You know what I realized? Blogging is therapeutic, even if no one reads it. And I've had a stressful week (and it's only Tuesday!) and I need some therapy, bitches!
I've had two people quit this week so that blows goats...
Plus...drama with the momma, and not the baby momma, my momma (see previous blog)
See calls me today and informs me she needs to ask me something... (in my experience this is never a good thing)
She wants to know what "we" are gonna do about sis for New Years. She thinks I "need to invite" sis to my house
Uhhhh, NOOOOO!
I tell her I have plans with friends, plus I remind her that sis isn't welcome at my house. Mom blows a gasket. I basically hear what Charlie Brown hears when the teacher talks.
I tell her to have sis at her house. That's not gonna work because Mom wants to be with man. Perfectly reasonable.
I suggest sis should be left at her house, to lay in the bed she made for herself, for once.
More squawking from Mom.
I tell her I refuse to have a repeat of Christmas. I end the conversation.
I feel shitty that I can't just make myself do what my Mom wants me to do. But I am like Mary J. Blige and want no more drama in my life.
PLUS...
Ok, I know this is a cheese factor of 12, but New Years I'm going to make it official with Cesar (be official bfs). I'm gonna have a few friends over (not too, too many) and I want it to be intimate and even a little romantical. It's probably a formality at this point but I want to try to make it kind of special and memorable, even ho all I'm doing is making it official...whatever.
Emotional outbursts are not romantical. Drunken hot messes are not romantical.
I want romantical. We shall have romantical.
Romantical, Can you tell I like the word? :)
Happy New Years blog elves and lurkers!
Wish me luck! (Yes, I can't help being nervous somehow, shut up)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Photo Fridays!: My Mom!
YAY!
It's Saturday, but pretend like it's Friday! Because I just got my scanner Thursday! Yay! Photo Fridays! Go with it, people!
Photo Fridays is when I share a photo and blog about some aspect of my life related to the photo. YAY! You're all ecstatic, I know!
For Christmas, my Aunt sent some old pics of my Mom so I decided to start off Photo Fridays with a pic of her from high school.
Check out the hair! You all love it!
Basically one of the reasons that I wanted to share a photo of my Mom is that I really do love her. Sometimes we fight and argue, but at the end of the day I am closest to her and I wouldn't be 1/10th of the man I am today without her.
From the time I was a wee mini-munchkin she has been in my corner fighting for me, even from the time I was born and was premature and had some issues, she fought for me then.
She isn't perfect, but she is perfect in her imperfections.
Even after I came out, when we were not each other's favorite person for a few years, she came around eventually, and I always knew she loved me, Unlike me Dad who is a total douchebag, whatever.
We may not be as uber-close as Cesar and his Mom seem to be, but we have a real bond. We are there for each other when it counts,
Yes, I am a fag who loves his Mom, heheh, oh well
Photo Fridays, YAY!
Christmas --- rough start, excellent ending
OK ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one, so if you intend to read on, fix a mug of your favorite bev, curl up with a warm blanket and get comfy because I've been itching to write this and I've got a lot to say. AND, I finally have time to write it. The mini-munchkin is getting some quality time with the baby mama's mama and the munchkin is laying down next to me coloring me a picture.
So....
(why don't they have underline on this blog thing?)
Christmas Eve
As you know, my sister is likely getting a divorce and the BIL's mom and sis came from jolly old England for Christmas and he wanted to spend time with his fam alone so Drunkella had Christmas with us.
My Mom picked sis up from work and took her home to get her overnight bag and pick up her two fat cats. Apparently there was drama there because she didn;t bother to pack beforehand and took FOREVER getting her stuff together, THEN, after they left to come to my house, she forgot something and they had to turn around.
Whatever, right? Not too, too bad, especially for my sister.
Well, as soon as they got here, they were unloading the cats and getting them set up in the basement and sis says she has got to get changed and runs upstairs to the guest bedroom. Well, she comes down about 10 minutes later and it's obvious she's been drinking (slurring words, stumbling some). So she goes out for a cig and my Mom (heartbroken at the prospect of my sister drunk on Christmas Eve, no less) goes up to the room to see where sis hid the booze. (It was obviously her booze since all my booze is locked away, either behind a key pad or under lock and key).
So, Mom ends up finding 4 pint-size vodka bottles, and two are half empty. Well, about this time sis comes up to the bedroom and is even more drunk (major slurring, barely talking above a wisper [unless she wants to yell and scream], can't keep her head up, beligerent behavior).
Mom and I both are feeling about a million different emotions. My sister has done a lot of things, but drinking on Christmas Eve, that's a first. Plus, I'm worried about my kids being there (no worries, they weren't exposed to any of her behavior). Plus, my brother and sister were coming at that point in about 2 hours and I was afraid that when they say the state sis was in they'd just leave. Also, Mom and I had to finish cooking, which we were behind on. Lastly, I had friends dropping in all night off and on (which is normal) and I was worried they'd see her (which some did and I was *mortified*....)
Mom and I try to talk to sis. She starts her normal bullshit, blaming everything on my mother (who, for the record, is, despite a few faults, a wonderful woman, and doesn;t deserve 95% of sis's bs).
She irrational, screaming at my Mom, I lose my temper. She's being ridiculous, at one point insinuating that her behavior isn't her fault because "drinking is genetic" and "Papaw was an alcoholic." This last bit was designed to upset my mother and isn;t even true. The truth is that my grandpa had two pediods in his life when he drank: once in the late 30s-early 40s when my oldest uncle was a little boy (way before my Mom was born) and once again in the mid 70s after my grandparents got a divorce and Papaw married a horrible woman.
Anyway, sis is ridiculous, begging for the vodka back, swearing she'll just stay up in her room and not come out for dinner.
We end up getting her to come down. She sobers up a bit. Starts hugging us every five minutes and crying (which is very annoying when you're trying to cook). She insists on doing a back flip in the family room to prove she can still do one (she used to be a gymnast).
At one point a friend of mine stops by to exchange presents. Sis hugs him and cries. She doesn't even know him. He doesn;t know her. They've never met. I am mortified. He leaves.
I suggest sis go upstairs, brush teeth (she smells like a brewry/cig factory) and wash face (major racoon eyes). Of course, I keep the ( ) to myself. I go up to my bedroom to brush teeth, check myself, etc. Sis comes in, inform me she forgot her toothbrush, asks if I have mouthwash. I do, but I lie and tell her no. I know from past experience that she will take it and drink it to get drubk from the alcohol in it. She gets pissed, never even bother to clean her face to attempts to do something about her breath.
When bro and sis-in-law do show up, sis is somewhat better. Not slurring as much. Still, she jumps up in bro's arms and hugs him, making him carry her like that into kitchen. Her behavior is painful to watch. All through dinner she tries to follow the convo but is about five minutes behind, randomly saying something about a topic we had finished discussing some time ago, that sort of thing.
Thankfully the worst of sis's outburst took place upstairs while munchkin was in the basement playing with cats. Dinner was late and munchkin was already sleeping so he didn;t witness any of this. He's young but I'm scared he will pick up on things and I don't want him to see that.
After dinner, sis slumps in chair, nearly passes out. Thankfully she goes to bed without incident.
Christmas Day
Thankfully, sis is mostly sober Christmas morning and much more normal. Everyone opens up their stockings (yes, we all have stockings, not just the munchkins, haha) and then we open up some of the presents.
I can;t describe, it might be a weird feeling, but I think it's pride I feel when I watch Chaz open up his presents. He's an excitable kid normally, but Christmas opushes over the top, 200%. He is so excited about Santa and the presents that he can;t stop giggling and it's adorable.
Yes, I am way past officially kid-tarded and I think everything (well, not everything) my kids do is cute. But seriously, it was sooooo cute. Luckily you Moms understand :)
Afta-afta we have some breakfast and my bro has to leave to go be with his wife's family. We hang out with my Mom for a few hours (with friends stopping in too) before Mom leave to go be with her man's family for a while. Sis also leaves.
Before she does, I take her aside and tell her she's not welcome in my home again until I see that she's makign efforts to deal with her alcoholism and quit drinking, something I haven;t seen up to this point. This obviously upset her. I really don;t care about her feelings in that moment. Actually I'm relieved.
Cesar comes over Christmas Day-night. Perfect timing since all the visitors have trickled down and we get some alone time together. We exchange gifts and it's funny because of each of our gifts to each other is clothes (which is a very gay-couple thing to do). We go try them on. Cesar looks hotttttt. Visions dance thru my head, and it's not sugar plums.
I have a his and his closet (which is only slightly different than a his and hers) and one side is empty. Cesar sees this and, points toward the empty side, asks if that is his side, smiling. I'm caught up. I tell him soon probably, smiling back.
Christmas nookie ensues. Everything is slower, we take our time. The room is warm, the bed is war, everything is very warm. I enjoy exploring the contours of hi body. I remember noticing that his skin is A LOT softer then most guys I've been with.
I like looking at his eyes in the moment. I've never understood couples that never look at each other. He has a certain twinkle in his eyes I've noticed before.
He seems an open book in daily life and in bed. He is open, and I like this very much.
My frirnds tell me that this partially likely due to his Hispanic culture. (Ceasr is partially Puerto Rican, Cuban and Dominican). The reason why isn;t so much important me to. I just like it.
The Day After Christmas
We sleep in as late as we can (which isn;t late) and Cesar eventually has to leave to go take care of hsi things, plus I have to go into work to chek on some things, take care of some things, etc., etc.
From an earlier blog you'll remember that Cesar's Mom had given me a letter beasically saying she wanted to meet me, etc., etc. [See Cesar update if you don;t know what I'm talking about]
Well, Cesar told me she wanted me and him to come to her house last night so I could meet her, la la la. I was a little nervous but didn;t let on to him. I got the impression it would be small and low key and just maybe some of his family. I was a little nervous because I didn;t know exactly what tyo expect and I like being prepared. So I called my friend Danny and he explained some things and prepared me (thanks Danny).
I ended up bring over some flowers for Cesar's Mom, some wine and some leftover goodies.
It was actually really great meeting his family. It was a little overwhelming because I'm not used to large family (and Cesar's is pushing 30 just with his parents, sib and their families) but I had a great time, and I could see how close Cesar is to them, and they are supportive and happy people. And happy to meet me. And really just happy that their son/brother/uncle is happy.
I have more to write but you probably all stopped reading ages ago, and Chaz is restless.
Hope you all had good Christmases!
-B
So....
(why don't they have underline on this blog thing?)
Christmas Eve
As you know, my sister is likely getting a divorce and the BIL's mom and sis came from jolly old England for Christmas and he wanted to spend time with his fam alone so Drunkella had Christmas with us.
My Mom picked sis up from work and took her home to get her overnight bag and pick up her two fat cats. Apparently there was drama there because she didn;t bother to pack beforehand and took FOREVER getting her stuff together, THEN, after they left to come to my house, she forgot something and they had to turn around.
Whatever, right? Not too, too bad, especially for my sister.
Well, as soon as they got here, they were unloading the cats and getting them set up in the basement and sis says she has got to get changed and runs upstairs to the guest bedroom. Well, she comes down about 10 minutes later and it's obvious she's been drinking (slurring words, stumbling some). So she goes out for a cig and my Mom (heartbroken at the prospect of my sister drunk on Christmas Eve, no less) goes up to the room to see where sis hid the booze. (It was obviously her booze since all my booze is locked away, either behind a key pad or under lock and key).
So, Mom ends up finding 4 pint-size vodka bottles, and two are half empty. Well, about this time sis comes up to the bedroom and is even more drunk (major slurring, barely talking above a wisper [unless she wants to yell and scream], can't keep her head up, beligerent behavior).
Mom and I both are feeling about a million different emotions. My sister has done a lot of things, but drinking on Christmas Eve, that's a first. Plus, I'm worried about my kids being there (no worries, they weren't exposed to any of her behavior). Plus, my brother and sister were coming at that point in about 2 hours and I was afraid that when they say the state sis was in they'd just leave. Also, Mom and I had to finish cooking, which we were behind on. Lastly, I had friends dropping in all night off and on (which is normal) and I was worried they'd see her (which some did and I was *mortified*....)
Mom and I try to talk to sis. She starts her normal bullshit, blaming everything on my mother (who, for the record, is, despite a few faults, a wonderful woman, and doesn;t deserve 95% of sis's bs).
She irrational, screaming at my Mom, I lose my temper. She's being ridiculous, at one point insinuating that her behavior isn't her fault because "drinking is genetic" and "Papaw was an alcoholic." This last bit was designed to upset my mother and isn;t even true. The truth is that my grandpa had two pediods in his life when he drank: once in the late 30s-early 40s when my oldest uncle was a little boy (way before my Mom was born) and once again in the mid 70s after my grandparents got a divorce and Papaw married a horrible woman.
Anyway, sis is ridiculous, begging for the vodka back, swearing she'll just stay up in her room and not come out for dinner.
We end up getting her to come down. She sobers up a bit. Starts hugging us every five minutes and crying (which is very annoying when you're trying to cook). She insists on doing a back flip in the family room to prove she can still do one (she used to be a gymnast).
At one point a friend of mine stops by to exchange presents. Sis hugs him and cries. She doesn't even know him. He doesn;t know her. They've never met. I am mortified. He leaves.
I suggest sis go upstairs, brush teeth (she smells like a brewry/cig factory) and wash face (major racoon eyes). Of course, I keep the ( ) to myself. I go up to my bedroom to brush teeth, check myself, etc. Sis comes in, inform me she forgot her toothbrush, asks if I have mouthwash. I do, but I lie and tell her no. I know from past experience that she will take it and drink it to get drubk from the alcohol in it. She gets pissed, never even bother to clean her face to attempts to do something about her breath.
When bro and sis-in-law do show up, sis is somewhat better. Not slurring as much. Still, she jumps up in bro's arms and hugs him, making him carry her like that into kitchen. Her behavior is painful to watch. All through dinner she tries to follow the convo but is about five minutes behind, randomly saying something about a topic we had finished discussing some time ago, that sort of thing.
Thankfully the worst of sis's outburst took place upstairs while munchkin was in the basement playing with cats. Dinner was late and munchkin was already sleeping so he didn;t witness any of this. He's young but I'm scared he will pick up on things and I don't want him to see that.
After dinner, sis slumps in chair, nearly passes out. Thankfully she goes to bed without incident.
Christmas Day
Thankfully, sis is mostly sober Christmas morning and much more normal. Everyone opens up their stockings (yes, we all have stockings, not just the munchkins, haha) and then we open up some of the presents.
