Distractingly Bombastic

Snowpocalypse 2010!!!!

2010-02-10T20:04:00.002-05:00

This snow is friggin' crazy!

Like, seriously.

SERIOUSLY!

We lost power for 2 and a half hours today -- tons of fun!

And I have heartburn from wicked cumin bean salad.

But ya, the snow, I can't even keep track of how much we've had this year. The heat actually freakin' went off because the vents got covered up by snow and that has NEVER happened!

Son of a nugget!

Oh my God, this blog is so stupid.

I'll do better next time

Love you, ----Me

Yes, it's a NEW Blog Post!

2010-02-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

I guess it's been a hot minute since I posted last... More like six months if anyone is counting, and I imagine no one is, except maybe one or two of you...out there in Blogland.

As always, I'm not dead, just cyberly-maimed... The idea of actually spening a significant amount of time online for any sort of pleasure is a memory. Not that I'm complaining -- just explaining my absence.

I read my last blog and I laughed because that seems so long ago -- mostly because it was, all the way back in the summer.

But, anyways, today is a new day, a new month, a new year! I'm a bit older and, perhaps, a bit wiser. And last night and today it snowed around two feet and we're stuck in tonight so it seems like a good time to attempt an update.

Cesar and I are still together and still living together (go us!) For once in my life, drama seems to be a thing of the past. And one of these days I won't even think to mention that when I write a blog or talk to an old friend, but for right now it's still very noteworthy and somewhat hard to believe.

The kiddos are GREAT! Chas will be 4 in April which is so crazy since it seems like it all started yesterday. Jensen is almost 18 months old, shy a few weeks. I remember when I used to be so impatient for the kids to get older so they'd be like "little people." Now I want it all to slow down. Now all I see if the future and them getting older and it scares me. I know as new things happen I will be fine but I can't help being a protective Poppa Bear...at least that's what Cesar calls me.

Business is still good and we are loving it. More on that in the next blog because it turns out I don't have as much time as I thought I would to write this.

Actually, if I had one complaint it would be that I am spread too thin... But that is my doing and I am not complaining.

Just wanted to quickly say hello to Blogland, to anyone who might read this :)

Lots of things to say

2009-08-04T14:03:00.003-04:00

I've been wanting to write a blog for a long time and I haven't been able to get around to it....story of my life, I know. But I'm making time now, and this may be a longish blog so get comfy with your favorite beverage and settle in and start reading...

First of all, I want to tell blogland about this Sunday...like the *perfect* day for me and Cesar.

It was crazy shitty weather but the kind you don't mind basically all Saturday night. Lightning and rain...and by the morning it was thundering up a storm and raining, and although it should have been light out it was so dark that it might as well have been nighttime. Since I didn't have to worry about the bakery and I didn't have the munchkins, Cesar and I slept in like world class champs. Thankfully, no one called on the phone and, although we did eventually wake up enough for a little afternoon delight and lazy conversation, we didn't really get up till 4 PM. After a shower, we realized we were starving (ate an early dinner Saturday and nothing after so hadn't eaten in maybe 22 hours) so we made grilled cheese and lazed on the couch watching old movies.

We did absolutely nothing all day and it was a great day. I love days when you don;t have any responsibilities and the munchkin-sized responsibilities you do have happen to be being taken care of by their Mom. :)

---

Speaking of Cesar, this might sound funny, but something happened that I guess is bad, but it actually made me feel good. I've talked about this before in other blog posts...that Cesar's fam is sooo accepting of me and is really cool. Well....I found the exception to the rule.

This was a week ago I guess we went a get together for Cesar's fam, it was a combined summer thing/his cousin's anniversary/and uncle's birthday deal. ANYWAYS....... I "met" one of Cesar's aunts, and the quotes are especially appropriate because she never introduced herslf, she just walked up to me and started verbally spewing at me. I only found out later she was his aunt.

I was getting some food and walks up to me and the jist of what she said was... if Cesar HAS to be a faggot, he alteast shouldn't be with a guy who's white, and doesn't belong. She told me several different ways that I didn't belong.

