think that I need to make a few changes in my life. Mainly that I need to concentrate on myself, and surround myself only with my kids and my friends. And I need to be more discriminating about who I let in my life.

And right now, Drew's no longer ion my life.

Back to my new mantra tho. Come on, get up off your ass. It could not have come at a better time.

See, I'm not gonna let this thing with Drew bother me.

Why? Because I'm living life. I'm getting my ass up. I'm seeing a great, inspirational singer. And I'm getting some perspective.

So, it's official: guys are taking a backseat in my life. What is important is my kids, my friends, and being sucessful in my business.

I'm not kicking Cesar to the curb. I'm not stupid enough to screw something that could potentially be good. But I am gonna explain my new philosophy to him, and see what he thinks about it.

And we shall see, I guess. But I'm not worried either way.

I just needed to get all that out.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Thoughts in my Mind...

So lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life, and who I want it with. Ever since Mike rabbit-punched me in the balls, cheating (with a 20-year-old pharmacy cashier -- how's that not supposed to hurt?), and I ended be honest, I've been in shock, and felt lost. Yes, I soldier on and continue to move and live and date and breathe and dance and try to smile, but I'm a mess.

My kids and my business keep me sane, and they keep me going, keep me excited, keep me hopeful. I love them, I love my kids. They are me, and I am them. They give me purpose. They give me so much, in the simplest of interactions. Just looking in their eyes, I see two little boys who need me, and deserve to have great and fufilling lives. And I resolve to fufill that promise.

Beyond the fufillment of my children and my business tho, something is missing. When everything is done for the night, the kids are in bed asleep, I've made any necessay phone calls, and I'm only left with me, myself and I, in my bed, only left my thoughts, lights off, eyes closed, oblivious of the things around me other than endless, encompassing black, I'm confronted with the nagging realization, the persisitent, nagging certainty -- that something is missing.

I don't have have anyone to spend my life with; I am alone, and it's not meant to be this way. I'm not built to be alone. I'm built to be in a loving relationship. And I don't know if that will ever happen for me. For sure, I'll keep trying. But, will I just keep getting cheated on?

The truth is, I'm not a particularly special guy. I do normal things and have a normal life. Outside of being gay and having kids (by natural means) I haven;t done much that is unusual or noteworthy. I know how to capitalize on what I've got, but I'm nowhere near close a model, or anywhere near close to the smartest guy in the room. Plus, in May I'll be 30, which doesn;t bother me personally, but is noonetheless, true. And all my recet relatioships have ended in my significant other cheating on me.

And all this makes me wonder: Am I the one with the fatal flaw? Does the fact that I do my best to give all of myself to a boyfriend, does that send flares me that spell out C-H-E-A-T-O-N-M-E in the night sky?

Such as it is, I try to live my life and lead by example. I owe it to Chaz and Jensen to lead a respectable and integrous life. I try to do the right thing, and I value tolerance and knowlege over ignorance.

All that...doesn't keep me warm at night. And ya, I mjight be dating. But the truth is, I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen with all that, if anything will come of anything with Drew or Cesar or Ivan. Well, definitely not Ivan. But with Drew or Cesar.

Or, am I just licking my wounds and burying my hurt and depression with sex? I know it's not that simple -- I know I care more than that, but do I owe Chaz and Jensen more than that? Should I just stop everything, and just heal? And can I heal, will I heal, without the distraction of the possibility of a new, better, more healthy and fufilling relationship? Can I heal, if I remain single?

I love my kids more than I will ever love any man, this I know. But I have a lot of love within myslf, and I need an equal partner to give this love to, and get love back from.

But at night in my bed, alone with my thoughts, I'm scared.

I'm scared that that kind of love is an illusion, at best a mirage; I think I can see, but it's never really there, not for me. Is a truly healthy relationship possible?

I'm scared that it isn't.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my bed will never be filled by someone who deserves to be there. I'm scared that I will never find someone who truly loves me, to lay in my bed, and rest their head on my chest.

Is fidelity an illusion, possible only until the next cock or ass comes along? Will my complete inability and lack of desire to cheat ever be reciprocated?

I lay awake and think about all these things, and I'm scared...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dating -- It's a Smorgasbord...and my Tummy Hurts!

Haha, nah, my tummy is fine. But this the first time I've had to myself since Friday morning. But this has probably been the best Friday to Sunday (or weekend, der) that I've had in a long time.

Friday I took the menchkins to work with me for a while, and then took them to Jenn's. It's a bit worrisome that Chaz is seeming not to like going over to his Mom's and would rather stay with me, but I'm breaking him of that, or trying. It's bugging Jenn too, and she's thinking she should spend more time with them, this weekends at Mommy's. But anway...