I can;t describe, it might be a weird feeling, but I think it's pride I feel when I watch Chaz open up his presents. He's an excitable kid normally, but Christmas opushes over the top, 200%. He is so excited about Santa and the presents that he can;t stop giggling and it's adorable.
Yes, I am way past officially kid-tarded and I think everything (well, not everything) my kids do is cute. But seriously, it was sooooo cute. Luckily you Moms understand :)
Afta-afta we have some breakfast and my bro has to leave to go be with his wife's family. We hang out with my Mom for a few hours (with friends stopping in too) before Mom leave to go be with her man's family for a while. Sis also leaves.
Before she does, I take her aside and tell her she's not welcome in my home again until I see that she's makign efforts to deal with her alcoholism and quit drinking, something I haven;t seen up to this point. This obviously upset her. I really don;t care about her feelings in that moment. Actually I'm relieved.
Cesar comes over Christmas Day-night. Perfect timing since all the visitors have trickled down and we get some alone time together. We exchange gifts and it's funny because of each of our gifts to each other is clothes (which is a very gay-couple thing to do). We go try them on. Cesar looks hotttttt. Visions dance thru my head, and it's not sugar plums.
I have a his and his closet (which is only slightly different than a his and hers) and one side is empty. Cesar sees this and, points toward the empty side, asks if that is his side, smiling. I'm caught up. I tell him soon probably, smiling back.
Christmas nookie ensues. Everything is slower, we take our time. The room is warm, the bed is war, everything is very warm. I enjoy exploring the contours of hi body. I remember noticing that his skin is A LOT softer then most guys I've been with.
I like looking at his eyes in the moment. I've never understood couples that never look at each other. He has a certain twinkle in his eyes I've noticed before.
He seems an open book in daily life and in bed. He is open, and I like this very much.
My frirnds tell me that this partially likely due to his Hispanic culture. (Ceasr is partially Puerto Rican, Cuban and Dominican). The reason why isn;t so much important me to. I just like it.
The Day After Christmas
We sleep in as late as we can (which isn;t late) and Cesar eventually has to leave to go take care of hsi things, plus I have to go into work to chek on some things, take care of some things, etc., etc.
From an earlier blog you'll remember that Cesar's Mom had given me a letter beasically saying she wanted to meet me, etc., etc. [See Cesar update if you don;t know what I'm talking about]
Well, Cesar told me she wanted me and him to come to her house last night so I could meet her, la la la. I was a little nervous but didn;t let on to him. I got the impression it would be small and low key and just maybe some of his family. I was a little nervous because I didn;t know exactly what tyo expect and I like being prepared. So I called my friend Danny and he explained some things and prepared me (thanks Danny).
I ended up bring over some flowers for Cesar's Mom, some wine and some leftover goodies.
It was actually really great meeting his family. It was a little overwhelming because I'm not used to large family (and Cesar's is pushing 30 just with his parents, sib and their families) but I had a great time, and I could see how close Cesar is to them, and they are supportive and happy people. And happy to meet me. And really just happy that their son/brother/uncle is happy.
I have more to write but you probably all stopped reading ages ago, and Chaz is restless.
Hope you all had good Christmases!
-B
Friday, December 26, 2008
Real fast...
I know this is supposed to be my first theme blog day, but I need to set up some new gadgetry in order to do the blog right, and I haven;t had time to set it up so the first blog I'll hopefully do this weekend and you can all just pretend it's Friday ;)
Oh plus, I have a long blog to write all about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no time to write at the moment, so later. Major happenings tho.
*hugs*
---b
Oh plus, I have a long blog to write all about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no time to write at the moment, so later. Major happenings tho.
*hugs*
---b
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
No one will read this until after Christmas, but anyway....
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*massive amounts of blog love to everyone*
*e-cakes and e-cookies for everyone*
Who wants some nog?
(I actually think egg nog tastes like crap)
OK, until after Christmas,
BBBYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-b
*massive amounts of blog love to everyone*
*e-cakes and e-cookies for everyone*
Who wants some nog?
(I actually think egg nog tastes like crap)
OK, until after Christmas,
BBBYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-b
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Cesar update
aBecause I have a minute and because I seem to be getting into updating my blog lately, I thought I'd write up an update for the blog elves (well Lady with a View and the blog elves, because Lady informed me she's not an elf [but she's stil a blog elf]).
Like I said, Cesar came over last night to make the buckeyes (yum and yum!) and (get ready to vomit or say awwww!, depending on your mood), he brought presents!
First of all, he brought little stockings for munchkins, even the mini-munchkin, which I thought was really cute because it was filled with little hats and a onesy, and Chas' had little toys, and I dunno, it was just really cute....and I promise I'm not trying to get all queer about this, but I totall had a (silent) awwwwww! moment.
Plus, he brought card and some wine from his Mom (who I've yet to meet) and tells me to open it then.
Anyways, not to belabor, but she wrote in the card how she's heard about me and how I was making her son happy. And then I lost my cool and was all (publicly) awwww!. And she wrote that she expected to meet me soon andf maybe around Christmas.
And I have to say, there's a chance that if I wasn't so into him (and I didn;t know he was into me) I might be creeped out by it, but it just came across as sweet. And, I guess somewhat selfishly, it's nice to know that she "likes" me and she doesn't even know me. I mean, it means she cares about her son.
That means something to me. Like, if we do get together longterm, there'll be support there, you know?
Ugghh, I'm feeling way too queer right now.... heheh
But, so we made the buckeyes, and it was just nice.
Drama-free.
Ideal.
He spent the night. And aside from the bedroom (which was NICE -- but I'll spare the details since most of the elves are hetrosexual mommies and I don't know if that's a detail kind of crowd), it was nice to sleep-sleep with someone I have a connection with. AND, he wasn't weird about sleeping on my chest.
I've had such a stitastic year in spots that I'm not accustomed to being this happy -- but I'm not complaining ;)
And he'll be here in an hour so I have to get the munchkins to bed if I can and go shower.
Later
-B
Like I said, Cesar came over last night to make the buckeyes (yum and yum!) and (get ready to vomit or say awwww!, depending on your mood), he brought presents!
First of all, he brought little stockings for munchkins, even the mini-munchkin, which I thought was really cute because it was filled with little hats and a onesy, and Chas' had little toys, and I dunno, it was just really cute....and I promise I'm not trying to get all queer about this, but I totall had a (silent) awwwwww! moment.
Plus, he brought card and some wine from his Mom (who I've yet to meet) and tells me to open it then.
Anyways, not to belabor, but she wrote in the card how she's heard about me and how I was making her son happy. And then I lost my cool and was all (publicly) awwww!. And she wrote that she expected to meet me soon andf maybe around Christmas.
And I have to say, there's a chance that if I wasn't so into him (and I didn;t know he was into me) I might be creeped out by it, but it just came across as sweet. And, I guess somewhat selfishly, it's nice to know that she "likes" me and she doesn't even know me. I mean, it means she cares about her son.
That means something to me. Like, if we do get together longterm, there'll be support there, you know?
Ugghh, I'm feeling way too queer right now.... heheh
But, so we made the buckeyes, and it was just nice.
Drama-free.
Ideal.
He spent the night. And aside from the bedroom (which was NICE -- but I'll spare the details since most of the elves are hetrosexual mommies and I don't know if that's a detail kind of crowd), it was nice to sleep-sleep with someone I have a connection with. AND, he wasn't weird about sleeping on my chest.
I've had such a stitastic year in spots that I'm not accustomed to being this happy -- but I'm not complaining ;)
And he'll be here in an hour so I have to get the munchkins to bed if I can and go shower.
Later
-B
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Merry Chi$tmas!
For whatever reason, this year, more than any other year, I've spent a hell of a lot more money on Christmas presents.... And this is probably because of a combination of reasons:
1. For all my hesitation and trepedation this year (and most years), I love Christmas, and I love buying people presents and watching them open them and seeing them happy.
2. The munchkin and the mini-munchkin have made me go overboard for sure. I can't help it tho, they are my boys and I love them. And Chaz is so excited for Santa and Christmas this year!
3. I have a lot of friends here and I don't want to forget any of them. Ultimately, I don't feel right not getting gifts for my friends, even the ones I'm not uber close to. For each of those type of friemds this year I got a giftcard and am going to make a platter full of edible goodies. You don't even wanna know how much I spent on giftcards, haha.
4. There is, of course, my family, and I feel like, even tho they drive me insane, a lot of them have had a tough year so I'm splurging on them. My fam meaning my Mom, my one brother, my sister, my other brother and his wife.
5. And, last but not least, there's Cesar, who I have a feeling is getting me something major, so I have to match that. Not that I don't ultimately love shopping in situations like these.
Ah well, it's just money, right?
Later tonight Cesar is coming over and we are going to make buckeyes (a peanutbutter mixture, rolled in rice krispies and coated in choclate). I know you all want some :) They're pretty awesome actually, and are my one holiday indulgence, And the poor, deprived Cesar has never had them before! So I must introduce him to buckeyes, haha!
Ah, also, FYI, after Christmas I'm going to write a new kind of blog, one like I'vve never written before. But no hints! The blog elves will have to wait :)
1. For all my hesitation and trepedation this year (and most years), I love Christmas, and I love buying people presents and watching them open them and seeing them happy.
2. The munchkin and the mini-munchkin have made me go overboard for sure. I can't help it tho, they are my boys and I love them. And Chaz is so excited for Santa and Christmas this year!
3. I have a lot of friends here and I don't want to forget any of them. Ultimately, I don't feel right not getting gifts for my friends, even the ones I'm not uber close to. For each of those type of friemds this year I got a giftcard and am going to make a platter full of edible goodies. You don't even wanna know how much I spent on giftcards, haha.
4. There is, of course, my family, and I feel like, even tho they drive me insane, a lot of them have had a tough year so I'm splurging on them. My fam meaning my Mom, my one brother, my sister, my other brother and his wife.
5. And, last but not least, there's Cesar, who I have a feeling is getting me something major, so I have to match that. Not that I don't ultimately love shopping in situations like these.
Ah well, it's just money, right?
Later tonight Cesar is coming over and we are going to make buckeyes (a peanutbutter mixture, rolled in rice krispies and coated in choclate). I know you all want some :) They're pretty awesome actually, and are my one holiday indulgence, And the poor, deprived Cesar has never had them before! So I must introduce him to buckeyes, haha!
Ah, also, FYI, after Christmas I'm going to write a new kind of blog, one like I'vve never written before. But no hints! The blog elves will have to wait :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Still blissed out....
TalkeI've been wanting to write a blog for a while but haven't had time or motivation till now...
Basically, a lot of good things have happened lately and I want to inform the blog elves! :)
First of all, the horrible mutant cold/sinus/phlegm/snot monster I had living inside me for the last forever it seems... is now dead. I killed it. And am feeling better.
Second, the day before yesterday Chaz came home from his Mom's and I finally got a munchkin hug which I was sorely missing. The next day Jensen followed and I got to see his cuteness mini-munchkin giggle. I have my boys home. Life is good.
Third, almost all my Christmas shopping is done, for real this time.
Fourth... Night before last, I was doing better but still feeling mad tired. I knew Cesar was coming over so I took a shower and passed out on the bed. He got here about 8 and end up waking me up and I was all out of it, hair all effed up every which way, looking all cracky (ok probably not that bad, but I remember being all dazed --- had been sleeping worse than normal).
Anyways, we were being snugglebunny cuddlewhores, and Cesar started rubbing my back which turned into a massage (and there was hot chocolate) which turned into a happy ending (really happy) which was promptly reciprocated.
And I was all *blissed out* frim the massage and tension relief and we just laid there talking.
I'm
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
for him. And we've talked. Talked. And I think he's liking me too, well, I know he is.
And I had a dream last night.... Where *gasp* I told him I wanted him for Christmas....haha
Which is like, totally cheesetastic, and I'd never say that in real life.
But, apparently, my dreams are like, an episode of One Tree Hill or something...
(does that make me Lucas?)
But seriously...
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
....
-B
Basically, a lot of good things have happened lately and I want to inform the blog elves! :)
First of all, the horrible mutant cold/sinus/phlegm/snot monster I had living inside me for the last forever it seems... is now dead. I killed it. And am feeling better.
Second, the day before yesterday Chaz came home from his Mom's and I finally got a munchkin hug which I was sorely missing. The next day Jensen followed and I got to see his cuteness mini-munchkin giggle. I have my boys home. Life is good.
Third, almost all my Christmas shopping is done, for real this time.
Fourth... Night before last, I was doing better but still feeling mad tired. I knew Cesar was coming over so I took a shower and passed out on the bed. He got here about 8 and end up waking me up and I was all out of it, hair all effed up every which way, looking all cracky (ok probably not that bad, but I remember being all dazed --- had been sleeping worse than normal).
Anyways, we were being snugglebunny cuddlewhores, and Cesar started rubbing my back which turned into a massage (and there was hot chocolate) which turned into a happy ending (really happy) which was promptly reciprocated.
And I was all *blissed out* frim the massage and tension relief and we just laid there talking.
I'm
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
for him. And we've talked. Talked. And I think he's liking me too, well, I know he is.
And I had a dream last night.... Where *gasp* I told him I wanted him for Christmas....haha
Which is like, totally cheesetastic, and I'd never say that in real life.
But, apparently, my dreams are like, an episode of One Tree Hill or something...
(does that make me Lucas?)
But seriously...
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
....
-B
Monday, December 15, 2008
I'm making cookies for Santa!
I actually have a lot of different things I want to write about for this blog, but my mind keeps going back to Christmas and the 1 million + things I still need to do between now and then.
Of course I still need to do some shopping... The munchkins are mostly done, and the sibs are done, but I need to get something for my Mom, which is always impossible since she'll tell me she doesn't want anything.
Whatevs...
Cesar and I have decided to be each other's person this Christmas. Because I don't know about you guys, but the prospect of not having someone special to buy for at Christmas is break-out-the-peanutbuttercups-depressing. Plus, things are going well between us. We are not far from being to that point anyway, I lelieve.
I need to do some shopping for him and I need to get on that...
This Christmas will probably be a mellow one. I probably won't see my sister (phew!) or my brother (blows!). And my other brother Kyle will probably just make an appearance in his Kyle way. Cesar has a big Christmas Eve thing with family so it looks like he will be around Christmas Day. Jenn and her parents will come over for the munchkins to see them. Random friends will drop by off and on.