Cesar made a beeline for us and he wasn't yelling but he was speaking emphatically in Spanish and it was obvious he wasn;t happy and he wasn't being kind to her. She was puttering and (I could tell) being hateful and I was standing there *shocked*, somewhat amused, and wishing I could speak Spanish a hell of a lot better than I can)

Well then Cesar's Mom got involed (in English -- and I think she did this specifically so I'd know what she said) and ripped this bitch a new one. Let';s just say, Cesar's Mom didn;t leave anything to the imagination about how she felt about this woman (who is an in-law, some way or another). She defended both Cesar and me, which made me feel good on a couple levels. Good that she's not the kind of woamn that tolerates shit like that, and good that she thinks enough of me to be insulted, and defend me. And also that she defended Cesar. Because I was pretty pissed and definitely had some choice words for the aunt, but I'm not gonna potentially embarass any number of people by having a verbal throwdown at a family gathering.

But, end of story, the aunt left in a huff, and Cesar and his Mom (and others too) apologized for the way she had acted. I mean, no one likes to hear the kind of things she said, and I'm sure if I knew word for word what she said in Spanish I'd have even less happy, but I was happy in a way because now I know of atleast one whackjob in his family, and that makes them seem more normal to me, it makes their acceptable, which was so overwhelming to me for a while (and still is sometimes) seem okay to me since I know not everyone feels that way.

Was that a massive run-on? Oh well

---

I've beem playing around with formulating a good recipe for sweet and sour ham for the restaurant. I think I'be got a good recipe, but I tend to like it hot and I put a good amount of tobasco in it. I wish I could get samples to everyone in blogland for input. I'm going to have friends over to try it once I perfect it.

---

More later! Bye bye blogland!

---B

Why I Shy Away from the Vah-jayjay!....

2009-07-18T16:08:00.002-04:00

I love lots of things anout women and about my female friends. Most times, I love the way they smell. For some reason, I love to walk into a bathroom after a woman has gotten ready in it. I love the way women can be great confidantes... I love the way I've seen some women in my life be so effortlessly maternal that it shocks me.

But I don't love women as far as realtionships go, and I don't choose to be in relationships with women. And I actually do have some experience in that department, so I can compare a heterosexual relationship to a gay one. At least, I believe I can.

To digress a bit, I don;t want to get into a blog debate about why I'm gay, or why I choose to have relationships with men, but I will admit this: It's not because I'm repulsed by a woman's genetalia, because I'm not. And again, I've seen quite a few, in the flesh.

Of course you could say that I choose relationships with men because I'm attracted to them, because I lust after them, because I feel more comfortable around them and relate to them, and you'd be right. That's the easy, no=brain answwer, and not the point of this blog.

Fundamentally, I choose relationships with men as opposed to women because, as a "species" I know how men think. Men, even gay men, are more straightforward in the way they deal with people. At least this is my experience.

Let me explain before you click the little X....

It's been my experience in general that with women (and I am pulling on experiences with, for example, my mom, sister, female friends, female rmployees, other female relatives and females relatives of my *current* and exes, etc), a man can never really know what a woman is thinking, or even if he thinks he knows he is probably wrong, and if he is, heaven forbid, a woman expects a man to be a mind reader. A mind reader and psychic, I think.

If something is wrong, I'm of a mind to think, "let's get it out in the open, let's just deal with it now so it can be over with." Let's NOT be made to play bs games like, well, you should know what the problem and if you don't lmow then I'm not going to tell you.

---

I'm niot saying these kinds of things never happen with me, just in my experience, much less often.

And yes, something happened in my life to prmpt this blog, specifically with my mother and sister, but I'm too pissed off at this moment to recount that.

Maybe a later blog, or better yet, next time I blog I'll be in a better mood altogether.

A Real Blog Post, For Real, I Swear!

2009-07-09T20:03:00.002-04:00

First off, Kalei, I'm still laughing from reading your comment to my last blog, heheh. I am alive, but I think it was you who predicted it'd be July 4th before I wrote a blog... Was it you? Whoever it was, they were right. But better late than never. Or so I assume...

OK peoples... Obviously the idea that I might update this blog with any regularlarity in the forseeable future is...laughably unrealistic. But, I still love my blog people...all 11 of you, yay! (Even the ones that never comemnt) Whatever, I haven't commented on any of yours in months ;) Oops! :P

So, to the actual blog!

The reason I haven't written for a while, what it boils down to, is that I don't have any time. I don't have any, any, any, any, ANY time to myself nowadays and I just kind of forgot about my blog. But also...and this is the big difference, I don't have any crazy angry-ape-beating-his-chest drama to report.

