Monday, November 19, 2007

Getting it all out

My sister is seven years older than me. When I was young I looked up to her; I thought she wasl and in some ways I wanted to be like her. When I was 9, 10, 11, 12...we used to hang out and do things together. She used to dress me up and take me out with her friends and we'd go downtown and have dinner and walk around and hang out. And I felt special because she didn;t do the same with my older brother who is three years younger than her.

That started to change about the time that I was 13. My sister has been alcoholic to varying degrees for 19 years. And it really hasn;t ever gotten any better, it's just gotten worse.

When I came out to her years ago, our relationship really changed. The night I came out she was very supportive and curious and even excited. But the next day she informed me that she felt betrayed because I had kept a secret from her. Soon after she got a DUI and her living arrangements changed and I saw her a lot more often. I would often come home after a weekend away and gfind her drunk and beligerent and would have to clean up after her.

One night she was mad at me because I was using my computer for a paper I had to write for school and she wanted to get on AOL to chat with a guy she met on there (who ater became her husband). She ended up getting drunk and starting a fight. Made some unforgivable personal attacks on me concerning my homosexuality.

After that I didn;t have much to do with her. But, she's my sister, right? I can't ever totally get away from her.

One night in May of 2004 I went over to her apartment because I needed to get away. This was the first time I was going to be spending any time with her in a long while. Long story short, she got mad at me whehn she realized I knew something she didn;t want me to know, left and got drunk, then came home, thru a fit, and thru me out of her apartment at 2 am when I had no way of getting home.

I guess telling the whole story in kind of pointless. The point is that my sister is a beligerent, hateful drunk, and really a very selfish and horrible person, even when she's sober.

Lately tho she's gotten another DUI (her third that I know of). Since then, nearly every weekend she gets drunk (and sometimes more than once a week). My inept brother in law calls my mother and she goes over and takes so much abuse just trying to clean up after my sister's ungeatful ass.

As I write this, it's happened again. And I hear that she was physically violent towards my mother.

I'm going to be honest. I've seen enough of my sister's behavior to know that she is going to end up dead some way or the other. And, as bad as it sounds, most often nowadays I'm just hoping that it happens soon.

My sister is like cancer, infecting everyone unfortunate enough to stuble too closely. I am a second from completely disowning her.

The thing that kills me is that we all had a great life growing up. I mean, we never wanted for anything. The family wasn;t abusive. We went to good schools, we all had friends. Ya, my dad was kind of a cock, but nothing's perfect.

AND, my sister was the hands down favorite. Given everything to become successful and productive and now she's shitting it away on alcohol.

She had a teaching job, and she was a GOOD teacher. She gave it up, for, as far as I can tell, because they wanted her to switch the grade she taught and she was unwilling to do so. Now she's apparently taking classes at some dermatology school, or some shit. That's when she's not too shitfaced to make it to class.

Wedneasday and Thursday I have to be around her and I know my Mom will want me to pretend everything is fine. But I can;t do that. I don't even want to see her.

Being perfectly honest, I hate her...profoundly. She has no respect for herself or the people around her. I've lost track of the time she's threatened to kill herself...and I sometimes find myself wishing she'd just do it.

But, you see, I know they are empty threats. She doesn;t have the balls to kuill herself on purpose. Plus, everything that she does is for attention.

I refuse to engage her. The best I can do is cut off tcontact and hope for the best. I do want her to get better. I want her to go to rehab. I wantr her to do anything that will make her stop being an utterful hateful, horrible person. But I'm unwilling to subject myself to any more of her abuse.

We will talk to her and she will admit that she has a problem with alcohol and say she needs to do something about it. And then within a few days she'll get trashed again and be passed out in bed the whole next day.

She has no respect for herself or others. I have no respect for her.

I stopped being able to cry years ago. The best I can do is talk and write. I cannot feel, not about this.

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