I'm going to do a big dinner, that I still have to plan.
Next Monday at the bakery we are having a sort of promotion. For a certain amount purchase at the bakery (still figuring that out) customers will get free cookies for Santa.
That means a lot of stress for me, but I love it at the same time, so I can't complain.
I am stressed. But at the same time, I'm excited. Tonight I put up the kids' stockings. My Mom made ones with their names on them.
I used to think, I know I'm a Dad, but I don't feel very much like a Dad.
I think like that less and less lately. It's a big snotty, poopy, bakey, crazy-alchy sister stressball sometimes, but I am loving my life.
And I want to wish all the blog elves a Merry Christmas! I know a lot of you are struggling right now, but things will get better, however things work out. Be strong!
---Bri
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tagged! - Nicknames blog
Yay, I was tagged! O Mah Gaw!, I'm like, officially a part of the blogger community now!
(that was me being a valley boy for a second)
OK, all my nicknames:
Well, my name is Brian is any of you weren't sure.
Most people call me Bri, although technically it is a nickname
One person in my life once upon a time got away with calling me Bri Bri. No one else has, only her because she was so sweet about it and I liked to hear her say it. But no one else! I hate it.
I've always been a dancer and I used to step (the type of dancing that is popular on historically Black college campuses, not the step-dancing bullshit) I did it on my own with mostly Black guys as it turned out, but not related really to any college. Anyway, I got called names like Whitebread, snowflake, Vanilla Ice, Eminem. I actually like Whitebread. Whatever, I just kind of like it.
I had a friend in elementary school that was dyslexic and whenever he'd write my name he'd write it as Brain. So people started calling me Brain. That sucked.
Pugz, because of my nose. Although it's not like a pug nose, and no one has called me that in forever.
Several names like B and B-rian, and my 8th grade science teacher called me Big B, which I hated.
I used to work at a summer camp for AIDS and HIV-effected kids and a lot of them called me Mr. Brian. I always thought it was cute.
OK, I can't believe I am admitting this one, but no one is reading this, so whatever, right? Right? heheh
Well, in high school I had one of those LL Bean bags with my initials on them. BKW. Well one day this totally douchebag of a guy yells out in the hallway: "Burger King Whopper, those are your initials, Burger King Whopper." I turned around and gave him the I'm-slitting-your-throat-with-my-eyes-right-now looks. He called me that a couple after that whenever he saw me, but I hardly ever saw him.
OK, for funzies, I'll do my kids too.
I have two sons, the older 32 months on the 21st and the younger 4 months on the 19th. They both have two middle names. Older: Charles Lincoln Dominic and the younger Jensen Noah Riley.
Well, from the beginning we called my older son Chas or Chaz. No one calls him Charles. And most of my nicknames for him have to do him being young. Munchkin, Niblet, things like that. We also call him the Chazinator when he's being fussy or grumpy. I also call him Mini Pimpin' sometimes. I should probably stop that altogether because one day he's gonna ask me what it means, haha. But, seriously, he's such a little pimp. Ya, I should stop that. My ex used to call him Monkey.
Jensen we just call Jensen. We figure if when he grows up he hates his name then he has Noah or Riley to use if he wants to. I don;t have many nicknames for him yet. I call him Pooper, haha.
I'm probably forgetting some, but any of you that are still reading and probably bored ;)
(that was me being a valley boy for a second)
OK, all my nicknames:
Well, my name is Brian is any of you weren't sure.
Most people call me Bri, although technically it is a nickname
One person in my life once upon a time got away with calling me Bri Bri. No one else has, only her because she was so sweet about it and I liked to hear her say it. But no one else! I hate it.
I've always been a dancer and I used to step (the type of dancing that is popular on historically Black college campuses, not the step-dancing bullshit) I did it on my own with mostly Black guys as it turned out, but not related really to any college. Anyway, I got called names like Whitebread, snowflake, Vanilla Ice, Eminem. I actually like Whitebread. Whatever, I just kind of like it.
I had a friend in elementary school that was dyslexic and whenever he'd write my name he'd write it as Brain. So people started calling me Brain. That sucked.
Pugz, because of my nose. Although it's not like a pug nose, and no one has called me that in forever.
Several names like B and B-rian, and my 8th grade science teacher called me Big B, which I hated.
I used to work at a summer camp for AIDS and HIV-effected kids and a lot of them called me Mr. Brian. I always thought it was cute.
OK, I can't believe I am admitting this one, but no one is reading this, so whatever, right? Right? heheh
Well, in high school I had one of those LL Bean bags with my initials on them. BKW. Well one day this totally douchebag of a guy yells out in the hallway: "Burger King Whopper, those are your initials, Burger King Whopper." I turned around and gave him the I'm-slitting-your-throat-with-my-eyes-right-now looks. He called me that a couple after that whenever he saw me, but I hardly ever saw him.
OK, for funzies, I'll do my kids too.
I have two sons, the older 32 months on the 21st and the younger 4 months on the 19th. They both have two middle names. Older: Charles Lincoln Dominic and the younger Jensen Noah Riley.
Well, from the beginning we called my older son Chas or Chaz. No one calls him Charles. And most of my nicknames for him have to do him being young. Munchkin, Niblet, things like that. We also call him the Chazinator when he's being fussy or grumpy. I also call him Mini Pimpin' sometimes. I should probably stop that altogether because one day he's gonna ask me what it means, haha. But, seriously, he's such a little pimp. Ya, I should stop that. My ex used to call him Monkey.
Jensen we just call Jensen. We figure if when he grows up he hates his name then he has Noah or Riley to use if he wants to. I don;t have many nicknames for him yet. I call him Pooper, haha.
I'm probably forgetting some, but any of you that are still reading and probably bored ;)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The blog I've been avoiding til now....
OK blog elves, I am officially requesting feedback again, so if you're reading this I'd appreciate it if you stick with it and comment when you're done.
This is the blog I've been avoiding writing, because I've been in denial about its subject matter. But recent events have jolted me out of my happy denial.
Christmas...is going to suck this year. And not because of anything I've done, or anything that has happened to me or the kids, etc., etc.
It's because of my sister...
My friends and long time readers will know that I'm not close to my sister. She makes things very...difficult.
She's an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She's 36 and has probably been a full blown alcoholic for about the last 8 years, and had a drinking problem since she was 18. But she's one of those extra-fun alcoholics whose in total denial. Even after several DUIs which resulted in long periods of her losing her liscense, and being so desperate for a drink that she's drank mouthwash, cooking wine and hand sanitizer, she still refuses to admit she's dependant, addicted.
She likes to say that she's in a dark place. Yes, the dark place of...alcoholism.....hatefulness, bitterness, alienation by design.
But this month she's found out that she's likely going to be getting a divorce.
She has been married about five years...to my brother ibn law who I've never really liked or been close to because he's always seemed shady to me...and he's a big pussy too, but I digress.
Amyway....
She's been scared into temporary sobriety because she says she says she wants to fight for her marriage.
I want to be supportive, but knowing all of the history, and being witness to it, I can't help thinking she deserves to get a divorce. After all the horrible shit she's done to me, and people I love, the way she's skated thru life consequance-free with slaps on the wrist, the way my mother always bails her out and takes nothing but abuse for it, I'm just a little happy she's finally gonna have to pay the piper.
And that also makes me feel crappy.
So I try to be supportive. I called her last night and told her I knew what she was dealing with sucked, but whatever the outcome, it was good that she wasn't drinking, and I wanted her to keep not drinking because then she'd be healtier.
I worry about her because she looks horrible. She's not healthy and she's stick-thin. She's in her mid 30s and looks like she is in her mid to late 40s.
I want to be supportive because I love her.
I have kids tho and the business and a social life. I have a life. And spending too much time around my sister, she becomes like a cancer.
What do I do????
How can I make this Christmas not suck, aside from totally avoiding her? (which, by the way, is an impossibility in my family since my mother won't allow that)
Do any of you have experience or insight?
I want to have a good Christmas. I want it drama-free, but I know my sister will make it drama central.
I want to be with the people I love and have a Christmas to remember for good reasons.
Lil' help here??
This is the blog I've been avoiding writing, because I've been in denial about its subject matter. But recent events have jolted me out of my happy denial.
Christmas...is going to suck this year. And not because of anything I've done, or anything that has happened to me or the kids, etc., etc.
It's because of my sister...
My friends and long time readers will know that I'm not close to my sister. She makes things very...difficult.
She's an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She's 36 and has probably been a full blown alcoholic for about the last 8 years, and had a drinking problem since she was 18. But she's one of those extra-fun alcoholics whose in total denial. Even after several DUIs which resulted in long periods of her losing her liscense, and being so desperate for a drink that she's drank mouthwash, cooking wine and hand sanitizer, she still refuses to admit she's dependant, addicted.
She likes to say that she's in a dark place. Yes, the dark place of...alcoholism.....hatefulness, bitterness, alienation by design.
But this month she's found out that she's likely going to be getting a divorce.
She has been married about five years...to my brother ibn law who I've never really liked or been close to because he's always seemed shady to me...and he's a big pussy too, but I digress.
Amyway....
She's been scared into temporary sobriety because she says she says she wants to fight for her marriage.
I want to be supportive, but knowing all of the history, and being witness to it, I can't help thinking she deserves to get a divorce. After all the horrible shit she's done to me, and people I love, the way she's skated thru life consequance-free with slaps on the wrist, the way my mother always bails her out and takes nothing but abuse for it, I'm just a little happy she's finally gonna have to pay the piper.
And that also makes me feel crappy.
So I try to be supportive. I called her last night and told her I knew what she was dealing with sucked, but whatever the outcome, it was good that she wasn't drinking, and I wanted her to keep not drinking because then she'd be healtier.
I worry about her because she looks horrible. She's not healthy and she's stick-thin. She's in her mid 30s and looks like she is in her mid to late 40s.
I want to be supportive because I love her.
I have kids tho and the business and a social life. I have a life. And spending too much time around my sister, she becomes like a cancer.
What do I do????
How can I make this Christmas not suck, aside from totally avoiding her? (which, by the way, is an impossibility in my family since my mother won't allow that)
Do any of you have experience or insight?
I want to have a good Christmas. I want it drama-free, but I know my sister will make it drama central.
I want to be with the people I love and have a Christmas to remember for good reasons.
Lil' help here??
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
NO!
As you get older you realize that words like can't or no are ones that are effectively relegated to children.
"No, you can't stay up because Daddy says so."
"No, you can't have a cookie now, wait til after dinner."
Sure, adults have limitations on a case by case basis. Adults have things they can't do, aren't able to do. But for the most part, if you're of age and self-sufficient then you can do what you want. You can do anything.
Well, maybe not anything...
But, regardless, this has been my sort of motto for a long time. I can do or have anything that I want, as long as I want it enough and am willing to work for it.
Yes, I know there are exceptions...but fuck the exceptions.
Long before there was a Chaz or a Jensen (my kids), when I told my family and friends I wanted, and was going to have kids, so many of them said, "YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS, YOU'RE GAY!"
(or something to that extent)
But I did it, and now, even tho sometimes being a largely single dad (their Mom is in the picture on a limited basis) blows antelopes, I freakin' love it at the same time. It sounds cliche, but it's true what they say, after a while, you can't imagine your life without your kids.
And when I said I was going to start a business, some friends/family doubted my abilities, but I did it. Now I have a successful business AND two adorable munchkins.
I approach relationships with the same additude.
Although I haven't been as successful in that area (my last two boyfriends, including the last who I went as far as marrying, cheated on me), I still have the additude that I can have a long term monogamous, healthy relationship if I want it badly enough and am willing to work and be smart about it.
This is what I want, and I WILL have it, eventually.
The few longterm blog readers I have will remember Cesar, who my friend Janelle set me up with, who easily sailed past Russian Pizza Guy and Krayzee Phone-Stealing Drew.
OK, in retrospect, maybe they weren't much competition for him. But you guys know that at one point, Drew was.
But as I've been spending more time with Cesar, he's been making me remember what I want for myself. He's been making me forget about Mike and all the hurt, making it easier to let it go.
I've just been thinking about all this the last few days and wanted to write it down.
We've been talking a lot....
We shall see what happens...
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Overzealous and understimulated....
I've been cleaning all weekend...
I've been cleaning out the drawers in my old room...the room I last used in high school...the room that is perpetually stuck in the late 90s.
I did find a lot of things, some funny, some HIGHlarious, some nostalgic....and I thought I'd blog about it for the blog elves.
Among the things I found were:
-old tapes (vanilla ice, mc hammer, paula abdul, gloria estefan, the lion king soundtrack, why I hadthat I don't know)
-a big plastic bag filled with hemp and beads from my help bracelet and necklace-wearing phaze
-a funny sign I had forgotten my brother got me with a dancing rooster on it and GAY COCK written in bubble letters
-a huge amount of CDs from my techno/raver phaze
-various toys (Madlibs, Mad Balls, a Rubix Cube)
-the issue of Out Magazine about Matthew Shepherd
-a walkie talkie-shaped toy with buttons that when pressed spit out Mr. T saying (like Shaddep Fool! which I couldn;t stop pressing and laughing until Chaz took it from me and called me Silly Daddy)
-letters from people I can no longer rember who the fuck they are or why I have the letters in the first place (sorry random people!)
-a badass collection of Pound Puppies that Chaz promptly stole
-majorly skunked weed and a tiny bottle of vodka that I think was my friend Kim's, trashed that quickly
-a majorly embarassing collection of XY magazines from when I was just a gayby that I promptly pitched after thumbing thru and laughing
-an old book of poems I wrote a million years ago
-old notes to bfs in high school
-a majorly funny old note me and my hs bf cam wrote together solidifying our undying love for eachother, haha. we're not together now, but still good friends (I still love you, cam!)
-embarassing whatnots from my obsession with Dawson's Creek
-a million random phone numbers with names of guys I can't place
-a book about Louie Armstrong, who I used to obsessed with for some odd reason
-lots of small bottles of lube
needless to say I had great fun looking thru my old shit before tossing a lot of it, and remembering what a slut I was, haha
Merry 18 days till Christmas!
Now I'm going to go have some real fun, yay!
I've been cleaning out the drawers in my old room...the room I last used in high school...the room that is perpetually stuck in the late 90s.
I did find a lot of things, some funny, some HIGHlarious, some nostalgic....and I thought I'd blog about it for the blog elves.
