You know what I realized? Blogging is therapeutic, even if no one reads it. And I've had a stressful week (and it's only Tuesday!) and I need some therapy, bitches!
I've had two people quit this week so that blows goats...
Plus...drama with the momma, and not the baby momma, my momma (see previous blog)
See calls me today and informs me she needs to ask me something... (in my experience this is never a good thing)
She wants to know what "we" are gonna do about sis for New Years. She thinks I "need to invite" sis to my house
Uhhhh, NOOOOO!
I tell her I have plans with friends, plus I remind her that sis isn't welcome at my house. Mom blows a gasket. I basically hear what Charlie Brown hears when the teacher talks.
I tell her to have sis at her house. That's not gonna work because Mom wants to be with man. Perfectly reasonable.
I suggest sis should be left at her house, to lay in the bed she made for herself, for once.
More squawking from Mom.
I tell her I refuse to have a repeat of Christmas. I end the conversation.
I feel shitty that I can't just make myself do what my Mom wants me to do. But I am like Mary J. Blige and want no more drama in my life.
PLUS...
Ok, I know this is a cheese factor of 12, but New Years I'm going to make it official with Cesar (be official bfs). I'm gonna have a few friends over (not too, too many) and I want it to be intimate and even a little romantical. It's probably a formality at this point but I want to try to make it kind of special and memorable, even ho all I'm doing is making it official...whatever.
Emotional outbursts are not romantical. Drunken hot messes are not romantical.
I want romantical. We shall have romantical.
Romantical, Can you tell I like the word? :)
Happy New Years blog elves and lurkers!
Wish me luck! (Yes, I can't help being nervous somehow, shut up)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Photo Fridays!: My Mom!
YAY!
It's Saturday, but pretend like it's Friday! Because I just got my scanner Thursday! Yay! Photo Fridays! Go with it, people!
Photo Fridays is when I share a photo and blog about some aspect of my life related to the photo. YAY! You're all ecstatic, I know!
For Christmas, my Aunt sent some old pics of my Mom so I decided to start off Photo Fridays with a pic of her from high school.
Check out the hair! You all love it!
Basically one of the reasons that I wanted to share a photo of my Mom is that I really do love her. Sometimes we fight and argue, but at the end of the day I am closest to her and I wouldn't be 1/10th of the man I am today without her.
From the time I was a wee mini-munchkin she has been in my corner fighting for me, even from the time I was born and was premature and had some issues, she fought for me then.
She isn't perfect, but she is perfect in her imperfections.
Even after I came out, when we were not each other's favorite person for a few years, she came around eventually, and I always knew she loved me, Unlike me Dad who is a total douchebag, whatever.
We may not be as uber-close as Cesar and his Mom seem to be, but we have a real bond. We are there for each other when it counts,
Yes, I am a fag who loves his Mom, heheh, oh well
Photo Fridays, YAY!
Christmas --- rough start, excellent ending
OK ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one, so if you intend to read on, fix a mug of your favorite bev, curl up with a warm blanket and get comfy because I've been itching to write this and I've got a lot to say. AND, I finally have time to write it. The mini-munchkin is getting some quality time with the baby mama's mama and the munchkin is laying down next to me coloring me a picture.
So....
(why don't they have underline on this blog thing?)
Christmas Eve
As you know, my sister is likely getting a divorce and the BIL's mom and sis came from jolly old England for Christmas and he wanted to spend time with his fam alone so Drunkella had Christmas with us.
My Mom picked sis up from work and took her home to get her overnight bag and pick up her two fat cats. Apparently there was drama there because she didn;t bother to pack beforehand and took FOREVER getting her stuff together, THEN, after they left to come to my house, she forgot something and they had to turn around.
Whatever, right? Not too, too bad, especially for my sister.
Well, as soon as they got here, they were unloading the cats and getting them set up in the basement and sis says she has got to get changed and runs upstairs to the guest bedroom. Well, she comes down about 10 minutes later and it's obvious she's been drinking (slurring words, stumbling some). So she goes out for a cig and my Mom (heartbroken at the prospect of my sister drunk on Christmas Eve, no less) goes up to the room to see where sis hid the booze. (It was obviously her booze since all my booze is locked away, either behind a key pad or under lock and key).
So, Mom ends up finding 4 pint-size vodka bottles, and two are half empty. Well, about this time sis comes up to the bedroom and is even more drunk (major slurring, barely talking above a wisper [unless she wants to yell and scream], can't keep her head up, beligerent behavior).
Mom and I both are feeling about a million different emotions. My sister has done a lot of things, but drinking on Christmas Eve, that's a first. Plus, I'm worried about my kids being there (no worries, they weren't exposed to any of her behavior). Plus, my brother and sister were coming at that point in about 2 hours and I was afraid that when they say the state sis was in they'd just leave. Also, Mom and I had to finish cooking, which we were behind on. Lastly, I had friends dropping in all night off and on (which is normal) and I was worried they'd see her (which some did and I was *mortified*....)
Mom and I try to talk to sis. She starts her normal bullshit, blaming everything on my mother (who, for the record, is, despite a few faults, a wonderful woman, and doesn;t deserve 95% of sis's bs).
She irrational, screaming at my Mom, I lose my temper. She's being ridiculous, at one point insinuating that her behavior isn't her fault because "drinking is genetic" and "Papaw was an alcoholic." This last bit was designed to upset my mother and isn;t even true. The truth is that my grandpa had two pediods in his life when he drank: once in the late 30s-early 40s when my oldest uncle was a little boy (way before my Mom was born) and once again in the mid 70s after my grandparents got a divorce and Papaw married a horrible woman.
Anyway, sis is ridiculous, begging for the vodka back, swearing she'll just stay up in her room and not come out for dinner.
We end up getting her to come down. She sobers up a bit. Starts hugging us every five minutes and crying (which is very annoying when you're trying to cook). She insists on doing a back flip in the family room to prove she can still do one (she used to be a gymnast).
At one point a friend of mine stops by to exchange presents. Sis hugs him and cries. She doesn't even know him. He doesn;t know her. They've never met. I am mortified. He leaves.