I'm happy. We're happy. We've actually made a little family unit. Cesar and I and the munchkins, Chas and Jensen. And a booger of a cat named Oakley.

I know now that I can honestly say that I have left behind the drama of my past relationships, and I don't miss anything...anyone. I don't even want to mention my exes' names, they are chapters of my book, long ago written and sent to the presses, no change or desire to go back.

Of course, not everything is perfect with me and Cesar. We argue. He nags. His family butts in. My family butts in. He's fiery one instant and an extreme calming influence the next. He lets me be the protector I've accepted that I need to be. We rarely go to bed mad. Stress is a constant, but it doesn't bother me or him like it has, at least for me, in the past (in other relationships).

Chas has come to view Cesar as...not another father, but I think as "Daddy's person", and this makes me very happy. He hasn't said anything about Mike is quite a while, another little something that makes me very happy.

Cesar has told me that our 30s will be a hell of a lot better and happier than our 20s were... That reminds me of something I want to admit in blogland. Cesar and I have talked to each other, frankly, about our pasts. I told him about the parts of my childhood and adolescence that weren't so shiny and and happy, and I didn't gloss over them and pretend they weren't a big deal. Cesar told me about things in his childhood and past that will remain sacred here. For me, for us, it was cathartic but easy.

Like I've said in the past, to steal Danny's expression, the Brown people agree with me ;) I don;t think Cesar likes that I sometimes (playfully) refer to his people as the Brown people. He tells me that not all of them are all that Brown. That always makes me laugh, and I'm laughing now thinking of it ;)

I will end there because it seems a good spot to end for now. I will TRY to write more soon. Soonish. Something closely resembling soon.

Love to the blog elves! Muppet Soul, Rambler, Kalei, Penz. Of course Danny, but you are only a semi blog elf ;)

Good night!

-Bri

Blog Vacation

2009-06-15T23:18:00.002-04:00

Hello bgloggy kids!!!

So.....I guess I haven't blogged in two months???

It seems like longer.

I've been on a blog vacation...and I enjoy my vacations. But, I'm back! Or at least I'm gonna try to be back....

Seems like I remember blogging could be fun ;)

Must...blog...more often!

*promises to blog on a regular basis*

updates soon!

Easter bo beaster banana fana fo FEASTER!

2009-04-12T11:12:00.002-04:00

Blogmonkeys,

I honestly don't think I'm exxagerating when I say that I could feed all of North America with the Easter feast that has been prepared today. It's INSANE!

Must go and be a good daddy/host but wanted to wish all blogolites a Happy Easter!

Easter blog forthcoming!

*love*

-DB (Bri)

Temptation Island

2009-04-08T23:22:00.002-04:00

Blogger kids, I need to vent.

In the last week and a half 8 of my exes and/or my past sexual partners and/or fuckbuddies have run into me (6) or called me (2) and half of them have hit on me and/or thrown themselves at me and the other half looked hot as fiznuck.

I'm saying...I'm a good boy, I'm the poster child for fidelity, but I also feel like I'm walking around with a friggin' permaboner. And aside from that, ever since Cesar moved in I feel like a 14-year-old. Cesar actually requested a rest tonight haha, he's so sore.

Oh my god, this is not what I'd normally blog about...

Basically, I'm always horny, I don't do well at all if I have to go much time without sex, but lately it's worse than normal. And all the ghosts from my sexual past are not helping!

This blog really has no point...I just needed to write a blog. I hope the soccer Moms are not offended. After all, sex happens :)

Blog

2009-03-29T13:43:00.002-04:00

Coming tonight

I am doing this because it will force me to write one.

PS...what does monetize mean?

PS again....I used to have 12 blog elves.... One died... What happened?????

I'm out of the blog loop, but I am blogging tonight a real blog. So stay tuned peoples!

Not Me Mondays!

2009-03-16T11:28:00.002-04:00

I really want to write a real blog, but I feel I need to ease myself back into blogging, and I've always wanted to write one of these blogs. Plus, I can tell you what I've done lately...I mean, not done, definitely not done.