Among the things I found were:
-old tapes (vanilla ice, mc hammer, paula abdul, gloria estefan, the lion king soundtrack, why I hadthat I don't know)
-a big plastic bag filled with hemp and beads from my help bracelet and necklace-wearing phaze
-a funny sign I had forgotten my brother got me with a dancing rooster on it and GAY COCK written in bubble letters
-a huge amount of CDs from my techno/raver phaze
-various toys (Madlibs, Mad Balls, a Rubix Cube)
-the issue of Out Magazine about Matthew Shepherd
-a walkie talkie-shaped toy with buttons that when pressed spit out Mr. T saying (like Shaddep Fool! which I couldn;t stop pressing and laughing until Chaz took it from me and called me Silly Daddy)
-letters from people I can no longer rember who the fuck they are or why I have the letters in the first place (sorry random people!)
-a badass collection of Pound Puppies that Chaz promptly stole
-majorly skunked weed and a tiny bottle of vodka that I think was my friend Kim's, trashed that quickly
-a majorly embarassing collection of XY magazines from when I was just a gayby that I promptly pitched after thumbing thru and laughing
-an old book of poems I wrote a million years ago
-old notes to bfs in high school
-a majorly funny old note me and my hs bf cam wrote together solidifying our undying love for eachother, haha. we're not together now, but still good friends (I still love you, cam!)
-embarassing whatnots from my obsession with Dawson's Creek
-a million random phone numbers with names of guys I can't place
-a book about Louie Armstrong, who I used to obsessed with for some odd reason
-lots of small bottles of lube
needless to say I had great fun looking thru my old shit before tossing a lot of it, and remembering what a slut I was, haha
Merry 18 days till Christmas!
Now I'm going to go have some real fun, yay!
Friday, December 5, 2008
What a difference a few weeks makes...
First of all, before I forget, I want to thank you all for the feedback you gave me on the blog I wrote before last. I'm feeling so much better about the whole situation, mostly due to my friends here in Philly and to all you loverly blog elves. So, Thank You! If I could, I wouldsend a cake to each and every one of you! What are your favorites? ;)
About Thanksgiving... It was surprisingly anti-climactic and welcomingly drama-free. It turned out that I got to see everyone that I wanted to see, and, wait for it....no one overstayed their welcome! My brother called late thenight before and surprised me with the news that he WOULD be coming with the sister-in-law, yay! And my other brother, I saw him TG night. My sister, she didn;t stay long.
Copious amount food were consumed, turkey comas were has by all, I actually had fun. I forget that sometimes it's possible for my whole family (minus sperm donor) to be together and actually have fun.
And you know what? Knock on wood, I think I'm getting over Mike, to a big extent anyway.
Really, time has passed and a few things have happened that have made it easier and put thing into perspective.
I'm opening up more to the idea of me and Cesar. We've been sending more time together. I don;t want to go on about shit and jinx it, but...
I like the way he makes me feel. I like laying on the sofa with him, just watching tv with my arm around him. I don't know what it's going to amount to, but I'm open, I'm happy...and I think I'm healed.
Even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sung in Spanish, piped in at the Mexican restaurant the other night didn;t get on my nerves... ;)
About Thanksgiving... It was surprisingly anti-climactic and welcomingly drama-free. It turned out that I got to see everyone that I wanted to see, and, wait for it....no one overstayed their welcome! My brother called late thenight before and surprised me with the news that he WOULD be coming with the sister-in-law, yay! And my other brother, I saw him TG night. My sister, she didn;t stay long.
Copious amount food were consumed, turkey comas were has by all, I actually had fun. I forget that sometimes it's possible for my whole family (minus sperm donor) to be together and actually have fun.
And you know what? Knock on wood, I think I'm getting over Mike, to a big extent anyway.
Really, time has passed and a few things have happened that have made it easier and put thing into perspective.
I'm opening up more to the idea of me and Cesar. We've been sending more time together. I don;t want to go on about shit and jinx it, but...
I like the way he makes me feel. I like laying on the sofa with him, just watching tv with my arm around him. I don't know what it's going to amount to, but I'm open, I'm happy...and I think I'm healed.
Even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sung in Spanish, piped in at the Mexican restaurant the other night didn;t get on my nerves... ;)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Come try my World Famous Hot Weiner!
My brother called today...
He works for Radio Shack.
He was visiting a store in pimplesquat podunk Pennsylvania (the kind devoid of chain restaurants, full of the family style establishments that make me uneasy). He said there were signs everywhere inviting people to try this town's World Famous Hot Weiners!
He said next time he goes there he's going to convince the manger of the store that they need to try the weiners.
Said he thought I'd think that it was funny
I did! I heart my brother for bringing the funny!
----
So I thought I'd say HEY HEY to the five ir 12 people that read my blog before the craziness of Thanksgiving totally overtakes me. Not that it already hasn't....
We've been so BUSY! Which is good for business (yay!) but bad for my sanity (heehee!!) If it weren't for the wonders of Visine I'd be rocking the straight up crackhead look without all the fun-fun drugs. Sleep is a distant, happy memory. Between work and the munchkins I have very little time for any 40 winks. I need to book some serious pillow time this weekend.
Oh, and to stave off insomnia-induced delerium further, I am declaring the bakery a Christmas music-free zone! That's right, folks! No magical sleigh rides or Santa coming down the chimney, not at work anyway.
I've always hated Christmas music. When doing frantic, ill-advised last minute mall shopping, Christmas music makes me want to gauge my eyes with a corkscrew. Yuletide cheer is musical form can suck my world famous hot weiner.
Seriously, I think some of my employees think I've gone to the fruitloops. I'm prone to spontaneous fits of dancing to wake myself up and get me in a good mood. Good thing I'm a good dancer ;)
Mmmm...I'm rambling...
Thanksgiving...
It's gonna be smallish.
My sister is coming... Eh. Neither of my brothers are coming. Sucks. Mom's coming with her man. I'll have different friends stopping by throughout the day.
Most of the cooking is already done. The house smells awesome. If I could some how bottle it and spray it all over my blog so you could all smell it I would. Imagine as best as you can...
I may have new guy news for the next blog... I am choosing to remain mum for now, but we shall see :)
HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
He works for Radio Shack.
He was visiting a store in pimplesquat podunk Pennsylvania (the kind devoid of chain restaurants, full of the family style establishments that make me uneasy). He said there were signs everywhere inviting people to try this town's World Famous Hot Weiners!
He said next time he goes there he's going to convince the manger of the store that they need to try the weiners.
Said he thought I'd think that it was funny
I did! I heart my brother for bringing the funny!
----
So I thought I'd say HEY HEY to the five ir 12 people that read my blog before the craziness of Thanksgiving totally overtakes me. Not that it already hasn't....
We've been so BUSY! Which is good for business (yay!) but bad for my sanity (heehee!!) If it weren't for the wonders of Visine I'd be rocking the straight up crackhead look without all the fun-fun drugs. Sleep is a distant, happy memory. Between work and the munchkins I have very little time for any 40 winks. I need to book some serious pillow time this weekend.
Oh, and to stave off insomnia-induced delerium further, I am declaring the bakery a Christmas music-free zone! That's right, folks! No magical sleigh rides or Santa coming down the chimney, not at work anyway.
I've always hated Christmas music. When doing frantic, ill-advised last minute mall shopping, Christmas music makes me want to gauge my eyes with a corkscrew. Yuletide cheer is musical form can suck my world famous hot weiner.
Seriously, I think some of my employees think I've gone to the fruitloops. I'm prone to spontaneous fits of dancing to wake myself up and get me in a good mood. Good thing I'm a good dancer ;)
Mmmm...I'm rambling...
Thanksgiving...
It's gonna be smallish.
My sister is coming... Eh. Neither of my brothers are coming. Sucks. Mom's coming with her man. I'll have different friends stopping by throughout the day.
Most of the cooking is already done. The house smells awesome. If I could some how bottle it and spray it all over my blog so you could all smell it I would. Imagine as best as you can...
I may have new guy news for the next blog... I am choosing to remain mum for now, but we shall see :)
HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Letting it Out
I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I've been fighting it, because part of me doesn't want to even partially legitimize what's been going on by writing about it.
I'm feeling really low and discouraged and I despise feeling this way. I guess I'm just on edge and really emotional lately, and I'm not one to cry or explode or anything. I never let things out and it all becomes this seething, boiling red hot anger. My other emotions are just shut off, they have to be.
Last week something happened at work, and it was first time I've ever experienced anything like it. I never thought it would happen, I thought in this day and in my area of the country, in my town, we were past it. Evidently I was wrong
A man walked into the bakery and just went off. He just started yelling something like: "I don't want eat at this FAG RESTAURANT (he screamed it). You know, you could get AIDS! You shouldn;t be EATING HERE! Get OUT of here! You Don't want AIDS!
At first I froze. I felt like I was watching an over zealous portrayal on a tolerance-in-the-workplace video. Then I felt my face flush and I was furious. I wanted to kill this guy. I wanted him to stop yelling. I didnn't want to be seeing him. I didn;t want this to be happening.
Luckily there was police officer picking up lunch at the counter when the guy came in. He dealt with him. It's not even worth elaborating on.
Except that after I felt embarassed and violated and mortified and sad.
Why would someone feel compelled to do that? What's the point?
I live in the Philadelphia metro area, not Armpit Stank, Idaho or Mooseburger, Alaska.
The truth is, I've felt like shit about it for days, since it happened.
You have to understand, I don't live my life closeted. I don;t understand being in the closet. I burned mine down a long time ago. People know I am gay. Most of my exployees knew I was gay before the incident. The day it happened, one of my kids quit. No real explanation, just he couldn;t work for me anymore.
Maybe he thought he'd get AIDS. (Not that this needs to be said but I am 100% HIV negative. And that's so beside the point anyway).
Nothing else has happened at work.
But something else happened today....
I actually called my Dad because his birthday is coming up and I thought I'd be a "good son" and call him. People who know me know I don;t see or talk to my Dad very often. Partially because he lives across the country, and partially because he doesn;t approve of my life choices. Translation: he doesn't like where I stick my dick. He's a bigot and a homophobe.
But I was gonna get the birthday thing over with.
Well, somehow he get on the topic of Prop 8 and gays and lesbians right to marry.
Now, my Dad don;t talk about me being gay...but he knows I am. And he's met all of the past important men in my life.
Well he starts saying that he would probably voye for gays to have civil unions, but he doesn;t believe gays should be able to marry because "that's not what the Bible says and that is not the way laws are written. Plus, what if gays just start marrying so they can get benifits??"
My Dad is a colossal douchebag
I ask him if he really believes that I shouldn;t be able to get married and have the same rights as straight couples...
He starts talking about how it's not fair or right for people to ask for special rights. He says what's next? Are fat people gonna ask for special rights? Or people with red hair?
I tell him it's not the same thing.
I tell him that civil unions are the equivalent of separate but equeal. And every resonable, educated person knows that separate but equal was always separate but never equal.
He gets flustered. Starts his normal line of bullshit about how Obama is gonna get into office and "change everything around with his liberal friends" He says Obama wants to change the Constitution! Imagine that!
We argue. He makes a derogatory comment about gay relationships not being real, not being legitimate. he makes a joke, basically calling my ex a faggot and me a fudge packer.
I call him a bigoted crusty old fuck and hang up on him.
I am instantly and harshly reminded why I never talk to him.
And here I sit, trying my best let it roll off my back. Trying to fake-it-till-you-make-it smile with my kids.
But I'm hurt. And writing about it in a blog is better than punching a hole in the hole or plotting Shakespearean-worthy senarios or patricide.
I know some people actually do read this blog. And I am officially asking for feedback. Even if you just tell me to get over myself. Because maybe I need to. I don't know. Something needs to change tho.
I'm feeling really low and discouraged and I despise feeling this way. I guess I'm just on edge and really emotional lately, and I'm not one to cry or explode or anything. I never let things out and it all becomes this seething, boiling red hot anger. My other emotions are just shut off, they have to be.
Last week something happened at work, and it was first time I've ever experienced anything like it. I never thought it would happen, I thought in this day and in my area of the country, in my town, we were past it. Evidently I was wrong
A man walked into the bakery and just went off. He just started yelling something like: "I don't want eat at this FAG RESTAURANT (he screamed it). You know, you could get AIDS! You shouldn;t be EATING HERE! Get OUT of here! You Don't want AIDS!
At first I froze. I felt like I was watching an over zealous portrayal on a tolerance-in-the-workplace video. Then I felt my face flush and I was furious. I wanted to kill this guy. I wanted him to stop yelling. I didnn't want to be seeing him. I didn;t want this to be happening.
Luckily there was police officer picking up lunch at the counter when the guy came in. He dealt with him. It's not even worth elaborating on.
Except that after I felt embarassed and violated and mortified and sad.
Why would someone feel compelled to do that? What's the point?
I live in the Philadelphia metro area, not Armpit Stank, Idaho or Mooseburger, Alaska.
The truth is, I've felt like shit about it for days, since it happened.
You have to understand, I don't live my life closeted. I don;t understand being in the closet. I burned mine down a long time ago. People know I am gay. Most of my exployees knew I was gay before the incident. The day it happened, one of my kids quit. No real explanation, just he couldn;t work for me anymore.
Maybe he thought he'd get AIDS. (Not that this needs to be said but I am 100% HIV negative. And that's so beside the point anyway).
Nothing else has happened at work.
But something else happened today....
I actually called my Dad because his birthday is coming up and I thought I'd be a "good son" and call him. People who know me know I don;t see or talk to my Dad very often. Partially because he lives across the country, and partially because he doesn;t approve of my life choices. Translation: he doesn't like where I stick my dick. He's a bigot and a homophobe.
But I was gonna get the birthday thing over with.
Well, somehow he get on the topic of Prop 8 and gays and lesbians right to marry.
Now, my Dad don;t talk about me being gay...but he knows I am. And he's met all of the past important men in my life.
Well he starts saying that he would probably voye for gays to have civil unions, but he doesn;t believe gays should be able to marry because "that's not what the Bible says and that is not the way laws are written. Plus, what if gays just start marrying so they can get benifits??"
My Dad is a colossal douchebag
I ask him if he really believes that I shouldn;t be able to get married and have the same rights as straight couples...
He starts talking about how it's not fair or right for people to ask for special rights. He says what's next? Are fat people gonna ask for special rights? Or people with red hair?
I tell him it's not the same thing.
I tell him that civil unions are the equivalent of separate but equeal. And every resonable, educated person knows that separate but equal was always separate but never equal.