I suggest sis go upstairs, brush teeth (she smells like a brewry/cig factory) and wash face (major racoon eyes). Of course, I keep the ( ) to myself. I go up to my bedroom to brush teeth, check myself, etc. Sis comes in, inform me she forgot her toothbrush, asks if I have mouthwash. I do, but I lie and tell her no. I know from past experience that she will take it and drink it to get drubk from the alcohol in it. She gets pissed, never even bother to clean her face to attempts to do something about her breath.
When bro and sis-in-law do show up, sis is somewhat better. Not slurring as much. Still, she jumps up in bro's arms and hugs him, making him carry her like that into kitchen. Her behavior is painful to watch. All through dinner she tries to follow the convo but is about five minutes behind, randomly saying something about a topic we had finished discussing some time ago, that sort of thing.
Thankfully the worst of sis's outburst took place upstairs while munchkin was in the basement playing with cats. Dinner was late and munchkin was already sleeping so he didn;t witness any of this. He's young but I'm scared he will pick up on things and I don't want him to see that.
After dinner, sis slumps in chair, nearly passes out. Thankfully she goes to bed without incident.
Christmas Day
Thankfully, sis is mostly sober Christmas morning and much more normal. Everyone opens up their stockings (yes, we all have stockings, not just the munchkins, haha) and then we open up some of the presents.
I can;t describe, it might be a weird feeling, but I think it's pride I feel when I watch Chaz open up his presents. He's an excitable kid normally, but Christmas opushes over the top, 200%. He is so excited about Santa and the presents that he can;t stop giggling and it's adorable.
Yes, I am way past officially kid-tarded and I think everything (well, not everything) my kids do is cute. But seriously, it was sooooo cute. Luckily you Moms understand :)
Afta-afta we have some breakfast and my bro has to leave to go be with his wife's family. We hang out with my Mom for a few hours (with friends stopping in too) before Mom leave to go be with her man's family for a while. Sis also leaves.
Before she does, I take her aside and tell her she's not welcome in my home again until I see that she's makign efforts to deal with her alcoholism and quit drinking, something I haven;t seen up to this point. This obviously upset her. I really don;t care about her feelings in that moment. Actually I'm relieved.
Cesar comes over Christmas Day-night. Perfect timing since all the visitors have trickled down and we get some alone time together. We exchange gifts and it's funny because of each of our gifts to each other is clothes (which is a very gay-couple thing to do). We go try them on. Cesar looks hotttttt. Visions dance thru my head, and it's not sugar plums.
I have a his and his closet (which is only slightly different than a his and hers) and one side is empty. Cesar sees this and, points toward the empty side, asks if that is his side, smiling. I'm caught up. I tell him soon probably, smiling back.
Christmas nookie ensues. Everything is slower, we take our time. The room is warm, the bed is war, everything is very warm. I enjoy exploring the contours of hi body. I remember noticing that his skin is A LOT softer then most guys I've been with.
I like looking at his eyes in the moment. I've never understood couples that never look at each other. He has a certain twinkle in his eyes I've noticed before.
He seems an open book in daily life and in bed. He is open, and I like this very much.
My frirnds tell me that this partially likely due to his Hispanic culture. (Ceasr is partially Puerto Rican, Cuban and Dominican). The reason why isn;t so much important me to. I just like it.
The Day After Christmas
We sleep in as late as we can (which isn;t late) and Cesar eventually has to leave to go take care of hsi things, plus I have to go into work to chek on some things, take care of some things, etc., etc.
From an earlier blog you'll remember that Cesar's Mom had given me a letter beasically saying she wanted to meet me, etc., etc. [See Cesar update if you don;t know what I'm talking about]
Well, Cesar told me she wanted me and him to come to her house last night so I could meet her, la la la. I was a little nervous but didn;t let on to him. I got the impression it would be small and low key and just maybe some of his family. I was a little nervous because I didn;t know exactly what tyo expect and I like being prepared. So I called my friend Danny and he explained some things and prepared me (thanks Danny).
I ended up bring over some flowers for Cesar's Mom, some wine and some leftover goodies.
It was actually really great meeting his family. It was a little overwhelming because I'm not used to large family (and Cesar's is pushing 30 just with his parents, sib and their families) but I had a great time, and I could see how close Cesar is to them, and they are supportive and happy people. And happy to meet me. And really just happy that their son/brother/uncle is happy.
I have more to write but you probably all stopped reading ages ago, and Chaz is restless.
Hope you all had good Christmases!
-B
So....
(why don't they have underline on this blog thing?)
Christmas Eve
As you know, my sister is likely getting a divorce and the BIL's mom and sis came from jolly old England for Christmas and he wanted to spend time with his fam alone so Drunkella had Christmas with us.
My Mom picked sis up from work and took her home to get her overnight bag and pick up her two fat cats. Apparently there was drama there because she didn;t bother to pack beforehand and took FOREVER getting her stuff together, THEN, after they left to come to my house, she forgot something and they had to turn around.
Whatever, right? Not too, too bad, especially for my sister.
Well, as soon as they got here, they were unloading the cats and getting them set up in the basement and sis says she has got to get changed and runs upstairs to the guest bedroom. Well, she comes down about 10 minutes later and it's obvious she's been drinking (slurring words, stumbling some). So she goes out for a cig and my Mom (heartbroken at the prospect of my sister drunk on Christmas Eve, no less) goes up to the room to see where sis hid the booze. (It was obviously her booze since all my booze is locked away, either behind a key pad or under lock and key).
So, Mom ends up finding 4 pint-size vodka bottles, and two are half empty. Well, about this time sis comes up to the bedroom and is even more drunk (major slurring, barely talking above a wisper [unless she wants to yell and scream], can't keep her head up, beligerent behavior).