I worked all day and I met Cesar at the momies. This is the guy that my friend Janelle was wanting to set me up with. I got there a little early and he was waiting out front and I was kind of annoyed because his friend Elena was with him. I mean, I wasn't sure what she was doing there, but it seemed a lttle frickin' middle school to me. This was meant to be a group hang. But whatever. She was really kind of annoying, stereotypical big-breasted, fat-assed fag hag, but she did leave after the movie.

Movie was good, Eagle Eye, but I missed part of it because Cesar decided to get frisky, haha. All I'm gonna say is we were in the back, and it's not been out that long, there were a lot of people in the theatre, and I know some of them knew what was going down. Boy's got some oral skills, and I don't mean singing....heheh ;)

After the movie, both of us were hungry so we got McDonald's which I never go, but it was so good. And Cesar had an appetite, which was nice, a fag who actually eats, haha, but ya. And he's fuckin cute too. He's half Cuban and half Puerto Rican which my friend tiold me means that he'd have a big dick, haha (shoult out to Danny, haha), And has also has a smackable, squeezable kneadable bubble butt, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We ended up going back to the house and we sat outback a while talking and kissing and messing around before we made it to the bedroom and crashed a few hours later. Ya, fuuuun., mmmhmm. Janelle gets several points on the awesomely awesome friend score board. Very nice.... ;)

Saturday morning we had brekafast and Cesar left. On the way to work I saw a sign for a community yard sake so I stopped. It's in this cute subdivision of townhouses near the bakery. Well, anyways, I was going around, looking for nothing in particular, maybe something like a toy for the kids and I came up to this cute couple standing by a card table selling odds and enda. Actually, they were both hot, probably mid to late 20s.

They were chatty and talkative and tried to intrest me in a hot air balloon ride for one that they had won somewhere and never used. We all laughed about what anyone would want to go on a hot air balloon by themselves, wtf, right? Thye were trying to get me to buy something, asking me what I was looking for. I told them I was really not looking for much, but I collected shot glasses, and was looking for devilled egg dishes for my Mom (she collects them too)

The girl says she's got one she'll never use, asks me if I want to come in and look at it. So we all go in and it was really funny because they were standing together in their kitchen all couply and cute and fuckable and she starts in.

"Can I just ask you -- are you single?" I answered yes, and was laughing to myself, thought I had misread them, was this girl trying to ask me out??? I didn't think so. But my answer makes them both happy. It's Saturday morning, I'm slow.

They Introduce themselves, Aaron and Kelly. I'm totally amused, what do they want? Basically, they want to know if I'd be interested in either hooking up with Aaron while Kelly watched, or a threesome if I'm into that. I start laughing, can;t believe I was so slow on the uptake. It was still early. Aaron was talking about how they had been wanting to experiment with another guy but didn;t know anyone, and they were afraid to use MySpace or facebook or Craig's List.

Shit, they're both fuckin cute. Aaron is shorter than me with lifght brown short hair and what looked like a decent body from what I could tell in the tshirt and shorts. Kelly is [petite with short blonde hair. I'd be stupid to veto it outright.

And, I found out, they were both good kissers, haha. Shit, it's still now writing about it, but I hae to laugh and process. We got each other's numbers. And completely forgot about the devilled egg dish, haha, Oh well, heheh

But yaaaa, so after, after I went to see the munckins again and drop pff this cute stuffed basketbll I found. Chaz was happy to se me, but he informed me that I needed to leave, so they could go to the orchard, haha. All play-stern, and then he laughed. They love going there. I wish I could have painted his face right then and there. Jensen had just had a little drink of milk, and gave me a smile.

I worked all day and Drew showed up at night. We had another band, and that went well again, which makes me happy. I'm really trying to distinguish my business from other bakeries or restaurants in the area. Live entertainment in fun and it gets a new type of client for the bakery and attracts more business. Plus, I love being aroubnd people in that atmosphere. I love live music, and I love introducing the band. I love making sure everyone is happy and pleased and has everything (foodwise) that they need.

I think everyone enjoyed it, It'll probably sound cheesy, but it really makes me feel alive to hear live music, in a similar way that being around Chaz and Jensen makes me feel alive. It just makes me really happy.

OK, Queerbert McFuck, I'll stop being so gay.

But ya, Drew and I didn;t crash till like 1:30, then didn;t sleep till 2:30. I'm liking him a lot, but I'm still enjoying being single.

