Monday, November 17, 2008

Letting it Out

I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I've been fighting it, because part of me doesn't want to even partially legitimize what's been going on by writing about it.

I'm feeling really low and discouraged and I despise feeling this way. I guess I'm just on edge and really emotional lately, and I'm not one to cry or explode or anything. I never let things out and it all becomes this seething, boiling red hot anger. My other emotions are just shut off, they have to be.

Last week something happened at work, and it was first time I've ever experienced anything like it. I never thought it would happen, I thought in this day and in my area of the country, in my town, we were past it. Evidently I was wrong

A man walked into the bakery and just went off. He just started yelling something like: "I don't want eat at this FAG RESTAURANT (he screamed it). You know, you could get AIDS! You shouldn;t be EATING HERE! Get OUT of here! You Don't want AIDS!

At first I froze. I felt like I was watching an over zealous portrayal on a tolerance-in-the-workplace video. Then I felt my face flush and I was furious. I wanted to kill this guy. I wanted him to stop yelling. I didnn't want to be seeing him. I didn;t want this to be happening.

Luckily there was police officer picking up lunch at the counter when the guy came in. He dealt with him. It's not even worth elaborating on.

Except that after I felt embarassed and violated and mortified and sad.

Why would someone feel compelled to do that? What's the point?

I live in the Philadelphia metro area, not Armpit Stank, Idaho or Mooseburger, Alaska.

The truth is, I've felt like shit about it for days, since it happened.

You have to understand, I don't live my life closeted. I don;t understand being in the closet. I burned mine down a long time ago. People know I am gay. Most of my exployees knew I was gay before the incident. The day it happened, one of my kids quit. No real explanation, just he couldn;t work for me anymore.

Maybe he thought he'd get AIDS. (Not that this needs to be said but I am 100% HIV negative. And that's so beside the point anyway).

Nothing else has happened at work.

But something else happened today....

I actually called my Dad because his birthday is coming up and I thought I'd be a "good son" and call him. People who know me know I don;t see or talk to my Dad very often. Partially because he lives across the country, and partially because he doesn;t approve of my life choices. Translation: he doesn't like where I stick my dick. He's a bigot and a homophobe.

But I was gonna get the birthday thing over with.

Well, somehow he get on the topic of Prop 8 and gays and lesbians right to marry.

Now, my Dad don;t talk about me being gay...but he knows I am. And he's met all of the past important men in my life.

Well he starts saying that he would probably voye for gays to have civil unions, but he doesn;t believe gays should be able to marry because "that's not what the Bible says and that is not the way laws are written. Plus, what if gays just start marrying so they can get benifits??"

My Dad is a colossal douchebag

I ask him if he really believes that I shouldn;t be able to get married and have the same rights as straight couples...

He starts talking about how it's not fair or right for people to ask for special rights. He says what's next? Are fat people gonna ask for special rights? Or people with red hair?

I tell him it's not the same thing.

I tell him that civil unions are the equivalent of separate but equeal. And every resonable, educated person knows that separate but equal was always separate but never equal.

He gets flustered. Starts his normal line of bullshit about how Obama is gonna get into office and "change everything around with his liberal friends" He says Obama wants to change the Constitution! Imagine that!

We argue. He makes a derogatory comment about gay relationships not being real, not being legitimate. he makes a joke, basically calling my ex a faggot and me a fudge packer.

I call him a bigoted crusty old fuck and hang up on him.

I am instantly and harshly reminded why I never talk to him.

And here I sit, trying my best let it roll off my back. Trying to fake-it-till-you-make-it smile with my kids.

But I'm hurt. And writing about it in a blog is better than punching a hole in the hole or plotting Shakespearean-worthy senarios or patricide.

I know some people actually do read this blog. And I am officially asking for feedback. Even if you just tell me to get over myself. Because maybe I need to. I don't know. Something needs to change tho.

11 comments:

David Ray said...

Brian -

I have to apologize in advance because I know for sure at this point that this is gonna be one hell of a long comment I'll be leaving you. And also, I have to apologize for all the swearing. I'm sure there will be plenty of that as well. So, sorry!