I definitely did not buy a pack of American Spirits and chain smoke five cigarettes before becoming disgusted and throwing out the pack. I did not do this, because I never smoke, not even in times of stress.
I did not run into an ex f*ck buddy in the bookstore and end up splitting a piece of cake with him while letting him flirt with me. I did not eventually have to remind him that I am in a relationship.
I did not have a mini work-related, stress-induced shit fit freak out session. I did not go off on some of my employees because I'm never that kind of boss.
Speaking of, I'm not up to my ears in orders. I should not be doing something productive and work related and I'm no0t sitting here typing this blog instead.
I did not going looking for houses in person and I'm not majorly anxious to get the ball rolling on this house-hunting thing.
Cesar and I are not embarassingly obsessed with American Idol this year. We do not already have our favorites. We are not so freaking happy that Tatiana and Nathan are not on. We do not think Norman Gentle got robbed or that he was so freakin' funny. We are not already totaly looking forward to tomorrow night. We do not think that other people might think that this makes us a little pathetic.
Oh my god, I almost forgot! I did not see the cutest little person couple while out shopping. They were not holding hands and and being all lovey dovey about each other. It was not even cuter because they were small. I do not have an obsession with little people. I never watch Little People, Big World. I do not want to visit a town I heard about where only little people live. I do not think that this would make me feel like a complete giant.
Speaking of, in one day I did not spend over $1200 in groceries and at the mall, shopping, etc. I did not do that because it would be a waste. Also, in the same day, Cesar did not spend hust about the same amount on clothes, gadgets and other odds and ends.
After we finished not shopping, we did not go out for pizza and eat a large pizza between the two of us.
A few hours after not eating that pizza, we did not watched a rented movie and eat a whole bag of Oreos between us.
We did not feel like huge fat asses afterwards. We did not excercise all the next day.
Speaking of, I did not get all excited when I did not see a new bakery that I never knew existed. And I want not hugely disaapointed when everything I order tasted average to gross. I was not later told by a friend that this bakery is known for its cakes and not the crap I ordered. Still, I don;t plan on trying any cakes, because they'd probably be average o gross too.
I do not need a nap. I do not wish Cesar was here to snuggle.

Blogulous Maximus!

2009-03-13T22:49:00.002-04:00

I haven't been on Blogger in forever. UI haven;t blogged or read blogs, and I wish I had several hours to read all the blogs I want to catch up on but I don;t have the time so it's not gonna happen.

I'm not dead...just mentally maimed...

I was going to try to be clever and write a real blog but I'm exhausted. I'm just gonna be cheap and say hello and hi and hey you, I'm still here.

I love the blogheads and will try to write a real blog soon.

*bloglove*

(I know this is lame)

Shot in the face!

2009-02-23T23:07:00.002-05:00

The news is on in the other room. Someone was shot in the face. I hate when that happens....

As usual there are about a million things I want to write about. For one thing, I've been tagged twice, so I need to write those blogs....

Mike, I'm formulating the Ipod blog now...

But what I really want to talk about in this blog is Walmart and The Bachelor.

I don't usually go to Walmart, you know, what with Walmart being the devil and all. It's darksided!

But ya, today I had to go to pick up some supplies and I pull in the parking spot just in time to see the hilarity unfolding in the next row of parking spots (which I was facing)

Crazy lady #1 in a blue minivan had apparently stole a parking spot from crazy lady #2 in a red hatchback. Crazy #1 gets out of the car and Crazy 2's window is down and I notice crazy 2 has a crazy approx. 10 year old boy in the car with her.

2 accuses 1 of calling her a bitch. 1 laughs at 2 but says nothing. 2 says "did you tell me to go fuck myself? you go fuck yourself!" (I can see from my car that 1 said nothing) 2 drops the c bomb in a tirade that is too colorful for my blog. I am shocked and amused in my car. 2 drives off.

I get out and I laugh with 1 about how crazy 2 was.

Awfully foul-mouthed to have a kid in the car. But then, I was in a Walmart parking lot ;)

-----

And The Bachelor....

My ultimate shame by proxy is that my boyfriend *loves* this show The Bachelor.

The show is painfully hard to watch. What is the fascination? Why is this drivel still on the air? And I assume all the women have to be either mentally ill crackheads or straight up famewhores, either one.

I know we all have out guilty pleasures but I just can;t get behind this show. Maybe one of the blogheads can enlighten me.... :)

House hunting

2009-02-21T16:31:00.002-05:00

I did a bad thing...

I did something that I told myself I wouldn;t do until later, until it came closer to time to sell the house...

I looked online at houses that are on the market in my area.

And, this was the first time I had done this. Well, the first time since realizing I could sell the house for a fair price.

And I realized I'll have the money to buy the type of home I really want, like, I mean the tick-down-the-list, ideal-home kind of house I want.