Mom and I both are feeling about a million different emotions. My sister has done a lot of things, but drinking on Christmas Eve, that's a first. Plus, I'm worried about my kids being there (no worries, they weren't exposed to any of her behavior). Plus, my brother and sister were coming at that point in about 2 hours and I was afraid that when they say the state sis was in they'd just leave. Also, Mom and I had to finish cooking, which we were behind on. Lastly, I had friends dropping in all night off and on (which is normal) and I was worried they'd see her (which some did and I was *mortified*....)
Mom and I try to talk to sis. She starts her normal bullshit, blaming everything on my mother (who, for the record, is, despite a few faults, a wonderful woman, and doesn;t deserve 95% of sis's bs).
She irrational, screaming at my Mom, I lose my temper. She's being ridiculous, at one point insinuating that her behavior isn't her fault because "drinking is genetic" and "Papaw was an alcoholic." This last bit was designed to upset my mother and isn;t even true. The truth is that my grandpa had two pediods in his life when he drank: once in the late 30s-early 40s when my oldest uncle was a little boy (way before my Mom was born) and once again in the mid 70s after my grandparents got a divorce and Papaw married a horrible woman.
Anyway, sis is ridiculous, begging for the vodka back, swearing she'll just stay up in her room and not come out for dinner.
We end up getting her to come down. She sobers up a bit. Starts hugging us every five minutes and crying (which is very annoying when you're trying to cook). She insists on doing a back flip in the family room to prove she can still do one (she used to be a gymnast).
At one point a friend of mine stops by to exchange presents. Sis hugs him and cries. She doesn't even know him. He doesn;t know her. They've never met. I am mortified. He leaves.
I suggest sis go upstairs, brush teeth (she smells like a brewry/cig factory) and wash face (major racoon eyes). Of course, I keep the ( ) to myself. I go up to my bedroom to brush teeth, check myself, etc. Sis comes in, inform me she forgot her toothbrush, asks if I have mouthwash. I do, but I lie and tell her no. I know from past experience that she will take it and drink it to get drubk from the alcohol in it. She gets pissed, never even bother to clean her face to attempts to do something about her breath.
When bro and sis-in-law do show up, sis is somewhat better. Not slurring as much. Still, she jumps up in bro's arms and hugs him, making him carry her like that into kitchen. Her behavior is painful to watch. All through dinner she tries to follow the convo but is about five minutes behind, randomly saying something about a topic we had finished discussing some time ago, that sort of thing.
Thankfully the worst of sis's outburst took place upstairs while munchkin was in the basement playing with cats. Dinner was late and munchkin was already sleeping so he didn;t witness any of this. He's young but I'm scared he will pick up on things and I don't want him to see that.
After dinner, sis slumps in chair, nearly passes out. Thankfully she goes to bed without incident.
Christmas Day
Thankfully, sis is mostly sober Christmas morning and much more normal. Everyone opens up their stockings (yes, we all have stockings, not just the munchkins, haha) and then we open up some of the presents.
I can;t describe, it might be a weird feeling, but I think it's pride I feel when I watch Chaz open up his presents. He's an excitable kid normally, but Christmas opushes over the top, 200%. He is so excited about Santa and the presents that he can;t stop giggling and it's adorable.
Yes, I am way past officially kid-tarded and I think everything (well, not everything) my kids do is cute. But seriously, it was sooooo cute. Luckily you Moms understand :)
Afta-afta we have some breakfast and my bro has to leave to go be with his wife's family. We hang out with my Mom for a few hours (with friends stopping in too) before Mom leave to go be with her man's family for a while. Sis also leaves.
Before she does, I take her aside and tell her she's not welcome in my home again until I see that she's makign efforts to deal with her alcoholism and quit drinking, something I haven;t seen up to this point. This obviously upset her. I really don;t care about her feelings in that moment. Actually I'm relieved.
Cesar comes over Christmas Day-night. Perfect timing since all the visitors have trickled down and we get some alone time together. We exchange gifts and it's funny because of each of our gifts to each other is clothes (which is a very gay-couple thing to do). We go try them on. Cesar looks hotttttt. Visions dance thru my head, and it's not sugar plums.
I have a his and his closet (which is only slightly different than a his and hers) and one side is empty. Cesar sees this and, points toward the empty side, asks if that is his side, smiling. I'm caught up. I tell him soon probably, smiling back.
Christmas nookie ensues. Everything is slower, we take our time. The room is warm, the bed is war, everything is very warm. I enjoy exploring the contours of hi body. I remember noticing that his skin is A LOT softer then most guys I've been with.
I like looking at his eyes in the moment. I've never understood couples that never look at each other. He has a certain twinkle in his eyes I've noticed before.
He seems an open book in daily life and in bed. He is open, and I like this very much.
My frirnds tell me that this partially likely due to his Hispanic culture. (Ceasr is partially Puerto Rican, Cuban and Dominican). The reason why isn;t so much important me to. I just like it.
The Day After Christmas
We sleep in as late as we can (which isn;t late) and Cesar eventually has to leave to go take care of hsi things, plus I have to go into work to chek on some things, take care of some things, etc., etc.
From an earlier blog you'll remember that Cesar's Mom had given me a letter beasically saying she wanted to meet me, etc., etc. [See Cesar update if you don;t know what I'm talking about]
Well, Cesar told me she wanted me and him to come to her house last night so I could meet her, la la la. I was a little nervous but didn;t let on to him. I got the impression it would be small and low key and just maybe some of his family. I was a little nervous because I didn;t know exactly what tyo expect and I like being prepared. So I called my friend Danny and he explained some things and prepared me (thanks Danny).
I ended up bring over some flowers for Cesar's Mom, some wine and some leftover goodies.
It was actually really great meeting his family. It was a little overwhelming because I'm not used to large family (and Cesar's is pushing 30 just with his parents, sib and their families) but I had a great time, and I could see how close Cesar is to them, and they are supportive and happy people. And happy to meet me. And really just happy that their son/brother/uncle is happy.
I have more to write but you probably all stopped reading ages ago, and Chaz is restless.
Hope you all had good Christmases!
-B
Friday, December 26, 2008
Real fast...