About the "nice" guy who so kindly expressed his homosexual-tolerant opinion at your workplace: buy a gun and blow his brains out. No, I'm joking. I hate violence. It never solved anything. And I know you agree. I'm not gonna tell you to ignore him, of course, but if you ever do see him again, just go to him and tell him, "you can hate faggots all you want, fucker. Just not where I work, or live, or sleep, or fuck. Got that?" And the fact that you live in the metro area of Philadelphia makes no odds. This could have happened anywhere -California, New York, Australia, Greece, Germany. Anywhere. Homophobia doesn't choose locations depending on the geography. Unfortunately for us, homophobes are everywhere and they're always inhumane. But that's how the world works. And there's absolutely NOTHING we can do about it. And the fact that the Democratic Party won the elections means zip. No "special rights" will be given to anyone in the 4 years of the Obama presidency. And hoping for that is seemingly futile.

About your dad. Well, I know you mentioned that you need feedback by the people who comment on your blog, but I think this is clearly personal -just between the two of you. My dad and I do have similar problems -on a lower scale, but boy does he love to blame it all on the "queerness phase" I'm going through. Anyway, it's not the time and the place, maybe it never will be, but let's just say that both my dad and I will die without being honest or ever saying "I love you" to each other. Don't let that happen to you. Just tell him, "You know what, dad? I'm gay. I was born gay. I will die gay. We'll throw a fabulous party at my funeral singing Judy and dancing half-naked. You can accept that or not. Either way, I can live without you."

Oh, well, I've stopped making sense and I don't want to continue messing things even more and ranting pointlessly. This is totally up to you and you alone. Yes, we can help -the people who comment and read your blog- but you are essentially on your own, leading a separate life than ours. It's up to you, frankly.

(I'm not even going to begin explaining just how funny and insane this comment REALLY is to read!!!!)

distractinglybombastic said...

Thank you, David. Reading this gives me so perspective and actually made me smile some :) I really appreciate your words

Man, you need a blog already!

The Rambler said...

(((sigh)))

I don't know what to say except that you are a father and the best thing to do is to make the future better is by educating your children about ignorance and being more understanding of this planet of ours. Put your energies in that...because as a parent myself, nothing makes me happier than being a parent.

Your father will never change and as much as we hope that the people that brought us into this world will be our knights in shining armor, best friend, and rock forever, maybe they just aren't. The great thing is YOUR not your father. Surround yourself with things in life that matter to you, don't waste energy on the poor slumps that are too stupid to realize how idiotic they are (they don't deserve your time, and make your life as rich with love, compassion, your children as you possibly can.

Hang in there buddy! And f**k the man that is called dad in your life. A real man wouldn't do that do his own children!!!

Okay, my ramblings are over...

distractinglybombastic said...

Thanks Rambler,

I guess I have to put the nail in the coffin one the whole my-dad-changing-thing, huh?

But you're right about my kids. My kids are my compass, they keep me sane and focused.

Thanks!

Danny C said...

Essentially what these two people did was come up to you and shouted "NIGGER" in your face.

This isn't a perfect world. Shit happens. What of justice? What of fairness? Things happen that aren't fair, but what we do have is the hope that good things will happen.

My perception on things is going through a slow shift because of recent events, so I'll end my comment with a couple of truisms. "Be the change you want to foster." "Never take things for granted."

Your dad is still a douchebag.

hope said...

darling, i am so sorry you have had a week from hell !!

remember who you are, and that the universe created you perfectly... no excuses to anyone- be it a customer, or a family member.

i love you..... just thought you might need to hear that.

--hope

nathan said...

Bri...Nate from hickville Sumas Wash...I am Hopes other half and My woman is bisexual and my nephew is Gay andmy sister is lesbian we love them all. I am so sorry for your old fathers remarks and some (I WILL NOT GIVE HIME THE POWER OF A LABEL)coming into your business and freakying out but do not let the uneduacted or the mindless bring you down And try this with your father. Just keep saying I forgive you for not understanding and I love you(AT SOME POINT THERE WILL BE NO FIGHT BECAUSE HE WILL NOT EFFECT YOU ANYMORE) . A friend(BILL WOOSLLEY) of mine said it is the hardest thing in the world to say I forgive you to your attacker or some one who is hurting you with some thing worse than a sword...Their words of anger and hate...Bri It is hard to turn the other cheek I know I have fought all my life.But Cum over to the Pacfic Northwest and we will love you and your children unconditionally and Remember IEven if you moved here which is fairly open theres that small fraction that can be the hater or the hurtful and lash out no matter where or what you do.So Please do not let t wreck your day.I did not say not effect you this is not realistic...But do not hold on these peoples problems.And there alot of good workers who would be honored to work with a gay man such as your self. I WOULD!!! So send a letter being the bigger educated man and say I forgive you for not understanding me and my kind of people I love you Father.Nothing else. Hire a great employee and repalce the one who walked out and not to worry it may not have had any thing to do with you.But to prepare in the future maybe a once a week emplyoee meeting...Ask them how they feel about working with Gay and lesbian people and Tell them that what happened due to this mans ignorance(At youer work);Will happen again most likely because people who are mean and uneducated attack others beause they are missing something inside them self. Once again sorry to hear about this.I look forward tothe day we get to spend time with you and I will so love to eat at your estabishment...With or without the ugly people around we care and love you so call or E-mail and lets get rich so we can have you out here or we can cum over there.Nate The Pieman and Horny Hippy Hope.P.S. To all you haters...I am a biker with Tats and The whole Harley Davidson thing and ya all need to grow up and I am a big enough man,human and father as well as brother as well as uncle to love all the Gay people and colored people and different spitual Etc-Etc.In our beautiful world.One or two sours apples can spoil the whole box or ya can throw them out. PEACE BRIAN