He gets flustered. Starts his normal line of bullshit about how Obama is gonna get into office and "change everything around with his liberal friends" He says Obama wants to change the Constitution! Imagine that!
We argue. He makes a derogatory comment about gay relationships not being real, not being legitimate. he makes a joke, basically calling my ex a faggot and me a fudge packer.
I call him a bigoted crusty old fuck and hang up on him.
I am instantly and harshly reminded why I never talk to him.
And here I sit, trying my best let it roll off my back. Trying to fake-it-till-you-make-it smile with my kids.
But I'm hurt. And writing about it in a blog is better than punching a hole in the hole or plotting Shakespearean-worthy senarios or patricide.
I know some people actually do read this blog. And I am officially asking for feedback. Even if you just tell me to get over myself. Because maybe I need to. I don't know. Something needs to change tho.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Baracking the Presidency: Hopeful & Discouraged
Something that I did not tell many people was that, in the last few weeks leading up to the election, and especially the day of the election, I was filled with an encompassing sense of dread. I was sure that Obama would have the Presidency wrenched from him in some devious way, or we'd see some repeat of 2000 or 2004.
I was scared, and I was sick...and my stomach was talking to me all day.
When Obama won Pennsylvania and then Ohio, I forgot my worries. To me, this process was like football is for heterosexuals. I was screaming at the TV, opunching my fists. And when he was declared President-elect, so relatively quickly and decisively, I was elated.
I felt that our country, one that I love, was finally hading in the right direction. After eight years of darkness, I could see the light. I'm sure a lot of people felt that way.
I listened to McCain's concession speech, breathing a sight of relief. I listened to Obama's speech, and realized something. For the first time in my adult life (with the exception of Hillary Clinton's campaign) I felt....hope, excitement, like maybe finally someone would be in the White House who cared about me and my friends and the people I love. Like maybe Obama will unite us, take steps to stregnthen the economy, maybe even become an ally to gay people.
I went to bed happy, and slept well.
Then I woke up. And during Wednesday I heard that Prop * had passed in California...
I was crestfallen. It was an outcome that represents rampant fear, ignorance and antiquated value judgements. More proof that homophobia and discrimination against homosexuals really is the last form of socially aceptable prejudice.
I'm deeply sorry for anyone in California that Prop 8 will effect. It is a social injustice that we should not stand for. I am profoundly sad and discouraged,
When will things change? How long do we have to wait for what should be ours without asking?
?
?
?
I was scared, and I was sick...and my stomach was talking to me all day.
When Obama won Pennsylvania and then Ohio, I forgot my worries. To me, this process was like football is for heterosexuals. I was screaming at the TV, opunching my fists. And when he was declared President-elect, so relatively quickly and decisively, I was elated.
I felt that our country, one that I love, was finally hading in the right direction. After eight years of darkness, I could see the light. I'm sure a lot of people felt that way.
I listened to McCain's concession speech, breathing a sight of relief. I listened to Obama's speech, and realized something. For the first time in my adult life (with the exception of Hillary Clinton's campaign) I felt....hope, excitement, like maybe finally someone would be in the White House who cared about me and my friends and the people I love. Like maybe Obama will unite us, take steps to stregnthen the economy, maybe even become an ally to gay people.
I went to bed happy, and slept well.
Then I woke up. And during Wednesday I heard that Prop * had passed in California...
I was crestfallen. It was an outcome that represents rampant fear, ignorance and antiquated value judgements. More proof that homophobia and discrimination against homosexuals really is the last form of socially aceptable prejudice.
I'm deeply sorry for anyone in California that Prop 8 will effect. It is a social injustice that we should not stand for. I am profoundly sad and discouraged,
When will things change? How long do we have to wait for what should be ours without asking?
?
?
?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Baracking the Vote!
Real fast!
I voted today! It was insane, almost 2 hours in line.
And when I was in line I heard people talking about Sigourney Weaver. Turns out she was at my polling place! Championing Obama. I was going to go shake her hand, but she left before I got out of line. Really tall tho, and dresed well., I saw her from my place in line. I don't know why she was there especially, but some people were saying she lives in Pennsylvania. That I don't know.
Anyways tho, you should all vote. Don't be a douchebag and not vote! No excuses bitches, go vote!
Barack the vote, people! (even tho I voted for Hillary in the primaries, I'm optimistic about Obama)
*crosses fingers and waits*
I love you all.
---me
I voted today! It was insane, almost 2 hours in line.
And when I was in line I heard people talking about Sigourney Weaver. Turns out she was at my polling place! Championing Obama. I was going to go shake her hand, but she left before I got out of line. Really tall tho, and dresed well., I saw her from my place in line. I don't know why she was there especially, but some people were saying she lives in Pennsylvania. That I don't know.
Anyways tho, you should all vote. Don't be a douchebag and not vote! No excuses bitches, go vote!
Barack the vote, people! (even tho I voted for Hillary in the primaries, I'm optimistic about Obama)
*crosses fingers and waits*
I love you all.
---me
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Surprise! --- I Can't Keep My Dick In My Pants!
I'm not actively looking for a guy, I'm not even passively looking for a guy, but I'm not perfect, I'm not a saint, and celibacy's a joke I wouldn't even try.
Surprise, surprise, I need sex. And I need adult interaction from people who don't work for me. I need the sanity that comes with meaningful conversation. But I have no time and no desire to expend any effort looking for it...
Yesterday I had to make myself go to the local wholesale place to stock up on supplies for the bakery and Halloween candy, etc. I honestly hate those types of places because everything is so time-consuming. And everything is huge, all the products, the people shopping, the lines are checkout. Everything is HUGE, and drawn out
Thank Beelzebub that I was able to convince Cesar to go with we, because he not only made it tolerable, but fun, if that's tolerable. Boy's got a sweet tooth something fierce. Like tranny Tyra fierce, Christian Siriano fierce, really fierce... Anyway...
I guess it makes sense since I have the bakery, but it still made me laugh. He's throwing packs of candy bars in the cart right and left it seemed. Like he'd never been to a place that this, and he was never going back. It just made me laugh, and it was nice to be with someone, having fun, no pressure...especially after Psycho Drew.
Oh, and I found some Lincon Logs at the place! Does anyone remember them??? I used to play with them when I was a wee mini munchkin. (OMG, am I old?) Whatever, I had to get some for Chaz. And then I can tell him how Daddy played with same toys when he was a kid. :)
Oh, and he's gonna be a baseball player for Halloween, which is tomorrow! You can thank the World Series for that one. But you know, when I was a kid I also went as a baseball player one year, so it's perfect :)
Oh, back to Cesar... Last night we went to see The Secret Life of Bees. God movie with Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys....
He's funny too, he's always speaking Spanish, and thinks it's funny that I don;t know what he's saying. Not in an annoying way, in an adorable way, in an easy way, in a I like spending time with you way. He says I need a little Latino flavor in my life, and maybe he's right.
I like my independence, I like that I have the freedom to do what I want. And I'm not giving that up. And I'm not compromising my children's situations. This is covered territory. But I do want someone to walk beside me. Eventually...
He seems to be intuitive...
During the movie he leaned his head over on my shoulder, well kind of with our heads touching.
Tomorrow is Halloween! I'm closing early so me and the Baby Mama can tkae the Chazinator trick or treating,
As is the usual lately, I am tired but happy.
Oh, and on a totally unrelated random note, I found out today that an ancestor of mine wrote a book. Fragments, by Ada Cora Shattinger. Published in 1940. I think it might be poetry because it's only 36 pages. I'm going to try to get a hold of a copy, but all that I've been able to find are library copies, mostly in California. I'm determined to get my hands on it tho. I'm curious :)
Maybe happy little blog elves will make it magically appear. :) Maybe...
Surprise, surprise, I need sex. And I need adult interaction from people who don't work for me. I need the sanity that comes with meaningful conversation. But I have no time and no desire to expend any effort looking for it...
Yesterday I had to make myself go to the local wholesale place to stock up on supplies for the bakery and Halloween candy, etc. I honestly hate those types of places because everything is so time-consuming. And everything is huge, all the products, the people shopping, the lines are checkout. Everything is HUGE, and drawn out
Thank Beelzebub that I was able to convince Cesar to go with we, because he not only made it tolerable, but fun, if that's tolerable. Boy's got a sweet tooth something fierce. Like tranny Tyra fierce, Christian Siriano fierce, really fierce... Anyway...
I guess it makes sense since I have the bakery, but it still made me laugh. He's throwing packs of candy bars in the cart right and left it seemed. Like he'd never been to a place that this, and he was never going back. It just made me laugh, and it was nice to be with someone, having fun, no pressure...especially after Psycho Drew.
Oh, and I found some Lincon Logs at the place! Does anyone remember them??? I used to play with them when I was a wee mini munchkin. (OMG, am I old?) Whatever, I had to get some for Chaz. And then I can tell him how Daddy played with same toys when he was a kid. :)
Oh, and he's gonna be a baseball player for Halloween, which is tomorrow! You can thank the World Series for that one. But you know, when I was a kid I also went as a baseball player one year, so it's perfect :)
Oh, back to Cesar... Last night we went to see The Secret Life of Bees. God movie with Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys....
He's funny too, he's always speaking Spanish, and thinks it's funny that I don;t know what he's saying. Not in an annoying way, in an adorable way, in an easy way, in a I like spending time with you way. He says I need a little Latino flavor in my life, and maybe he's right.
I like my independence, I like that I have the freedom to do what I want. And I'm not giving that up. And I'm not compromising my children's situations. This is covered territory. But I do want someone to walk beside me. Eventually...
He seems to be intuitive...
During the movie he leaned his head over on my shoulder, well kind of with our heads touching.
Tomorrow is Halloween! I'm closing early so me and the Baby Mama can tkae the Chazinator trick or treating,
As is the usual lately, I am tired but happy.
Oh, and on a totally unrelated random note, I found out today that an ancestor of mine wrote a book. Fragments, by Ada Cora Shattinger. Published in 1940. I think it might be poetry because it's only 36 pages. I'm going to try to get a hold of a copy, but all that I've been able to find are library copies, mostly in California. I'm determined to get my hands on it tho. I'm curious :)
Maybe happy little blog elves will make it magically appear. :) Maybe...
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Healing Power of my Children.... and Dance
Basically, forst of all, I want to thank everyone who has been posting on my blogs, both publicly and privately. I mostly write these blogs for myself as a way to get my thoughts out, but it's nice to have feedback as well. So I thank you.
No worries tho, I'm fine.
Yes, I will miss Mike. You can't be with someone for as long as we were, GET MARRIED, and just bounce back lickety split when shit goes to pot. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It's not a possibility, since he's not capable of the level of commitment that I am.
But I'm constantly reminded that I'm now in an awesome position: I'm a father. And every day my kids remind me of the beauty that can be found in the simplest of things. Chaz and Jensen are amazing. Just to hear Chaz laugh or giggle, or for him to tell me what he wants for breakfast in the morning. It's so adorable and makes me so happy, and I feel priviliged to have these two perfect little people in my life each day.
When I am sad or upset, I can easily remember how much I love my boys, and I know that one day I will find the right guy. Kids make you realize that you can in fact do things that you never thought you could.
Whenever the day comes that I do find that guy, I know I'm already ready. What could prepare me better than having kids? They're living, breathing perspective. And their lessons are not lost on me, Although I will undoubtedly have bad days, I cannot linger in the mindset of those days, because, with grace and innocence, my children won't let me.
---
And since I've decided to take a step back away from guys for the time being, I've had even more time for exercise, especially dance. While it seems that I almost always go to bed tired lately (what's new?), somehow I have more energy because dancing always makes me happy. It's something I've done off and on since I was a teenager, even taking some classes, but now I just doing it for exercise and fun.
And sometimes Chaz will dance with me, which is just so adorable it mkes me laugh so hard that my eyes water.
I'm happy. I'm healing.
Now, if only we can all get thru next Tiesday minus the alien and the bimbo (McCain/Palin)....
Obama Biden '08! *crosses fingers*
No worries tho, I'm fine.
Yes, I will miss Mike. You can't be with someone for as long as we were, GET MARRIED, and just bounce back lickety split when shit goes to pot. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It's not a possibility, since he's not capable of the level of commitment that I am.
But I'm constantly reminded that I'm now in an awesome position: I'm a father. And every day my kids remind me of the beauty that can be found in the simplest of things. Chaz and Jensen are amazing. Just to hear Chaz laugh or giggle, or for him to tell me what he wants for breakfast in the morning. It's so adorable and makes me so happy, and I feel priviliged to have these two perfect little people in my life each day.
When I am sad or upset, I can easily remember how much I love my boys, and I know that one day I will find the right guy. Kids make you realize that you can in fact do things that you never thought you could.
Whenever the day comes that I do find that guy, I know I'm already ready. What could prepare me better than having kids? They're living, breathing perspective. And their lessons are not lost on me, Although I will undoubtedly have bad days, I cannot linger in the mindset of those days, because, with grace and innocence, my children won't let me.
---
And since I've decided to take a step back away from guys for the time being, I've had even more time for exercise, especially dance. While it seems that I almost always go to bed tired lately (what's new?), somehow I have more energy because dancing always makes me happy. It's something I've done off and on since I was a teenager, even taking some classes, but now I just doing it for exercise and fun.
And sometimes Chaz will dance with me, which is just so adorable it mkes me laugh so hard that my eyes water.
I'm happy. I'm healing.
Now, if only we can all get thru next Tiesday minus the alien and the bimbo (McCain/Palin)....
Obama Biden '08! *crosses fingers*
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Pesky Memories...
Today I had a meeting, so this morning when I was getting ready I decided to wear some cologne, spraying several around in the closet to decide on one. Tonight, when I came home and went up to change again, the whole closet spelled of Mike.
Mike always wore cologne, well, very often, and I will always remember the smell. It wasn't pleasant tho, not to smell it now. Felt like his ghost had been here for a visit, and had only just left.
After I kicked him out I gathered up all of *our* stuff. Framed pictures, etc. and lugged them to the storage part of the basement to get them out of my face.
Intellectually I know I am better off without him. He still had issues with his sexuality and sexual preference, and for a million and one reasons he was incapable of staying in a real relationship. All that is painful for me to admit, but it's true.
In my head I know I dodged a bullet. Or, in point of fact, I didn't dodge it, but...it didn't kill me.
I have a lot of great memories of, and with Mike. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't have my kids right now if I hadn't been with Mike. If that's true, it's ironic then that the kids are what made Mike run. Well, the responsibility of them anyway.