And I found a house, online of course.

And I left a message for the realtor. And she called me back.

And I shouldn't have even looked. Because at least online I love the house. And there haven't been many bites since it's been on the market.

I'm not even gonna say anything else because I may hate it in person or it may have some fatal flaw, and of course I just bearly started looking, and I shouldn;t even be looking now until I'm closer to selling the house, and I may decide to move a little farther out from where I am now anyway...

But who cares? I'm excited and exhilerated that I can actually afford something that, it seems, I'd love to live in. Or, at least I'll be able to after the sale of my house now.

Yay for me!!!!!!!!!!

I'm giddy :)

Yay.

Bye blogheads!

Work-related drama --- FEEDBACK REQUESTED!

2009-02-18T22:58:00.002-05:00

Here's the deal....

I like to think of myself as a pretty good boss. I think I'm the kind of boss that people like to work for. I'm a hardass on a few things, but I also care a lot about my employees and I try to accomadate them when I can when they deserve it.

OK so, the basic dress for the bakery/restaurant is a polo shirt with the logo on it. And in the spring and summer I allow jeans (with no holes) and in the fall and winter dressier pants. The basic idea is that people look neat and put together.

OK so I have one guy that works for me, one of my gay employees that has had a hard time of it lately. I guess he never knew his dad and his mom died within the last year and he has several younger brothers and sisters he's taking care of. And most of them are a lot younger than him, almost like he is their father now.

He works a total of three jobs and I know money is tight.

Today I noticed that his pants had a hole at the knee and both pant legs were frayed at the bottoms. On his break I said something about it to him and he was really apologetic and promised not to wear the pants to work anymore and to buy new as soon as he had the money.

I eventually offered to take him to the mall after his shift and buy him some pants. I know he woks hard, and he's one of my favorite people, and I explained that it was a kind of reward for a valued employee. Plus, I reasoned to myself that in the grand scheme of things a few pairs of pants is not a lot of money to me, but it'd be good for him and he could really use them.

So later we went to the mall and he picked out some pants, very thankful, probably shy about accepting them, but happy I think. We ended up eating at the mall too because we were both hungry and I wanted to make sure he had a good meal. Ruby Tuesday's., no big deal.

Anyways after dinner I am driving him back to his car.

At one point I am looking off to the left, getting ready to change lanes, not paying attention to him, and all the asudden he's kissing the side of my neck and sliding his hand over to my junk.

I instictively shifted away and removed his hand and turned my head and gave him a "WTF" look.

I said something like, "Dude, I'm your boss, AND I have a boyfriend." (And, in case you're wondering, he already knew about Cesar)

But I instantly felt bad... If you could have seen the look on his face. Like, mortification, sadness, fear, and the oh-shit-I-fucked-up look.

He goes, "You're gonna fire me, oh shit, I don't want to lose the job, I like working for you", etc and started to tear up.

(FYI: crying makes me uncomfortable)

I said I wasn;t going to fire him.

He said, "I just wanted to thank you." and there was what I think was desperation in his voice.

It kind of broke my heart because I understood. I would have hugged him if I wasn't his boss and we were just friends.

I said, "There are other ways you could thank me, like....saying thank you." In my tone of voice I tried to make it like a joke so he'd laugh and break the tension.

But it fbackfired and he started crying harder. Told me how much stress he was under taking care of his sibs, and how he had to keep it together for them, how he couldn't just go to the mall and buy new clothes because his money had to go to so many other more imprtant things.

And I understood without any other words that he honestly felt that anything sexual between us would have been a thank you from him, and stress relief I imagine. Of course it wasn't gonna happen.

I let him talk some more and listened. Before too long I had made it to the parking lot where his car was.

He apologized again and before he got out I couldn;t help it and I hugged him and told him if there was anything I could do as his boss I'd try to help him out, and not to worry, his job was safe.

Then he got out and got his his car and drove off.

So like....feedback:

A. Did I do anything wrong, not bosslike?
B. I gotta say something to him Friday when he works next. I might just reiterate what I already said Ideas????????

I love Valentine's Day

2009-02-16T21:03:00.003-05:00

*****Edit: I meant to meantion, (even tho I didn;t really comment) I read all of your blogs and am glad all of you seemed to have funtimes of Valentine's Day! :)

OK, first of all, over the past week there have been about a million times when something happened and I thought, I should blog about that. But then one (or twelve) of those one million things got in the way of me blogging....and no blog.