I know this is supposed to be my first theme blog day, but I need to set up some new gadgetry in order to do the blog right, and I haven;t had time to set it up so the first blog I'll hopefully do this weekend and you can all just pretend it's Friday ;)
Oh plus, I have a long blog to write all about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no time to write at the moment, so later. Major happenings tho.
*hugs*
---b
Oh plus, I have a long blog to write all about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no time to write at the moment, so later. Major happenings tho.
*hugs*
---b
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
No one will read this until after Christmas, but anyway....
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*massive amounts of blog love to everyone*
*e-cakes and e-cookies for everyone*
Who wants some nog?
(I actually think egg nog tastes like crap)
OK, until after Christmas,
BBBYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-b
*massive amounts of blog love to everyone*
*e-cakes and e-cookies for everyone*
Who wants some nog?
(I actually think egg nog tastes like crap)
OK, until after Christmas,
BBBYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-b
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Cesar update
aBecause I have a minute and because I seem to be getting into updating my blog lately, I thought I'd write up an update for the blog elves (well Lady with a View and the blog elves, because Lady informed me she's not an elf [but she's stil a blog elf]).
Like I said, Cesar came over last night to make the buckeyes (yum and yum!) and (get ready to vomit or say awwww!, depending on your mood), he brought presents!
First of all, he brought little stockings for munchkins, even the mini-munchkin, which I thought was really cute because it was filled with little hats and a onesy, and Chas' had little toys, and I dunno, it was just really cute....and I promise I'm not trying to get all queer about this, but I totall had a (silent) awwwwww! moment.
Plus, he brought card and some wine from his Mom (who I've yet to meet) and tells me to open it then.
Anyways, not to belabor, but she wrote in the card how she's heard about me and how I was making her son happy. And then I lost my cool and was all (publicly) awwww!. And she wrote that she expected to meet me soon andf maybe around Christmas.
And I have to say, there's a chance that if I wasn't so into him (and I didn;t know he was into me) I might be creeped out by it, but it just came across as sweet. And, I guess somewhat selfishly, it's nice to know that she "likes" me and she doesn't even know me. I mean, it means she cares about her son.
That means something to me. Like, if we do get together longterm, there'll be support there, you know?
Ugghh, I'm feeling way too queer right now.... heheh
But, so we made the buckeyes, and it was just nice.
Drama-free.
Ideal.
He spent the night. And aside from the bedroom (which was NICE -- but I'll spare the details since most of the elves are hetrosexual mommies and I don't know if that's a detail kind of crowd), it was nice to sleep-sleep with someone I have a connection with. AND, he wasn't weird about sleeping on my chest.
I've had such a stitastic year in spots that I'm not accustomed to being this happy -- but I'm not complaining ;)
And he'll be here in an hour so I have to get the munchkins to bed if I can and go shower.
Later
-B
Like I said, Cesar came over last night to make the buckeyes (yum and yum!) and (get ready to vomit or say awwww!, depending on your mood), he brought presents!
First of all, he brought little stockings for munchkins, even the mini-munchkin, which I thought was really cute because it was filled with little hats and a onesy, and Chas' had little toys, and I dunno, it was just really cute....and I promise I'm not trying to get all queer about this, but I totall had a (silent) awwwwww! moment.
Plus, he brought card and some wine from his Mom (who I've yet to meet) and tells me to open it then.
Anyways, not to belabor, but she wrote in the card how she's heard about me and how I was making her son happy. And then I lost my cool and was all (publicly) awwww!. And she wrote that she expected to meet me soon andf maybe around Christmas.
And I have to say, there's a chance that if I wasn't so into him (and I didn;t know he was into me) I might be creeped out by it, but it just came across as sweet. And, I guess somewhat selfishly, it's nice to know that she "likes" me and she doesn't even know me. I mean, it means she cares about her son.
That means something to me. Like, if we do get together longterm, there'll be support there, you know?
Ugghh, I'm feeling way too queer right now.... heheh
But, so we made the buckeyes, and it was just nice.
Drama-free.
Ideal.
He spent the night. And aside from the bedroom (which was NICE -- but I'll spare the details since most of the elves are hetrosexual mommies and I don't know if that's a detail kind of crowd), it was nice to sleep-sleep with someone I have a connection with. AND, he wasn't weird about sleeping on my chest.
I've had such a stitastic year in spots that I'm not accustomed to being this happy -- but I'm not complaining ;)
And he'll be here in an hour so I have to get the munchkins to bed if I can and go shower.
Later
-B
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Merry Chi$tmas!
For whatever reason, this year, more than any other year, I've spent a hell of a lot more money on Christmas presents.... And this is probably because of a combination of reasons:
1. For all my hesitation and trepedation this year (and most years), I love Christmas, and I love buying people presents and watching them open them and seeing them happy.
2. The munchkin and the mini-munchkin have made me go overboard for sure. I can't help it tho, they are my boys and I love them. And Chaz is so excited for Santa and Christmas this year!
3. I have a lot of friends here and I don't want to forget any of them. Ultimately, I don't feel right not getting gifts for my friends, even the ones I'm not uber close to. For each of those type of friemds this year I got a giftcard and am going to make a platter full of edible goodies. You don't even wanna know how much I spent on giftcards, haha.
4. There is, of course, my family, and I feel like, even tho they drive me insane, a lot of them have had a tough year so I'm splurging on them. My fam meaning my Mom, my one brother, my sister, my other brother and his wife.
5. And, last but not least, there's Cesar, who I have a feeling is getting me something major, so I have to match that. Not that I don't ultimately love shopping in situations like these.
Ah well, it's just money, right?
Later tonight Cesar is coming over and we are going to make buckeyes (a peanutbutter mixture, rolled in rice krispies and coated in choclate). I know you all want some :) They're pretty awesome actually, and are my one holiday indulgence, And the poor, deprived Cesar has never had them before! So I must introduce him to buckeyes, haha!
Ah, also, FYI, after Christmas I'm going to write a new kind of blog, one like I'vve never written before. But no hints! The blog elves will have to wait :)
1. For all my hesitation and trepedation this year (and most years), I love Christmas, and I love buying people presents and watching them open them and seeing them happy.