I don't know where this blog is going...
I wonder how he feels about me now, or if he even thinks of me. Or maybe he feels like he dodged a bullet too. He probably does, and that's sad.
I wonder how he'd feel if he could have seen me earlier tonight with Chaz, sitting in my lap, reading him a story. Cuz, I mean, really, once you have kids, they are the most important thing to you in your life. Mike never allowed himself to feel that way about Chaz.
Where are the Ghostbusters when you need them?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Nikka Costa @ World Cafe Live: Come On, Get Ur Ass Up!
I've just returned from the Nikka Costa concert at the World Cafe Live in Philly, and I'm so fucking happy that I went. Literally, my hands are swollen in places from clapping so much, and I'm a little sweaty from dancing so much, but I loved it.
From her second song, which was Life a Feather, the crowd was pumped and it never stopped. For anyone who doesn't know of Nikka Costa and has never heard her music, please go out and buy her CDs, you won't be dissapointed. I've been a fan for years now, but this was my first time seeing her live.
Nikka Costa is a force on stage, she's brilliant, and her energy is infectious. World Cafe Live is a small and intimate venue, so any seat, or any spot, is a good one.
Towards the end of her set, on stage with her sizable band, she started singing, "Come on, get your ass up!" and was making anyone that was sitting down get up and dance. It was funny and it was envigorating at the same time.
And I think that's going to be my mantra from now on: Come on, get your ass up!
The last few days have been difficult because I found out some things about Drew that I didn't like.
Sunday I celebrated Chaz's 2 and a half year birthday with a lot of friends, and Drew was there. He left early and called me later, explaining that he had picked up my cell phone by mistake and had it. See, we both have Razors. He was very apologetic and offered to bring it over, but I said I'd just pick it up in the morning, and he said he'd leave the phone by the front door and a key under the mat.
Well, I got there Monday morning and there is no key. I look under the mat and all around and no key. So when I get to work, I call Drew and no answer. No big deal, Drew usually returns calls within an hour. But he doesn't.
I call a few times during the day. No answer. I call after work. I'm worried, he has never not answered his phone or not returned a call for so long before. I actually started to think something might be wrong and was going to go over to his house the next day and check things out.
Before I go to bed Monday night, I call one last time. He finally picks up.
He tells me he's done something bad. I'm worried, and ask, "What??"
Basically, he took my phone (on purpose), listed to a bunch of messages that were either new (I never had gotten them because he had my phone) or old, got jealous by whatever he heard, decided to delete a bunch of my saved and new messages, and then went so far as to delete a bunch (later I discovered it was all of the guy's numbers in my phone, including family members, and ones I don;t know by heart and might be hard to get back, including some work contacts) of programed numbers from my phone.
He's telling me all this, and we actually talk for quite a while. And I'm just getting angrier and angrier. He took my phone and listened to private messages and deleted information. And all because he's jealous because I'm single and dating more than one guy. Which he knew, from the start. And seemed to be okay with.
And he keeps apologizing and crying and telling me this and that and getting hysterical. And all I can think is that he seems crazy and has boundary issues. And he justseems unstable.
I went and got the phone late last night after I got off the phone with him. I told him I think we don;t need to see each other anymore.
And to myself, I think that I need to make a few changes in my life. Mainly that I need to concentrate on myself, and surround myself only with my kids and my friends. And I need to be more discriminating about who I let in my life.
And right now, Drew's no longer ion my life.
Back to my new mantra tho. Come on, get up off your ass. It could not have come at a better time.
See, I'm not gonna let this thing with Drew bother me.
Why? Because I'm living life. I'm getting my ass up. I'm seeing a great, inspirational singer. And I'm getting some perspective.
So, it's official: guys are taking a backseat in my life. What is important is my kids, my friends, and being sucessful in my business.
I'm not kicking Cesar to the curb. I'm not stupid enough to screw something that could potentially be good. But I am gonna explain my new philosophy to him, and see what he thinks about it.
And we shall see, I guess. But I'm not worried either way.
I just needed to get all that out.
From her second song, which was Life a Feather, the crowd was pumped and it never stopped. For anyone who doesn't know of Nikka Costa and has never heard her music, please go out and buy her CDs, you won't be dissapointed. I've been a fan for years now, but this was my first time seeing her live.
Nikka Costa is a force on stage, she's brilliant, and her energy is infectious. World Cafe Live is a small and intimate venue, so any seat, or any spot, is a good one.
Towards the end of her set, on stage with her sizable band, she started singing, "Come on, get your ass up!" and was making anyone that was sitting down get up and dance. It was funny and it was envigorating at the same time.
And I think that's going to be my mantra from now on: Come on, get your ass up!
The last few days have been difficult because I found out some things about Drew that I didn't like.
Sunday I celebrated Chaz's 2 and a half year birthday with a lot of friends, and Drew was there. He left early and called me later, explaining that he had picked up my cell phone by mistake and had it. See, we both have Razors. He was very apologetic and offered to bring it over, but I said I'd just pick it up in the morning, and he said he'd leave the phone by the front door and a key under the mat.
Well, I got there Monday morning and there is no key. I look under the mat and all around and no key. So when I get to work, I call Drew and no answer. No big deal, Drew usually returns calls within an hour. But he doesn't.
I call a few times during the day. No answer. I call after work. I'm worried, he has never not answered his phone or not returned a call for so long before. I actually started to think something might be wrong and was going to go over to his house the next day and check things out.
Before I go to bed Monday night, I call one last time. He finally picks up.
He tells me he's done something bad. I'm worried, and ask, "What??"
Basically, he took my phone (on purpose), listed to a bunch of messages that were either new (I never had gotten them because he had my phone) or old, got jealous by whatever he heard, decided to delete a bunch of my saved and new messages, and then went so far as to delete a bunch (later I discovered it was all of the guy's numbers in my phone, including family members, and ones I don;t know by heart and might be hard to get back, including some work contacts) of programed numbers from my phone.
He's telling me all this, and we actually talk for quite a while. And I'm just getting angrier and angrier. He took my phone and listened to private messages and deleted information. And all because he's jealous because I'm single and dating more than one guy. Which he knew, from the start. And seemed to be okay with.
And he keeps apologizing and crying and telling me this and that and getting hysterical. And all I can think is that he seems crazy and has boundary issues. And he justseems unstable.
I went and got the phone late last night after I got off the phone with him. I told him I think we don;t need to see each other anymore.
And to myself, I think that I need to make a few changes in my life. Mainly that I need to concentrate on myself, and surround myself only with my kids and my friends. And I need to be more discriminating about who I let in my life.
And right now, Drew's no longer ion my life.
Back to my new mantra tho. Come on, get up off your ass. It could not have come at a better time.
See, I'm not gonna let this thing with Drew bother me.
Why? Because I'm living life. I'm getting my ass up. I'm seeing a great, inspirational singer. And I'm getting some perspective.
So, it's official: guys are taking a backseat in my life. What is important is my kids, my friends, and being sucessful in my business.
I'm not kicking Cesar to the curb. I'm not stupid enough to screw something that could potentially be good. But I am gonna explain my new philosophy to him, and see what he thinks about it.
And we shall see, I guess. But I'm not worried either way.
I just needed to get all that out.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Thoughts in my Mind...
So lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life, and who I want it with. Ever since Mike rabbit-punched me in the balls, cheating (with a 20-year-old pharmacy cashier -- how's that not supposed to hurt?), and I ended it...to be honest, I've been in shock, and felt lost. Yes, I soldier on and continue to move and live and date and breathe and dance and try to smile, but I'm a mess.
My kids and my business keep me sane, and they keep me going, keep me excited, keep me hopeful. I love them, I love my kids. They are me, and I am them. They give me purpose. They give me so much, in the simplest of interactions. Just looking in their eyes, I see two little boys who need me, and deserve to have great and fufilling lives. And I resolve to fufill that promise.
Beyond the fufillment of my children and my business tho, something is missing. When everything is done for the night, the kids are in bed asleep, I've made any necessay phone calls, and I'm only left with me, myself and I, in my bed, only left my thoughts, lights off, eyes closed, oblivious of the things around me other than endless, encompassing black, I'm confronted with the nagging realization, the persisitent, nagging certainty -- that something is missing.
I don't have have anyone to spend my life with; I am alone, and it's not meant to be this way. I'm not built to be alone. I'm built to be in a loving relationship. And I don't know if that will ever happen for me. For sure, I'll keep trying. But, will I just keep getting cheated on?
The truth is, I'm not a particularly special guy. I do normal things and have a normal life. Outside of being gay and having kids (by natural means) I haven;t done much that is unusual or noteworthy. I know how to capitalize on what I've got, but I'm nowhere near close a model, or anywhere near close to the smartest guy in the room. Plus, in May I'll be 30, which doesn;t bother me personally, but is noonetheless, true. And all my recet relatioships have ended in my significant other cheating on me.
And all this makes me wonder: Am I the one with the fatal flaw? Does the fact that I do my best to give all of myself to a boyfriend, does that send flares me that spell out C-H-E-A-T-O-N-M-E in the night sky?
Such as it is, I try to live my life and lead by example. I owe it to Chaz and Jensen to lead a respectable and integrous life. I try to do the right thing, and I value tolerance and knowlege over ignorance.
All that...doesn't keep me warm at night. And ya, I mjight be dating. But the truth is, I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen with all that, if anything will come of anything with Drew or Cesar or Ivan. Well, definitely not Ivan. But with Drew or Cesar.
Or, am I just licking my wounds and burying my hurt and depression with sex? I know it's not that simple -- I know I care more than that, but do I owe Chaz and Jensen more than that? Should I just stop everything, and just heal? And can I heal, will I heal, without the distraction of the possibility of a new, better, more healthy and fufilling relationship? Can I heal, if I remain single?
I love my kids more than I will ever love any man, this I know. But I have a lot of love within myslf, and I need an equal partner to give this love to, and get love back from.
But at night in my bed, alone with my thoughts, I'm scared.
I'm scared that that kind of love is an illusion, at best a mirage; I think I can see, but it's never really there, not for me. Is a truly healthy relationship possible?
I'm scared that it isn't.
I'm scared. I'm scared that my bed will never be filled by someone who deserves to be there. I'm scared that I will never find someone who truly loves me, to lay in my bed, and rest their head on my chest.
Is fidelity an illusion, possible only until the next cock or ass comes along? Will my complete inability and lack of desire to cheat ever be reciprocated?
I lay awake and think about all these things, and I'm scared...
My kids and my business keep me sane, and they keep me going, keep me excited, keep me hopeful. I love them, I love my kids. They are me, and I am them. They give me purpose. They give me so much, in the simplest of interactions. Just looking in their eyes, I see two little boys who need me, and deserve to have great and fufilling lives. And I resolve to fufill that promise.
Beyond the fufillment of my children and my business tho, something is missing. When everything is done for the night, the kids are in bed asleep, I've made any necessay phone calls, and I'm only left with me, myself and I, in my bed, only left my thoughts, lights off, eyes closed, oblivious of the things around me other than endless, encompassing black, I'm confronted with the nagging realization, the persisitent, nagging certainty -- that something is missing.
I don't have have anyone to spend my life with; I am alone, and it's not meant to be this way. I'm not built to be alone. I'm built to be in a loving relationship. And I don't know if that will ever happen for me. For sure, I'll keep trying. But, will I just keep getting cheated on?
The truth is, I'm not a particularly special guy. I do normal things and have a normal life. Outside of being gay and having kids (by natural means) I haven;t done much that is unusual or noteworthy. I know how to capitalize on what I've got, but I'm nowhere near close a model, or anywhere near close to the smartest guy in the room. Plus, in May I'll be 30, which doesn;t bother me personally, but is noonetheless, true. And all my recet relatioships have ended in my significant other cheating on me.
And all this makes me wonder: Am I the one with the fatal flaw? Does the fact that I do my best to give all of myself to a boyfriend, does that send flares me that spell out C-H-E-A-T-O-N-M-E in the night sky?
Such as it is, I try to live my life and lead by example. I owe it to Chaz and Jensen to lead a respectable and integrous life. I try to do the right thing, and I value tolerance and knowlege over ignorance.
All that...doesn't keep me warm at night. And ya, I mjight be dating. But the truth is, I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen with all that, if anything will come of anything with Drew or Cesar or Ivan. Well, definitely not Ivan. But with Drew or Cesar.
Or, am I just licking my wounds and burying my hurt and depression with sex? I know it's not that simple -- I know I care more than that, but do I owe Chaz and Jensen more than that? Should I just stop everything, and just heal? And can I heal, will I heal, without the distraction of the possibility of a new, better, more healthy and fufilling relationship? Can I heal, if I remain single?
I love my kids more than I will ever love any man, this I know. But I have a lot of love within myslf, and I need an equal partner to give this love to, and get love back from.
But at night in my bed, alone with my thoughts, I'm scared.
I'm scared that that kind of love is an illusion, at best a mirage; I think I can see, but it's never really there, not for me. Is a truly healthy relationship possible?
I'm scared that it isn't.
I'm scared. I'm scared that my bed will never be filled by someone who deserves to be there. I'm scared that I will never find someone who truly loves me, to lay in my bed, and rest their head on my chest.
Is fidelity an illusion, possible only until the next cock or ass comes along? Will my complete inability and lack of desire to cheat ever be reciprocated?
I lay awake and think about all these things, and I'm scared...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Dating -- It's a Smorgasbord...and my Tummy Hurts!
Haha, nah, my tummy is fine. But this the first time I've had to myself since Friday morning. But this has probably been the best Friday to Sunday (or weekend, der) that I've had in a long time.
Friday I took the menchkins to work with me for a while, and then took them to Jenn's. It's a bit worrisome that Chaz is seeming not to like going over to his Mom's and would rather stay with me, but I'm breaking him of that, or trying. It's bugging Jenn too, and she's thinking she should spend more time with them, this weekends at Mommy's. But anway...
I worked all day and I met Cesar at the momies. This is the guy that my friend Janelle was wanting to set me up with. I got there a little early and he was waiting out front and I was kind of annoyed because his friend Elena was with him. I mean, I wasn't sure what she was doing there, but it seemed a lttle frickin' middle school to me. This was meant to be a group hang. But whatever. She was really kind of annoying, stereotypical big-breasted, fat-assed fag hag, but she did leave after the movie.