Lady with a View said...

I came and lurked today at your blog - found you on Ramblers site.

My husband's twin brother is gay. They were raised in the bible belt. Actually, as far as the midwest goes, we all lived on the ass side of the belt.

My husband was a HUGE homophobe when I met him and his entire family was estranged from the gay son/brother. I embraced him - because he is funny, loving and a blast to have as a BIL.

He endured some very harsh and unfair treatment - but over the years, there has been a mending. I would love to say that it was my tirades that made the difference - but in reality, I think it was a multitude of events.

It's far from perfect - but we all get together now - including his very significant other half - and it's all good albiet sometimes we do love to debate with each other about such topics as Prop 8. There are enough on both sides that it gets very interesting.


For the very first time, I overheard my husband say to him, "I love you brother" just this last Thanksgiving.

I'm telling you this to give you hope that people CAN and DO change. Tolerance can be learned.

Peace to you -

Kim

Shan said...

I just wanted to echo what a few others have said here. Being able to put down the burdens that others try to make us carry isn't easy. I know it can be done, because sometimes I manage it myself (not nearly as much as I'd like).

Also, people as a species are definitely trainable. I know this because my racist, partial homophobe (pretty lesbians were always okay, I'd be willing to bet) father has done it. As a kid, I learned all the stereotypes and names for the various groups.

But I am not kidding when I say that his best friend for the past 10 years or so is a black, butch lesbian. She's the only person I've *ever* known him to allow to ride his Harley... and I don't mean he drove and she rode, I mean he let her take it out for a test drive by herself.

Perhaps the jerk who yelled at your bakery will come to regret it in the future. Maybe the kid who quit was going to quit anyway. I work with high school students... this sort of thing happens pretty often.

Anyway, I just started reading your site this evening (brought over from Lady with a View). I know you're moving on past it all, but I thought I'd send you some positive vibes from the non-H8er side of California.

Shan :+)

distractinglybombastic said...

Thanks Shan, even tho I am moving past it, it still helps to get perspective, because it's not like I'm ever going to totally forget it, so thank you :)

Kalei said...

Wow....That is some crazy messed up bull poop that guy dished out in your establishment.....I think that, that guy must have way too much time on his hands to be looking for a place that has a gay owner in it to scream at....People will always be there to tear someone down when they are not in a place of fulfillment. You seem like you have a pretty blessed life and successful too. It takes a strong, confident person to build a business, while being honest and open to everyone. It is scary that you had that guy freak out on you, did the cop take his name for record?
I am sorry your dad is not more supportive. Did you tell him Fat people can marry these days? I mean if Fat people can marry why can't you?
My friend told his parents, once about his lifestyle, and they chose to ignore it. He lets them live in denial and his mom even called me once to help set him up on a date...I told her I thought that was nice of her, but he could find his own "friends". she never spoke to me again.....truth is that generation before us lived under a fear of God and they wrestle with the open minds of our time, and they try to breed those same fears in their children(unless their kids are gay), and slowly, there will be more open minds then bigotry. God has a sense of humor and likes irony, otherwise he wouldn't have "created" your life. Your dad should be proud to have you as a son. I wish I was in philly that I could check out your shop, I will have to keep on keepin on up in Steeler country (pittsburgh for your other readers.) where there is some crazy messed up poopy heads too. Go Steelers!