2. The munchkin and the mini-munchkin have made me go overboard for sure. I can't help it tho, they are my boys and I love them. And Chaz is so excited for Santa and Christmas this year!
3. I have a lot of friends here and I don't want to forget any of them. Ultimately, I don't feel right not getting gifts for my friends, even the ones I'm not uber close to. For each of those type of friemds this year I got a giftcard and am going to make a platter full of edible goodies. You don't even wanna know how much I spent on giftcards, haha.
4. There is, of course, my family, and I feel like, even tho they drive me insane, a lot of them have had a tough year so I'm splurging on them. My fam meaning my Mom, my one brother, my sister, my other brother and his wife.
5. And, last but not least, there's Cesar, who I have a feeling is getting me something major, so I have to match that. Not that I don't ultimately love shopping in situations like these.
Ah well, it's just money, right?
Later tonight Cesar is coming over and we are going to make buckeyes (a peanutbutter mixture, rolled in rice krispies and coated in choclate). I know you all want some :) They're pretty awesome actually, and are my one holiday indulgence, And the poor, deprived Cesar has never had them before! So I must introduce him to buckeyes, haha!
Ah, also, FYI, after Christmas I'm going to write a new kind of blog, one like I'vve never written before. But no hints! The blog elves will have to wait :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Still blissed out....
TalkeI've been wanting to write a blog for a while but haven't had time or motivation till now...
Basically, a lot of good things have happened lately and I want to inform the blog elves! :)
First of all, the horrible mutant cold/sinus/phlegm/snot monster I had living inside me for the last forever it seems... is now dead. I killed it. And am feeling better.
Second, the day before yesterday Chaz came home from his Mom's and I finally got a munchkin hug which I was sorely missing. The next day Jensen followed and I got to see his cuteness mini-munchkin giggle. I have my boys home. Life is good.
Third, almost all my Christmas shopping is done, for real this time.
Fourth... Night before last, I was doing better but still feeling mad tired. I knew Cesar was coming over so I took a shower and passed out on the bed. He got here about 8 and end up waking me up and I was all out of it, hair all effed up every which way, looking all cracky (ok probably not that bad, but I remember being all dazed --- had been sleeping worse than normal).
Anyways, we were being snugglebunny cuddlewhores, and Cesar started rubbing my back which turned into a massage (and there was hot chocolate) which turned into a happy ending (really happy) which was promptly reciprocated.
And I was all *blissed out* frim the massage and tension relief and we just laid there talking.
I'm
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
for him. And we've talked. Talked. And I think he's liking me too, well, I know he is.
And I had a dream last night.... Where *gasp* I told him I wanted him for Christmas....haha
Which is like, totally cheesetastic, and I'd never say that in real life.
But, apparently, my dreams are like, an episode of One Tree Hill or something...
(does that make me Lucas?)
But seriously...
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
....
-B
Basically, a lot of good things have happened lately and I want to inform the blog elves! :)
First of all, the horrible mutant cold/sinus/phlegm/snot monster I had living inside me for the last forever it seems... is now dead. I killed it. And am feeling better.
Second, the day before yesterday Chaz came home from his Mom's and I finally got a munchkin hug which I was sorely missing. The next day Jensen followed and I got to see his cuteness mini-munchkin giggle. I have my boys home. Life is good.
Third, almost all my Christmas shopping is done, for real this time.
Fourth... Night before last, I was doing better but still feeling mad tired. I knew Cesar was coming over so I took a shower and passed out on the bed. He got here about 8 and end up waking me up and I was all out of it, hair all effed up every which way, looking all cracky (ok probably not that bad, but I remember being all dazed --- had been sleeping worse than normal).
Anyways, we were being snugglebunny cuddlewhores, and Cesar started rubbing my back which turned into a massage (and there was hot chocolate) which turned into a happy ending (really happy) which was promptly reciprocated.
And I was all *blissed out* frim the massage and tension relief and we just laid there talking.
I'm
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
for him. And we've talked. Talked. And I think he's liking me too, well, I know he is.
And I had a dream last night.... Where *gasp* I told him I wanted him for Christmas....haha
Which is like, totally cheesetastic, and I'd never say that in real life.
But, apparently, my dreams are like, an episode of One Tree Hill or something...
(does that make me Lucas?)
But seriously...
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
....
-B
Monday, December 15, 2008
I'm making cookies for Santa!
I actually have a lot of different things I want to write about for this blog, but my mind keeps going back to Christmas and the 1 million + things I still need to do between now and then.
Of course I still need to do some shopping... The munchkins are mostly done, and the sibs are done, but I need to get something for my Mom, which is always impossible since she'll tell me she doesn't want anything.
Whatevs...
Cesar and I have decided to be each other's person this Christmas. Because I don't know about you guys, but the prospect of not having someone special to buy for at Christmas is break-out-the-peanutbuttercups-depressing. Plus, things are going well between us. We are not far from being to that point anyway, I lelieve.
I need to do some shopping for him and I need to get on that...
This Christmas will probably be a mellow one. I probably won't see my sister (phew!) or my brother (blows!). And my other brother Kyle will probably just make an appearance in his Kyle way. Cesar has a big Christmas Eve thing with family so it looks like he will be around Christmas Day. Jenn and her parents will come over for the munchkins to see them. Random friends will drop by off and on.
I'm going to do a big dinner, that I still have to plan.
Next Monday at the bakery we are having a sort of promotion. For a certain amount purchase at the bakery (still figuring that out) customers will get free cookies for Santa.
That means a lot of stress for me, but I love it at the same time, so I can't complain.
I am stressed. But at the same time, I'm excited. Tonight I put up the kids' stockings. My Mom made ones with their names on them.
I used to think, I know I'm a Dad, but I don't feel very much like a Dad.
I think like that less and less lately. It's a big snotty, poopy, bakey, crazy-alchy sister stressball sometimes, but I am loving my life.
And I want to wish all the blog elves a Merry Christmas! I know a lot of you are struggling right now, but things will get better, however things work out. Be strong!