Movie was good, Eagle Eye, but I missed part of it because Cesar decided to get frisky, haha. All I'm gonna say is we were in the back, and it's not been out that long, there were a lot of people in the theatre, and I know some of them knew what was going down. Boy's got some oral skills, and I don't mean singing....heheh ;)
After the movie, both of us were hungry so we got McDonald's which I never go, but it was so good. And Cesar had an appetite, which was nice, a fag who actually eats, haha, but ya. And he's fuckin cute too. He's half Cuban and half Puerto Rican which my friend tiold me means that he'd have a big dick, haha (shoult out to Danny, haha), And has also has a smackable, squeezable kneadable bubble butt, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We ended up going back to the house and we sat outback a while talking and kissing and messing around before we made it to the bedroom and crashed a few hours later. Ya, fuuuun., mmmhmm. Janelle gets several points on the awesomely awesome friend score board. Very nice.... ;)
Saturday morning we had brekafast and Cesar left. On the way to work I saw a sign for a community yard sake so I stopped. It's in this cute subdivision of townhouses near the bakery. Well, anyways, I was going around, looking for nothing in particular, maybe something like a toy for the kids and I came up to this cute couple standing by a card table selling odds and enda. Actually, they were both hot, probably mid to late 20s.
They were chatty and talkative and tried to intrest me in a hot air balloon ride for one that they had won somewhere and never used. We all laughed about what anyone would want to go on a hot air balloon by themselves, wtf, right? Thye were trying to get me to buy something, asking me what I was looking for. I told them I was really not looking for much, but I collected shot glasses, and was looking for devilled egg dishes for my Mom (she collects them too)
The girl says she's got one she'll never use, asks me if I want to come in and look at it. So we all go in and it was really funny because they were standing together in their kitchen all couply and cute and fuckable and she starts in.
"Can I just ask you -- are you single?" I answered yes, and was laughing to myself, thought I had misread them, was this girl trying to ask me out??? I didn't think so. But my answer makes them both happy. It's Saturday morning, I'm slow.
They Introduce themselves, Aaron and Kelly. I'm totally amused, what do they want? Basically, they want to know if I'd be interested in either hooking up with Aaron while Kelly watched, or a threesome if I'm into that. I start laughing, can;t believe I was so slow on the uptake. It was still early. Aaron was talking about how they had been wanting to experiment with another guy but didn;t know anyone, and they were afraid to use MySpace or facebook or Craig's List.
Shit, they're both fuckin cute. Aaron is shorter than me with lifght brown short hair and what looked like a decent body from what I could tell in the tshirt and shorts. Kelly is [petite with short blonde hair. I'd be stupid to veto it outright.
And, I found out, they were both good kissers, haha. Shit, it's still now writing about it, but I hae to laugh and process. We got each other's numbers. And completely forgot about the devilled egg dish, haha, Oh well, heheh
But yaaaa, so after, after I went to see the munckins again and drop pff this cute stuffed basketbll I found. Chaz was happy to se me, but he informed me that I needed to leave, so they could go to the orchard, haha. All play-stern, and then he laughed. They love going there. I wish I could have painted his face right then and there. Jensen had just had a little drink of milk, and gave me a smile.
I worked all day and Drew showed up at night. We had another band, and that went well again, which makes me happy. I'm really trying to distinguish my business from other bakeries or restaurants in the area. Live entertainment in fun and it gets a new type of client for the bakery and attracts more business. Plus, I love being aroubnd people in that atmosphere. I love live music, and I love introducing the band. I love making sure everyone is happy and pleased and has everything (foodwise) that they need.
I think everyone enjoyed it, It'll probably sound cheesy, but it really makes me feel alive to hear live music, in a similar way that being around Chaz and Jensen makes me feel alive. It just makes me really happy.
OK, Queerbert McFuck, I'll stop being so gay.
But ya, Drew and I didn;t crash till like 1:30, then didn;t sleep till 2:30. I'm liking him a lot, but I'm still enjoying being single.
In the morning we went and got the kids and Jenn and took them to see the treehouse at the Gardens near the house. It's really nice, not a typical treehouse. They had also carved a few (HUGE) pumpkins and we let Chaz sit on them haha. They were taller than he is, haha, After than, Jenn left with the kids. After that we went and let Chaz pick out a pumpkin. Hopefully we can carve them tomorrow It was a nice day weather wise (brilliant), but we disn;t want Jensen out too long being so young, plus Jenn was gonna take them to see her parents tonight, and I'll go get them in the morning.
Drew and I stayed and we walked around out in the breeze, enjoying the day. There was some sort of walk for muscular dystrophy going on, it was really busy.
On the way home, Drew informed me that the kids didn;t scare him. I started to laugh, and I think it bothered him. I know he's getting closer to me, and he told me that the idea of being with someone with kids, or being responsible for them, etc. didn;t scare him at all. Makes me feel good for sure, but it is something I will have to file away for later. But it dioes mean something, alot, to me.
It's too fast tho. I need to process, I need to spend more time with him, be sure he means that. Figure out how I feel about him.
Till then, I'm gonna see Ivan tonight.
Till then, I'm gonna try to get some sleep, a little nap at least. Plus, I probably need to make some calls. I got calls from both Ivan and Cesar (and Drew) this weekend while I was out with other guys. But it's not like any of them don;t know the deal. I'm single, but I can't deal with anything majorly serious at the moment.
So why not get laid on the meantime? ;)
Mmm, I may got outside for a bit. Such great weather. I LOVE it!
We saw Eagle Eye, good movie
Friday I took the menchkins to work with me for a while, and then took them to Jenn's. It's a bit worrisome that Chaz is seeming not to like going over to his Mom's and would rather stay with me, but I'm breaking him of that, or trying. It's bugging Jenn too, and she's thinking she should spend more time with them, this weekends at Mommy's. But anway...
I worked all day and I met Cesar at the momies. This is the guy that my friend Janelle was wanting to set me up with. I got there a little early and he was waiting out front and I was kind of annoyed because his friend Elena was with him. I mean, I wasn't sure what she was doing there, but it seemed a lttle frickin' middle school to me. This was meant to be a group hang. But whatever. She was really kind of annoying, stereotypical big-breasted, fat-assed fag hag, but she did leave after the movie.
Movie was good, Eagle Eye, but I missed part of it because Cesar decided to get frisky, haha. All I'm gonna say is we were in the back, and it's not been out that long, there were a lot of people in the theatre, and I know some of them knew what was going down. Boy's got some oral skills, and I don't mean singing....heheh ;)
After the movie, both of us were hungry so we got McDonald's which I never go, but it was so good. And Cesar had an appetite, which was nice, a fag who actually eats, haha, but ya. And he's fuckin cute too. He's half Cuban and half Puerto Rican which my friend tiold me means that he'd have a big dick, haha (shoult out to Danny, haha), And has also has a smackable, squeezable kneadable bubble butt, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We ended up going back to the house and we sat outback a while talking and kissing and messing around before we made it to the bedroom and crashed a few hours later. Ya, fuuuun., mmmhmm. Janelle gets several points on the awesomely awesome friend score board. Very nice.... ;)
Saturday morning we had brekafast and Cesar left. On the way to work I saw a sign for a community yard sake so I stopped. It's in this cute subdivision of townhouses near the bakery. Well, anyways, I was going around, looking for nothing in particular, maybe something like a toy for the kids and I came up to this cute couple standing by a card table selling odds and enda. Actually, they were both hot, probably mid to late 20s.
They were chatty and talkative and tried to intrest me in a hot air balloon ride for one that they had won somewhere and never used. We all laughed about what anyone would want to go on a hot air balloon by themselves, wtf, right? Thye were trying to get me to buy something, asking me what I was looking for. I told them I was really not looking for much, but I collected shot glasses, and was looking for devilled egg dishes for my Mom (she collects them too)
The girl says she's got one she'll never use, asks me if I want to come in and look at it. So we all go in and it was really funny because they were standing together in their kitchen all couply and cute and fuckable and she starts in.
"Can I just ask you -- are you single?" I answered yes, and was laughing to myself, thought I had misread them, was this girl trying to ask me out??? I didn't think so. But my answer makes them both happy. It's Saturday morning, I'm slow.
They Introduce themselves, Aaron and Kelly. I'm totally amused, what do they want? Basically, they want to know if I'd be interested in either hooking up with Aaron while Kelly watched, or a threesome if I'm into that. I start laughing, can;t believe I was so slow on the uptake. It was still early. Aaron was talking about how they had been wanting to experiment with another guy but didn;t know anyone, and they were afraid to use MySpace or facebook or Craig's List.
Shit, they're both fuckin cute. Aaron is shorter than me with lifght brown short hair and what looked like a decent body from what I could tell in the tshirt and shorts. Kelly is [petite with short blonde hair. I'd be stupid to veto it outright.
And, I found out, they were both good kissers, haha. Shit, it's still now writing about it, but I hae to laugh and process. We got each other's numbers. And completely forgot about the devilled egg dish, haha, Oh well, heheh
But yaaaa, so after, after I went to see the munckins again and drop pff this cute stuffed basketbll I found. Chaz was happy to se me, but he informed me that I needed to leave, so they could go to the orchard, haha. All play-stern, and then he laughed. They love going there. I wish I could have painted his face right then and there. Jensen had just had a little drink of milk, and gave me a smile.
I worked all day and Drew showed up at night. We had another band, and that went well again, which makes me happy. I'm really trying to distinguish my business from other bakeries or restaurants in the area. Live entertainment in fun and it gets a new type of client for the bakery and attracts more business. Plus, I love being aroubnd people in that atmosphere. I love live music, and I love introducing the band. I love making sure everyone is happy and pleased and has everything (foodwise) that they need.
I think everyone enjoyed it, It'll probably sound cheesy, but it really makes me feel alive to hear live music, in a similar way that being around Chaz and Jensen makes me feel alive. It just makes me really happy.
OK, Queerbert McFuck, I'll stop being so gay.
But ya, Drew and I didn;t crash till like 1:30, then didn;t sleep till 2:30. I'm liking him a lot, but I'm still enjoying being single.
In the morning we went and got the kids and Jenn and took them to see the treehouse at the Gardens near the house. It's really nice, not a typical treehouse. They had also carved a few (HUGE) pumpkins and we let Chaz sit on them haha. They were taller than he is, haha, After than, Jenn left with the kids. After that we went and let Chaz pick out a pumpkin. Hopefully we can carve them tomorrow It was a nice day weather wise (brilliant), but we disn;t want Jensen out too long being so young, plus Jenn was gonna take them to see her parents tonight, and I'll go get them in the morning.
Drew and I stayed and we walked around out in the breeze, enjoying the day. There was some sort of walk for muscular dystrophy going on, it was really busy.
On the way home, Drew informed me that the kids didn;t scare him. I started to laugh, and I think it bothered him. I know he's getting closer to me, and he told me that the idea of being with someone with kids, or being responsible for them, etc. didn;t scare him at all. Makes me feel good for sure, but it is something I will have to file away for later. But it dioes mean something, alot, to me.
It's too fast tho. I need to process, I need to spend more time with him, be sure he means that. Figure out how I feel about him.
Till then, I'm gonna see Ivan tonight.
Till then, I'm gonna try to get some sleep, a little nap at least. Plus, I probably need to make some calls. I got calls from both Ivan and Cesar (and Drew) this weekend while I was out with other guys. But it's not like any of them don;t know the deal. I'm single, but I can't deal with anything majorly serious at the moment.
So why not get laid on the meantime? ;)
Mmm, I may got outside for a bit. Such great weather. I LOVE it!
We saw Eagle Eye, good movie
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Dating: The Brave New World
I've been nudged and asked enough times by the munchkins and drawves and gnomes that read my blog for a new update that I've relented. Apparently I do have a human following, but it's the leprechauns and faeries that are most vocal. Apparently...
Anyhow, here's what's been going on...
I've been seeing more of Drew (the guy I mentioned in the last blog) and have been enjoying spending time with him. We spent a whole day and night together, and were with my older son for part of the time, and I guess he passed that test. Didn;t run screaming at the sight of Chaz.
We also watched the Vice Presidential debate on Thursday together (we're both very political).
I'm liking him more, but still, for my sake, need to keep him at somewhat of a distance, which has gotten hard already, since he's been asking questions about Mike, my ex. Drew has also told me that he doesn;t think I know how much he really likes me.
I talked to Drew and told him that I still need things to go slow, and for my own piece of mind, I also need to start dating other people (because Drew is the first guy I've dated since Mike and I split -- which I know Drew wasn't in love with) but I also told him that, if it's important to him, I'll try to answer questions about Mike and mine's relationship -- although I told him I won;t want to talk about it at any real legnth (any negative emotion like sadness makes me feel incredibly unfortable and I'm not wanting to meltdown in front of Drew). But anyway, that is tonight. Oh joy, I can't wait, right?
Also, Wednesday I met Ivan, aka Russian Pizza Guy, when I as picking up the pizza that I ordered since I was too lazy and tired to cook for myself.
I had Chaz and Jensen with me, and RPG asked if they were my little brothers (lolzz), while patting Chaz on the head and saying how cute he was. On ething lead to another and he gave me his number. It always shocks me a little when guys approach in every day places, but I know I was all gayed out (clotheswise) and I know it was probably obvious. Gay-tight clothes and a flat top, but why not? I had a heachache and kinda felt crappy, and most of the time dressing up makes me feel better.
Anyweird, we went out last night, and it was very FUN. The time at the restaurent was abbreviated, after we discovered we weren't hungry....for food.
I have to say, I wasn;t expecting much from Ivan, didn;t think we'd have much in common, but I respect any guy who has the balls to approach me, and he was cute (looks like a Russian Chad Michael Murray) so I thought it'd be fun.
I still don;t know how much we have in common outside of bed, but there was an instant attraction and a hell of a lot of chemistry in bed.
-------
******OK, in case any ankle biters from Flixster are reading this, stop now. Go play a video game or watch Hannah Montana*********
STOP NOW
------------
OK, that was my attempt.
Ivan's fucken hot. Muscley, but not too much, and tattos everywhere, which I didn;t notice when I got the pizza. And he liked mine (I have four, including a very big one of a cross, among other things on my back). He actually told me we had to go get tats together.
We were in bed for several hours, and I didn;t pass out til about 3:30 - 4 am. It's kinda sad, but I think Ivan and I had a lot more chemistry (sexually anyway) then me and my ex did (because we're into some of the same things which I'm not gonna enumerate here)
I woke up at 11:45 this morning, and that never happens, I never sleep in, and Ivan was still sleeping next to me. I had to run, but will call him soon.