In the morning we went and got the kids and Jenn and took them to see the treehouse at the Gardens near the house. It's really nice, not a typical treehouse. They had also carved a few (HUGE) pumpkins and we let Chaz sit on them haha. They were taller than he is, haha, After than, Jenn left with the kids. After that we went and let Chaz pick out a pumpkin. Hopefully we can carve them tomorrow It was a nice day weather wise (brilliant), but we disn;t want Jensen out too long being so young, plus Jenn was gonna take them to see her parents tonight, and I'll go get them in the morning.

Drew and I stayed and we walked around out in the breeze, enjoying the day. There was some sort of walk for muscular dystrophy going on, it was really busy.

On the way home, Drew informed me that the kids didn;t scare him. I started to laugh, and I think it bothered him. I know he's getting closer to me, and he told me that the idea of being with someone with kids, or being responsible for them, etc. didn;t scare him at all. Makes me feel good for sure, but it is something I will have to file away for later. But it dioes mean something, alot, to me.

It's too fast tho. I need to process, I need to spend more time with him, be sure he means that. Figure out how I feel about him.

Till then, I'm gonna see Ivan tonight.

Till then, I'm gonna try to get some sleep, a little nap at least. Plus, I probably need to make some calls. I got calls from both Ivan and Cesar (and Drew) this weekend while I was out with other guys. But it's not like any of them don;t know the deal. I'm single, but I can't deal with anything majorly serious at the moment.

So why not get laid on the meantime? ;)

Mmm, I may got outside for a bit. Such great weather. I LOVE it!

We saw Eagle Eye, good movie

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Dating: The Brave New World

I've been nudged and asked enough times by the munchkins and drawves and gnomes that read my blog for a new update that I've relented. Apparently I do have a human following, but it's the leprechauns and faeries that are most vocal. Apparently...

Anyhow, here's what's been going on...

I've been seeing more of Drew (the guy I mentioned in the last blog) and have been enjoying spending time with him. We spent a whole day and night together, and were with my older son for part of the time, and I guess he passed that test. Didn;t run screaming at the sight of Chaz.

We also watched the Vice Presidential debate on Thursday together (we're both very political).

I'm liking him more, but still, for my sake, need to keep him at somewhat of a distance, which has gotten hard already, since he's been asking questions about Mike, my ex. Drew has also told me that he doesn;t think I know how much he really likes me.

I talked to Drew and told him that I still need things to go slow, and for my own piece of mind, I also need to start dating other people (because Drew is the first guy I've dated since Mike and I split -- which I know Drew wasn't in love with) but I also told him that, if it's important to him, I'll try to answer questions about Mike and mine's relationship -- although I told him I won;t want to talk about it at any real legnth (any negative emotion like sadness makes me feel incredibly unfortable and I'm not wanting to meltdown in front of Drew). But anyway, that is tonight. Oh joy, I can't wait, right?

Also, Wednesday I met Ivan, aka Russian Pizza Guy, when I as picking up the pizza that I ordered since I was too lazy and tired to cook for myself.

I had Chaz and Jensen with me, and RPG asked if they were my little brothers (lolzz), while patting Chaz on the head and saying how cute he was. On ething lead to another and he gave me his number. It always shocks me a little when guys approach in every day places, but I know I was all gayed out (clotheswise) and I know it was probably obvious. Gay-tight clothes and a flat top, but why not? I had a heachache and kinda felt crappy, and most of the time dressing up makes me feel better.

Anyweird, we went out last night, and it was very FUN. The time at the restaurent was abbreviated, after we discovered we weren't hungry....for food.

I have to say, I wasn;t expecting much from Ivan, didn;t think we'd have much in common, but I respect any guy who has the balls to approach me, and he was cute (looks like a Russian Chad Michael Murray) so I thought it'd be fun.

I still don;t know how much we have in common outside of bed, but there was an instant attraction and a hell of a lot of chemistry in bed.
******OK, in case any ankle biters from Flixster are reading this, stop now. Go play a video game or watch Hannah Montana*********



OK, that was my attempt.

Ivan's fucken hot. Muscley, but not too much, and tattos everywhere, which I didn;t notice when I got the pizza. And he liked mine (I have four, including a very big one of a cross, among other things on my back). He actually told me we had to go get tats together.

We were in bed for several hours, and I didn;t pass out til about 3:30 - 4 am. It's kinda sad, but I think Ivan and I had a lot more chemistry (sexually anyway) then me and my ex did (because we're into some of the same things which I'm not gonna enumerate here)

I woke up at 11:45 this morning, and that never happens, I never sleep in, and Ivan was still sleeping next to me. I had to run, but will call him soon.

So tonight is the talk with Drew. Drew. Drew, who I actually like, both sexually and a ton of other ways.

Gotta say, I'm loving being single right now.