---Bri
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tagged! - Nicknames blog
Yay, I was tagged! O Mah Gaw!, I'm like, officially a part of the blogger community now!
(that was me being a valley boy for a second)
OK, all my nicknames:
Well, my name is Brian is any of you weren't sure.
Most people call me Bri, although technically it is a nickname
One person in my life once upon a time got away with calling me Bri Bri. No one else has, only her because she was so sweet about it and I liked to hear her say it. But no one else! I hate it.
I've always been a dancer and I used to step (the type of dancing that is popular on historically Black college campuses, not the step-dancing bullshit) I did it on my own with mostly Black guys as it turned out, but not related really to any college. Anyway, I got called names like Whitebread, snowflake, Vanilla Ice, Eminem. I actually like Whitebread. Whatever, I just kind of like it.
I had a friend in elementary school that was dyslexic and whenever he'd write my name he'd write it as Brain. So people started calling me Brain. That sucked.
Pugz, because of my nose. Although it's not like a pug nose, and no one has called me that in forever.
Several names like B and B-rian, and my 8th grade science teacher called me Big B, which I hated.
I used to work at a summer camp for AIDS and HIV-effected kids and a lot of them called me Mr. Brian. I always thought it was cute.
OK, I can't believe I am admitting this one, but no one is reading this, so whatever, right? Right? heheh
Well, in high school I had one of those LL Bean bags with my initials on them. BKW. Well one day this totally douchebag of a guy yells out in the hallway: "Burger King Whopper, those are your initials, Burger King Whopper." I turned around and gave him the I'm-slitting-your-throat-with-my-eyes-right-now looks. He called me that a couple after that whenever he saw me, but I hardly ever saw him.
OK, for funzies, I'll do my kids too.
I have two sons, the older 32 months on the 21st and the younger 4 months on the 19th. They both have two middle names. Older: Charles Lincoln Dominic and the younger Jensen Noah Riley.
Well, from the beginning we called my older son Chas or Chaz. No one calls him Charles. And most of my nicknames for him have to do him being young. Munchkin, Niblet, things like that. We also call him the Chazinator when he's being fussy or grumpy. I also call him Mini Pimpin' sometimes. I should probably stop that altogether because one day he's gonna ask me what it means, haha. But, seriously, he's such a little pimp. Ya, I should stop that. My ex used to call him Monkey.
Jensen we just call Jensen. We figure if when he grows up he hates his name then he has Noah or Riley to use if he wants to. I don;t have many nicknames for him yet. I call him Pooper, haha.
I'm probably forgetting some, but any of you that are still reading and probably bored ;)
(that was me being a valley boy for a second)
OK, all my nicknames:
Well, my name is Brian is any of you weren't sure.
Most people call me Bri, although technically it is a nickname
One person in my life once upon a time got away with calling me Bri Bri. No one else has, only her because she was so sweet about it and I liked to hear her say it. But no one else! I hate it.
I've always been a dancer and I used to step (the type of dancing that is popular on historically Black college campuses, not the step-dancing bullshit) I did it on my own with mostly Black guys as it turned out, but not related really to any college. Anyway, I got called names like Whitebread, snowflake, Vanilla Ice, Eminem. I actually like Whitebread. Whatever, I just kind of like it.
I had a friend in elementary school that was dyslexic and whenever he'd write my name he'd write it as Brain. So people started calling me Brain. That sucked.
Pugz, because of my nose. Although it's not like a pug nose, and no one has called me that in forever.
Several names like B and B-rian, and my 8th grade science teacher called me Big B, which I hated.
I used to work at a summer camp for AIDS and HIV-effected kids and a lot of them called me Mr. Brian. I always thought it was cute.
OK, I can't believe I am admitting this one, but no one is reading this, so whatever, right? Right? heheh
Well, in high school I had one of those LL Bean bags with my initials on them. BKW. Well one day this totally douchebag of a guy yells out in the hallway: "Burger King Whopper, those are your initials, Burger King Whopper." I turned around and gave him the I'm-slitting-your-throat-with-my-eyes-right-now looks. He called me that a couple after that whenever he saw me, but I hardly ever saw him.
OK, for funzies, I'll do my kids too.
I have two sons, the older 32 months on the 21st and the younger 4 months on the 19th. They both have two middle names. Older: Charles Lincoln Dominic and the younger Jensen Noah Riley.
Well, from the beginning we called my older son Chas or Chaz. No one calls him Charles. And most of my nicknames for him have to do him being young. Munchkin, Niblet, things like that. We also call him the Chazinator when he's being fussy or grumpy. I also call him Mini Pimpin' sometimes. I should probably stop that altogether because one day he's gonna ask me what it means, haha. But, seriously, he's such a little pimp. Ya, I should stop that. My ex used to call him Monkey.
Jensen we just call Jensen. We figure if when he grows up he hates his name then he has Noah or Riley to use if he wants to. I don;t have many nicknames for him yet. I call him Pooper, haha.
I'm probably forgetting some, but any of you that are still reading and probably bored ;)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The blog I've been avoiding til now....
OK blog elves, I am officially requesting feedback again, so if you're reading this I'd appreciate it if you stick with it and comment when you're done.
This is the blog I've been avoiding writing, because I've been in denial about its subject matter. But recent events have jolted me out of my happy denial.
Christmas...is going to suck this year. And not because of anything I've done, or anything that has happened to me or the kids, etc., etc.
It's because of my sister...
My friends and long time readers will know that I'm not close to my sister. She makes things very...difficult.
She's an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She's 36 and has probably been a full blown alcoholic for about the last 8 years, and had a drinking problem since she was 18. But she's one of those extra-fun alcoholics whose in total denial. Even after several DUIs which resulted in long periods of her losing her liscense, and being so desperate for a drink that she's drank mouthwash, cooking wine and hand sanitizer, she still refuses to admit she's dependant, addicted.
She likes to say that she's in a dark place. Yes, the dark place of...alcoholism.....hatefulness, bitterness, alienation by design.
But this month she's found out that she's likely going to be getting a divorce.