But of course I'm going to blog about Valentine's Day (which I love. if it's not obvious from the title of this blog). So get ready, any blog elves who are part of the bitter masses who persist in believing that Valentine's is just another one of the Hallmark holidays, perpetuated on a witless public, just to make bank.

No, Valentine's is awesomely awesome, and I'll tell you why....

Because of Valentine's Day I now have a new member of our family: an adorable little cat, who we named Oakley.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had made up my mind to tell Cesar that I was going to have to work Saturday, and that I had something planned for Sunday. I got Janelle to help me by copming up with a sort of involved story about her breaking up with her bf, convientiently getting Cesar out of my hair so I could preapre the meal we'd have on Saturday, get his presents together, and fix the upstairs part of the restaurant all romantical-like.

He thought I was working...which was only a white lie, since I closed the restaurant early :)

I'm gonna try not to make this blog a novel...

Janelle dropped Cesar off at the restaurant at 7 as planned (we were meant to just go home and relax, etc, because we agreed we'd celebrate V Day on Sunday). But when he got there I was already upstairs (pretending to be getting ready to leave) and I asked him to come up.

Queue romantical dinner. I even gave one of my employees a little extra under the table to play waiter. Well, at the beginning, then I had him split.

Cesar was really touched and happy and started crying a little. (Which is so cute and funny because when Cesar gets emotional his accent gets thicker aand that always makes me smile)

We ate and talked and ate and talked and ate and talked...and recemented our relationship.

I again took some bloggy advice and gave Cesar a fake out gift. Went to the Dollar Store and found the saddest looking stuffed animal bird I could find. When he opened it up and saw it I pretended to be all excited and proud of myself and said, "It's so cute isn't it? It made me think of you!"

It was HIGHlarious, his reaction. He wa really trying to appear appreciative, but his face registered confusion and I just knew he was thinking what the eff is this????!

Then I asked him if he was ready for his real present and he started laughing so hard and punched my arm. Made me promise never to do that tio him again. Hmmmm....but it was fun :), we shall see.

But ya, I ended up deciding on a gift cert. for a couple's massage and a basket of edible goodies.

He was very happy and thankful and yay!, etc

***skipping romantical after hours workplace frolicking***

Anyway, afta, afta (think Mr. Miagi) we went home and I was just planning more and varied, involved frolicking at home, but as it turns out, I had a surprise waiting.

Mr. Cesar had surprised ME (something I'm not used to, but liked) with the bedroom and bath decked out all romatical-like (I love that expression). I got queerly motional for a hot minute and started tearing up. (Yes, I was very touched and excited).

There was a box on the bed I noticed right away that was....making noise, haha. Turned out to be an adorable little munchkin kitten which Cesar and I eventualyl named Oakley. Cesar was quick to point out that Oakley was *our* cat, which made me smile, haha.

He told me he's had the cat for a week, hidng it at his place, the sneaky monkey.

***more frolicking, etc, etc, etc.***

we ended up staying up most of the night talking and playing with the cat (and frolicking) because neither of us was tired, then we crashed in the morning and woke up in the after noon.

And that was our Valentine's, and that is why I love Valentine's Day ;)

(a pic of the sweet nugget kitten [who I am petting as I type] is coming :) )

I'm back ladies and gents with an update!

2009-02-08T23:05:00.002-05:00

Oh how I have missed the blogheads and how my fingers are itching to do some typing!

Yay, and I actually have some time!

This blog is all about decisions, and actually making them. You know, one of those fun adult things.

Within the past few weeks I have made some decisions, of course along with Baby Mama and Cesar where applicable:

1. If things are still going the way they are now, Cesar is going to move in with me in the Spring. March/April. He will have to sublet, but it's doable. I had thought that things would have to be handled more delicately with Chas, but he has warmed very quickly to Cesar. Chas seems so well-adjusted and I love that.

2. Baby Mama and I are gonna have another wee mini munchkin. This is something me and Jenn have been talking about since before Cesar was even a consideration, but he's very excited about the idea. I am continually amazed at how easy-going he seems. Of course, we're not even thinking about trying until a minimum of 12 to 18 months from now. After all, Jensen is only just shy of 6 months old. But we all think that three is definitely better than two.