So tonight is the talk with Drew. Drew. Drew, who I actually like, both sexually and a ton of other ways.
Gotta say, I'm loving being single right now.
Later.....
Anyhow, here's what's been going on...
I've been seeing more of Drew (the guy I mentioned in the last blog) and have been enjoying spending time with him. We spent a whole day and night together, and were with my older son for part of the time, and I guess he passed that test. Didn;t run screaming at the sight of Chaz.
We also watched the Vice Presidential debate on Thursday together (we're both very political).
I'm liking him more, but still, for my sake, need to keep him at somewhat of a distance, which has gotten hard already, since he's been asking questions about Mike, my ex. Drew has also told me that he doesn;t think I know how much he really likes me.
I talked to Drew and told him that I still need things to go slow, and for my own piece of mind, I also need to start dating other people (because Drew is the first guy I've dated since Mike and I split -- which I know Drew wasn't in love with) but I also told him that, if it's important to him, I'll try to answer questions about Mike and mine's relationship -- although I told him I won;t want to talk about it at any real legnth (any negative emotion like sadness makes me feel incredibly unfortable and I'm not wanting to meltdown in front of Drew). But anyway, that is tonight. Oh joy, I can't wait, right?
Also, Wednesday I met Ivan, aka Russian Pizza Guy, when I as picking up the pizza that I ordered since I was too lazy and tired to cook for myself.
I had Chaz and Jensen with me, and RPG asked if they were my little brothers (lolzz), while patting Chaz on the head and saying how cute he was. On ething lead to another and he gave me his number. It always shocks me a little when guys approach in every day places, but I know I was all gayed out (clotheswise) and I know it was probably obvious. Gay-tight clothes and a flat top, but why not? I had a heachache and kinda felt crappy, and most of the time dressing up makes me feel better.
Anyweird, we went out last night, and it was very FUN. The time at the restaurent was abbreviated, after we discovered we weren't hungry....for food.
I have to say, I wasn;t expecting much from Ivan, didn;t think we'd have much in common, but I respect any guy who has the balls to approach me, and he was cute (looks like a Russian Chad Michael Murray) so I thought it'd be fun.
I still don;t know how much we have in common outside of bed, but there was an instant attraction and a hell of a lot of chemistry in bed.
-------
******OK, in case any ankle biters from Flixster are reading this, stop now. Go play a video game or watch Hannah Montana*********
STOP NOW
------------
OK, that was my attempt.
Ivan's fucken hot. Muscley, but not too much, and tattos everywhere, which I didn;t notice when I got the pizza. And he liked mine (I have four, including a very big one of a cross, among other things on my back). He actually told me we had to go get tats together.
We were in bed for several hours, and I didn;t pass out til about 3:30 - 4 am. It's kinda sad, but I think Ivan and I had a lot more chemistry (sexually anyway) then me and my ex did (because we're into some of the same things which I'm not gonna enumerate here)
I woke up at 11:45 this morning, and that never happens, I never sleep in, and Ivan was still sleeping next to me. I had to run, but will call him soon.
So tonight is the talk with Drew. Drew. Drew, who I actually like, both sexually and a ton of other ways.
Gotta say, I'm loving being single right now.
Later.....
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Non-date becomes a date
This past weekend I had a date. It was the first substantial vertical interaction I'd had with a guy since Mike and I broke up. Broke up... Correction -- since I found out he was cheating on me and threw his ass out. But I'm not too bitter now, just being accurate.
Until now, I was perectly content to refer to this date as a non-date, mostly because the idea of a date seemed to serious, too much to handle, and a non-date seemed simple and fun. Plus, I was bored and he was cute (he has been coming to the bakery since not long after it opened), so I said yes.
Still, I thought it best not to plan anything, it being a non-date and all.
But it went well, and I was surprised, relieved and happy to find out that I could have fun, that it came natural, that I wasn't hesitant.
He was interesting. I was interested and he seemed interested in me, and conversation came easily, flowing between the two of us in a comfortable way. We talked, asking each other all the normal questions, and we both laughed easily.
I saw a lot of qualitites in Drew that I like.
So we're hanging out tomorrow.
While I may not be ready for anything major yet, it's comforting that I can date. Especially since I'm not one to dwell on negative and unfortunate things in my life. And since I quickly came to terms with the fact that Mike and I are 100% over, since he's done this before, and he knew the score before.
I guess I'll become more active in seeking out more dates, or at least letting my friends set me up :)
Eventually I'll actually find the ever elusive ideal: a guy who appreciates me and all I have to offer, and who I can appreciate in the same way, and who won't run away from something real.
That's the aim.
Now I have to run. Didn;t really even have time to write this blog but I wanted to.
Until now, I was perectly content to refer to this date as a non-date, mostly because the idea of a date seemed to serious, too much to handle, and a non-date seemed simple and fun. Plus, I was bored and he was cute (he has been coming to the bakery since not long after it opened), so I said yes.
Still, I thought it best not to plan anything, it being a non-date and all.
But it went well, and I was surprised, relieved and happy to find out that I could have fun, that it came natural, that I wasn't hesitant.
He was interesting. I was interested and he seemed interested in me, and conversation came easily, flowing between the two of us in a comfortable way. We talked, asking each other all the normal questions, and we both laughed easily.
I saw a lot of qualitites in Drew that I like.
So we're hanging out tomorrow.
While I may not be ready for anything major yet, it's comforting that I can date. Especially since I'm not one to dwell on negative and unfortunate things in my life. And since I quickly came to terms with the fact that Mike and I are 100% over, since he's done this before, and he knew the score before.
I guess I'll become more active in seeking out more dates, or at least letting my friends set me up :)
Eventually I'll actually find the ever elusive ideal: a guy who appreciates me and all I have to offer, and who I can appreciate in the same way, and who won't run away from something real.
That's the aim.
Now I have to run. Didn;t really even have time to write this blog but I wanted to.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Now is the....fall...of my discontent
A lot has happened in the six weeks since I updated my blog last. And ya, it's not exactly fall yet with a high today of 83 degrees, but I am "discontent", or maybe, content but unhappy. If you think about it long enough, it's not nearly as oxymoronic as it sounds.
The happy news first:
The second little munchkin showed up to the party on August 19th, perfectly perfect and adorable, praise Jesus, the Mexican guy at the corner store; they make the best tamales, you kniow?
But seriously, the name is eventually settled on was Jensen Noah Riley, figuring that if he hated his name when he grew up, he'd have two other perfectly good names to go by if he chooses. He's just shy of a month old now and I love holding him and just spending time with him and being his dad. I know I forgot how small Chaz was, now that he's a terror ;)
In fact, Chaz did the cutest thing about a week ago. I had a friend staying with me, and we decided to pop in a Justin Timberlake DVD I bought and never watched. Well, in the begginning of the concert Justin started beat boxing and I was imitating him (for some reason, whenever I hear beatboxing, I have to join in) and Chaz started trying to imitate me, hahaha We were laughing so hard!
I swear, Chaz will probably grow up to the gay and one of his "roots" will be watching the JT DVD with Daddy, hahaha
---
The bakery is still going really well. I've even had a band play there one night (which went really) well and have plans for a second night soon with a different band. I also have scored two other corporate accounts, which means $ for me, which is, of course, always good.
---
Now the news I've been leaving till last. Not too long ago I found out that Mike was cheating on me. I'm not gonna bother to write tons about it, and bearly anyone reads this blog and comments, and all of my friends already know, but suffice it to say, I kicked him out and ended it for good.
He's a pig-fucking thundercunt, but whatever, I'm dealing.
But I guess Forrest Gump was right, Life really is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.
So I'm single now, and plan to stay that way for a while. Truthfully, the idea of beginning to date again makes me sick to my stomach.
We shall see what happens. In any case, I know that with my kids and my business, I am really lucky and so shouldn;t stay down in the dumps about Mike for too long.
I'll try to update this more often. Try.
The happy news first:
The second little munchkin showed up to the party on August 19th, perfectly perfect and adorable, praise Jesus, the Mexican guy at the corner store; they make the best tamales, you kniow?
But seriously, the name is eventually settled on was Jensen Noah Riley, figuring that if he hated his name when he grew up, he'd have two other perfectly good names to go by if he chooses. He's just shy of a month old now and I love holding him and just spending time with him and being his dad. I know I forgot how small Chaz was, now that he's a terror ;)
In fact, Chaz did the cutest thing about a week ago. I had a friend staying with me, and we decided to pop in a Justin Timberlake DVD I bought and never watched. Well, in the begginning of the concert Justin started beat boxing and I was imitating him (for some reason, whenever I hear beatboxing, I have to join in) and Chaz started trying to imitate me, hahaha We were laughing so hard!
I swear, Chaz will probably grow up to the gay and one of his "roots" will be watching the JT DVD with Daddy, hahaha
---
The bakery is still going really well. I've even had a band play there one night (which went really) well and have plans for a second night soon with a different band. I also have scored two other corporate accounts, which means $ for me, which is, of course, always good.
---
Now the news I've been leaving till last. Not too long ago I found out that Mike was cheating on me. I'm not gonna bother to write tons about it, and bearly anyone reads this blog and comments, and all of my friends already know, but suffice it to say, I kicked him out and ended it for good.
He's a pig-fucking thundercunt, but whatever, I'm dealing.
But I guess Forrest Gump was right, Life really is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.
So I'm single now, and plan to stay that way for a while. Truthfully, the idea of beginning to date again makes me sick to my stomach.
We shall see what happens. In any case, I know that with my kids and my business, I am really lucky and so shouldn;t stay down in the dumps about Mike for too long.
I'll try to update this more often. Try.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
What's new, Mr. Magoo?
I'm really not in the practice of updating my blog on any sort of basis that could be termed 'regular.' In other words, I haven't written in a while and I supposed I need to...or I should.
Today marks the end of the second week of the bakery's operation, and business has been really good. I guess it helps that I had an existing client base and good word of mouth as well as the mailings/publicity. But I'm really happy. Having Mike right there with me and being able to interact with the public on a daily basis is very gratifying. I'm really loving it.
It was a little shaky for a while but we worked out some kinks and *crosses fingers* there haven;t been any major catastrophes.
Jenn will pop within the next few weeks. We are thinking Jensen Daniel Riley (two middle names) as a name, but we are not 100% concrete on that. I wouldn;t be surprised if it changed again before the big day.
I'm not as petrified as I was the first time around. At least I know I can do it now, and our support network in formly in place.
Jenn is already talking about a third. Mike and I aren't convinced ;)
--
Perhaps it's not the best time for it, but Mike and I have had a few threesomes with our neighbor Will. So far it's going well. I'm not complaining... ;)
A little update for anyone still reading my sad, sad blog ;)
Today marks the end of the second week of the bakery's operation, and business has been really good. I guess it helps that I had an existing client base and good word of mouth as well as the mailings/publicity. But I'm really happy. Having Mike right there with me and being able to interact with the public on a daily basis is very gratifying. I'm really loving it.
It was a little shaky for a while but we worked out some kinks and *crosses fingers* there haven;t been any major catastrophes.
Jenn will pop within the next few weeks. We are thinking Jensen Daniel Riley (two middle names) as a name, but we are not 100% concrete on that. I wouldn;t be surprised if it changed again before the big day.
I'm not as petrified as I was the first time around. At least I know I can do it now, and our support network in formly in place.
Jenn is already talking about a third. Mike and I aren't convinced ;)
--
Perhaps it's not the best time for it, but Mike and I have had a few threesomes with our neighbor Will. So far it's going well. I'm not complaining... ;)
A little update for anyone still reading my sad, sad blog ;)
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Gay for gain....
You probably all know what "gay for pay" means, right? It's when a straight guy does gay porn for the money. (In straight porn, the guys are basically props and don't get paid much).
Well, a few days ago I was watching a biography of James Dean on TV and a friend from his back in the 1950s (I don;t know who she was but I recognized her face from TV) said that he would basically fag out for connected guys in the entertainment industry if it means getting ahead. She said he was bi.
I had never thought about the possibility of this before, not for guys anyway. I mean, I'm certainly bi-capable, but am also totally gay, and would never hazard a mackerel mustache for personal gain.
At the same time tho, bisexuality intrigues me. And I can;t help wondering... James Dean was only 24 years old when he died. What if he really was gay, but died before he fully realized it? Or what if he really was bi, and not just for personal gain?
If he was still alive he'd be 77... He only made three films (which I still need to see, btw) and made such an impact. No telling what he could have/would have done if he had more time.
In a time when all self-respecting homos are supposed to droll over Madonna and Mariah...fuck that horseshit, give me James Dean any day. I like him even more now.
Straight for gain? Not for me, haha. Except baby-making ;)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
A lizard in the sun...
That's what I've been lately, a lizard in the sun. I LOVE warm weather and I'd spend 24 hours a day outside if it were possible. Now that it's not Christmas, luscious or otherwise....
So what has happened?
The third week of April the little man Chas turned 2 and had a pimped out birthday. It's such a trip to witness every day how he is turning into a little person. I don't know if I will ever get over when he comes up to me and huge my leg. Totally adorable and makes me feel awesome no matter what kind of day I'm having.
Not that I can complain much at all lately. I actually had my birthday a little less than a week ago and it was a great time. Family, friends, everything, and no crazy drama, for once. Mike and I are the best we've ever been.
And, THE BIG NEWS???
Jenn is preggers again and is due in August and it will be another boy, thank God, you all know I;d be lost with a girl ;) Taking suggestions for names, by the way.
Ya, it was when we were in Miami, and Jenn just came out with we should have another kid, and at first I thought she was kidding. But not kidding, haha. And now there is another bundle of awesomeness on the way. Who knew the homo would be a babymaker???. My sibs are still useless in that department.
But, AMAZINGLY, my sister isn;t such a huge mess anymore. She never went to rehab, but she's actually half ways trying to get her shit together, and I have my fingers crossed, bu7t get back to me in 6 months, right?
She got a few more DUIs and has some court dates coming up and I think all that has finally scared her into not being such a raging fuckwit. No, but seriously, I do hope she gets it together. She's gone off all of her meds, which she should have never been on in the first place and is going to therapy.
Business is still going well, maybe too well, and I'm thinking of opening up a real shop, but all that is still in the early stages. I don't know if it's worth doing, with the time commitment. we shall see.
Maybe I'll start writing in my blog again. I kind of forgot about it, and my days are pretty full right about now anyway, but I kind of like writing
And the next blog will be better, I promise, heheh
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