She has been married about five years...to my brother ibn law who I've never really liked or been close to because he's always seemed shady to me...and he's a big pussy too, but I digress.
Amyway....
She's been scared into temporary sobriety because she says she says she wants to fight for her marriage.
I want to be supportive, but knowing all of the history, and being witness to it, I can't help thinking she deserves to get a divorce. After all the horrible shit she's done to me, and people I love, the way she's skated thru life consequance-free with slaps on the wrist, the way my mother always bails her out and takes nothing but abuse for it, I'm just a little happy she's finally gonna have to pay the piper.
And that also makes me feel crappy.
So I try to be supportive. I called her last night and told her I knew what she was dealing with sucked, but whatever the outcome, it was good that she wasn't drinking, and I wanted her to keep not drinking because then she'd be healtier.
I worry about her because she looks horrible. She's not healthy and she's stick-thin. She's in her mid 30s and looks like she is in her mid to late 40s.
I want to be supportive because I love her.
I have kids tho and the business and a social life. I have a life. And spending too much time around my sister, she becomes like a cancer.
What do I do????
How can I make this Christmas not suck, aside from totally avoiding her? (which, by the way, is an impossibility in my family since my mother won't allow that)
Do any of you have experience or insight?
I want to have a good Christmas. I want it drama-free, but I know my sister will make it drama central.
I want to be with the people I love and have a Christmas to remember for good reasons.
Lil' help here??
This is the blog I've been avoiding writing, because I've been in denial about its subject matter. But recent events have jolted me out of my happy denial.
Christmas...is going to suck this year. And not because of anything I've done, or anything that has happened to me or the kids, etc., etc.
It's because of my sister...
My friends and long time readers will know that I'm not close to my sister. She makes things very...difficult.
She's an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She's 36 and has probably been a full blown alcoholic for about the last 8 years, and had a drinking problem since she was 18. But she's one of those extra-fun alcoholics whose in total denial. Even after several DUIs which resulted in long periods of her losing her liscense, and being so desperate for a drink that she's drank mouthwash, cooking wine and hand sanitizer, she still refuses to admit she's dependant, addicted.
She likes to say that she's in a dark place. Yes, the dark place of...alcoholism.....hatefulness, bitterness, alienation by design.
But this month she's found out that she's likely going to be getting a divorce.
She has been married about five years...to my brother ibn law who I've never really liked or been close to because he's always seemed shady to me...and he's a big pussy too, but I digress.
Amyway....
She's been scared into temporary sobriety because she says she says she wants to fight for her marriage.
I want to be supportive, but knowing all of the history, and being witness to it, I can't help thinking she deserves to get a divorce. After all the horrible shit she's done to me, and people I love, the way she's skated thru life consequance-free with slaps on the wrist, the way my mother always bails her out and takes nothing but abuse for it, I'm just a little happy she's finally gonna have to pay the piper.
And that also makes me feel crappy.
So I try to be supportive. I called her last night and told her I knew what she was dealing with sucked, but whatever the outcome, it was good that she wasn't drinking, and I wanted her to keep not drinking because then she'd be healtier.
I worry about her because she looks horrible. She's not healthy and she's stick-thin. She's in her mid 30s and looks like she is in her mid to late 40s.
I want to be supportive because I love her.
I have kids tho and the business and a social life. I have a life. And spending too much time around my sister, she becomes like a cancer.
What do I do????
How can I make this Christmas not suck, aside from totally avoiding her? (which, by the way, is an impossibility in my family since my mother won't allow that)
Do any of you have experience or insight?
I want to have a good Christmas. I want it drama-free, but I know my sister will make it drama central.
I want to be with the people I love and have a Christmas to remember for good reasons.
Lil' help here??
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
NO!
As you get older you realize that words like can't or no are ones that are effectively relegated to children.
"No, you can't stay up because Daddy says so."
"No, you can't have a cookie now, wait til after dinner."
Sure, adults have limitations on a case by case basis. Adults have things they can't do, aren't able to do. But for the most part, if you're of age and self-sufficient then you can do what you want. You can do anything.
Well, maybe not anything...
But, regardless, this has been my sort of motto for a long time. I can do or have anything that I want, as long as I want it enough and am willing to work for it.
Yes, I know there are exceptions...but fuck the exceptions.
Long before there was a Chaz or a Jensen (my kids), when I told my family and friends I wanted, and was going to have kids, so many of them said, "YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS, YOU'RE GAY!"
(or something to that extent)
But I did it, and now, even tho sometimes being a largely single dad (their Mom is in the picture on a limited basis) blows antelopes, I freakin' love it at the same time. It sounds cliche, but it's true what they say, after a while, you can't imagine your life without your kids.
And when I said I was going to start a business, some friends/family doubted my abilities, but I did it. Now I have a successful business AND two adorable munchkins.
I approach relationships with the same additude.
Although I haven't been as successful in that area (my last two boyfriends, including the last who I went as far as marrying, cheated on me), I still have the additude that I can have a long term monogamous, healthy relationship if I want it badly enough and am willing to work and be smart about it.
This is what I want, and I WILL have it, eventually.
The few longterm blog readers I have will remember Cesar, who my friend Janelle set me up with, who easily sailed past Russian Pizza Guy and Krayzee Phone-Stealing Drew.
OK, in retrospect, maybe they weren't much competition for him. But you guys know that at one point, Drew was.
But as I've been spending more time with Cesar, he's been making me remember what I want for myself. He's been making me forget about Mike and all the hurt, making it easier to let it go.
I've just been thinking about all this the last few days and wanted to write it down.
We've been talking a lot....
We shall see what happens...
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Overzealous and understimulated....
I've been cleaning all weekend...
I've been cleaning out the drawers in my old room...the room I last used in high school...the room that is perpetually stuck in the late 90s.
I did find a lot of things, some funny, some HIGHlarious, some nostalgic....and I thought I'd blog about it for the blog elves.
Among the things I found were:
-old tapes (vanilla ice, mc hammer, paula abdul, gloria estefan, the lion king soundtrack, why I hadthat I don't know)
-a big plastic bag filled with hemp and beads from my help bracelet and necklace-wearing phaze
-a funny sign I had forgotten my brother got me with a dancing rooster on it and GAY COCK written in bubble letters
-a huge amount of CDs from my techno/raver phaze
-various toys (Madlibs, Mad Balls, a Rubix Cube)
-the issue of Out Magazine about Matthew Shepherd
-a walkie talkie-shaped toy with buttons that when pressed spit out Mr. T saying (like Shaddep Fool! which I couldn;t stop pressing and laughing until Chaz took it from me and called me Silly Daddy)
-letters from people I can no longer rember who the fuck they are or why I have the letters in the first place (sorry random people!)
-a badass collection of Pound Puppies that Chaz promptly stole
-majorly skunked weed and a tiny bottle of vodka that I think was my friend Kim's, trashed that quickly
-a majorly embarassing collection of XY magazines from when I was just a gayby that I promptly pitched after thumbing thru and laughing
-an old book of poems I wrote a million years ago
-old notes to bfs in high school
-a majorly funny old note me and my hs bf cam wrote together solidifying our undying love for eachother, haha. we're not together now, but still good friends (I still love you, cam!)
-embarassing whatnots from my obsession with Dawson's Creek
-a million random phone numbers with names of guys I can't place
-a book about Louie Armstrong, who I used to obsessed with for some odd reason
-lots of small bottles of lube
needless to say I had great fun looking thru my old shit before tossing a lot of it, and remembering what a slut I was, haha
Merry 18 days till Christmas!
Now I'm going to go have some real fun, yay!
I've been cleaning out the drawers in my old room...the room I last used in high school...the room that is perpetually stuck in the late 90s.
I did find a lot of things, some funny, some HIGHlarious, some nostalgic....and I thought I'd blog about it for the blog elves.
Among the things I found were:
-old tapes (vanilla ice, mc hammer, paula abdul, gloria estefan, the lion king soundtrack, why I hadthat I don't know)
-a big plastic bag filled with hemp and beads from my help bracelet and necklace-wearing phaze
-a funny sign I had forgotten my brother got me with a dancing rooster on it and GAY COCK written in bubble letters
-a huge amount of CDs from my techno/raver phaze
-various toys (Madlibs, Mad Balls, a Rubix Cube)
-the issue of Out Magazine about Matthew Shepherd
-a walkie talkie-shaped toy with buttons that when pressed spit out Mr. T saying (like Shaddep Fool! which I couldn;t stop pressing and laughing until Chaz took it from me and called me Silly Daddy)
-letters from people I can no longer rember who the fuck they are or why I have the letters in the first place (sorry random people!)
-a badass collection of Pound Puppies that Chaz promptly stole
-majorly skunked weed and a tiny bottle of vodka that I think was my friend Kim's, trashed that quickly
-a majorly embarassing collection of XY magazines from when I was just a gayby that I promptly pitched after thumbing thru and laughing
-an old book of poems I wrote a million years ago
-old notes to bfs in high school
-a majorly funny old note me and my hs bf cam wrote together solidifying our undying love for eachother, haha. we're not together now, but still good friends (I still love you, cam!)
-embarassing whatnots from my obsession with Dawson's Creek
-a million random phone numbers with names of guys I can't place
-a book about Louie Armstrong, who I used to obsessed with for some odd reason
-lots of small bottles of lube
needless to say I had great fun looking thru my old shit before tossing a lot of it, and remembering what a slut I was, haha
Merry 18 days till Christmas!
Now I'm going to go have some real fun, yay!
Friday, December 5, 2008
What a difference a few weeks makes...
First of all, before I forget, I want to thank you all for the feedback you gave me on the blog I wrote before last. I'm feeling so much better about the whole situation, mostly due to my friends here in Philly and to all you loverly blog elves. So, Thank You! If I could, I wouldsend a cake to each and every one of you! What are your favorites? ;)
About Thanksgiving... It was surprisingly anti-climactic and welcomingly drama-free. It turned out that I got to see everyone that I wanted to see, and, wait for it....no one overstayed their welcome! My brother called late thenight before and surprised me with the news that he WOULD be coming with the sister-in-law, yay! And my other brother, I saw him TG night. My sister, she didn;t stay long.
Copious amount food were consumed, turkey comas were has by all, I actually had fun. I forget that sometimes it's possible for my whole family (minus sperm donor) to be together and actually have fun.
And you know what? Knock on wood, I think I'm getting over Mike, to a big extent anyway.
Really, time has passed and a few things have happened that have made it easier and put thing into perspective.
I'm opening up more to the idea of me and Cesar. We've been sending more time together. I don;t want to go on about shit and jinx it, but...
I like the way he makes me feel. I like laying on the sofa with him, just watching tv with my arm around him. I don't know what it's going to amount to, but I'm open, I'm happy...and I think I'm healed.
Even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sung in Spanish, piped in at the Mexican restaurant the other night didn;t get on my nerves... ;)
About Thanksgiving... It was surprisingly anti-climactic and welcomingly drama-free. It turned out that I got to see everyone that I wanted to see, and, wait for it....no one overstayed their welcome! My brother called late thenight before and surprised me with the news that he WOULD be coming with the sister-in-law, yay! And my other brother, I saw him TG night. My sister, she didn;t stay long.
Copious amount food were consumed, turkey comas were has by all, I actually had fun. I forget that sometimes it's possible for my whole family (minus sperm donor) to be together and actually have fun.
And you know what? Knock on wood, I think I'm getting over Mike, to a big extent anyway.
Really, time has passed and a few things have happened that have made it easier and put thing into perspective.
I'm opening up more to the idea of me and Cesar. We've been sending more time together. I don;t want to go on about shit and jinx it, but...
I like the way he makes me feel. I like laying on the sofa with him, just watching tv with my arm around him. I don't know what it's going to amount to, but I'm open, I'm happy...and I think I'm healed.
Even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sung in Spanish, piped in at the Mexican restaurant the other night didn;t get on my nerves... ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