3. I'm very close to deciding to sell my house and look for something new. I just found out that through a sort of loophole I can sell the house to the company that my Dad used to work for (thus getting a more than fair price) and then I can probably get way more house for my money in this market. I do absolutely love my house, but new would be better. Plus, starting fresh is good too --- lots of good emmories in this house but lots of bad ones too. Things to consider tho: can I find a place with the land I have now, and the privacy I have now? And it has to be in the same school district for the munchkins. Over all tho I think I'd be stupid not to take advantage of such a sweet deal.

4. I'm considering applying for an adjunct position at a local college in the fall. I'd like to try teaching, even one class to see if I'm any good, and I could do it if it was during the day. It's not like I need something else on my plate right now, but at the same time it's an exciting idea. We shall see.

5. I decided to take Kalei's suggestion (I think it was Kalei???) about Valentine's Day. I'm gonna make dinner for Cesar at the restaurant and fix up the upstairs real nice. I've already got a whole story planned so Cesar will be surprised and I've got a couple R-rated things planned that will stay unwritten here. Still need to figure out a gift to get him tho. Have some time for that. I know he's got something planned too. He's trying to b slick but I hear rumblings, haha. I'll keep you posted. Any ideas on the gift??????

I think that's it for the mo'.

Later people

.........Bri

Mission: Find A Roommate --- SUCCESS!

2009-01-27T21:34:00.002-05:00

Yes ladies and gents, it's true, I found a roommate and it wasn't even heinously painful or prolonged.

Her name is Sarah, mid 30s, kid-friendly (ex nanny), gay-friendly (can you say fag hag?), adorable (so cute!), and, most importantly, girlie makes bank and can pay the rent!

She won;t move in till the weekend, but I already know I'm gonna like her.

None of you can see me right now, but I'm skaing my butt, dancing in my chair typing :) I'm in a rare mood and have been listening to cheesetastic semi-boyband music all night. Right now it's JC Chasez's Blowing Me Up (With Her Love). Yes, I know, gay, but then I am, so...ya know, that's my excuse :)

Oh, and this weekend I had to cater a lunch and Cesar came along, which was really fun. Really, I just ha to drop off the edibles and do a couple things, but with both munchkins with their Mom we wnded up spening the whole day and night together,

Sunday we went to breakfast/brunch/lunch (what was it?) at Cesar's Mom's and I have to say I am really liking the whole big, supportive family thing. It's not taking me long to be used it, haha.

Bottom line, I am having fun right now... And it feels good, especially after weathering so many shitstorms.

Oh, and the reason for the pic....I need to figure out what to for Valentine's Day....grrr....and I'n not wanting to do anything cheesy or generic.....Ideas??????

I finally feel whole, I'm ME again!

2009-01-21T22:07:00.002-05:00

I've felt this coming for a long time. I've seen signs and felt certain elements falling into place. But now I feel like it's complete. I'm back to the way I was before....

Let me explain...

Generally, I was a happy kid. Yes, I went thru something that was traumatic around the age of 10 - 11, and something else at the age of 14, but I was happy. A happy kid and a happy teenager and a happy early 20 something: popular, care-free, happy.

About six years ago tho, things changed. I was betrayed by my best friend, who I loved boundarylessly, and I went from speaking to and seeing her almost every day to never seeing her or speaking to her again. And this effected me greatly. I became depressed like I never had before and never have since.

So a month after we stopped talking, unable to shake this depression and not liking what it was doing to me, I started going to therapy. At first it was all about my friend and how I felt about our situation, blah, blah, blah. But then it got into other things: my complex relationship with my parents, those events in my childhood/adolescence. And it waws a solid year before I quit therapy becayuse I felt like I didn;t need to go anymore. Make no mistake tho, I am eternally grateful to that therapist.

Skipping ahead, since then, as long term readers of my blog know, I had two main big relationships. Of course there were other guys, a lot of other guys, but two relationships that mattered. I like to think of them as sagas, really, because they were. And both, I've come to realize, were unhealthy, and I probably should not have been with them. And I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache.

During my relationships with Ben and Mike a lot of good and bad things happened.

I have two children who I love and adore and who give me stregnth. I have a business that I built from an idea in my head that started in my kitchen.

I've had ome relationships grew so strong with my friends, and some relationships with my family fractured beyond repair.

And as these two relationships withered and died, with no hope of repair, I was not happy. I was left with significant feelings of insecurity: Was it possibe or even realistic to hope for a guy who wouldn;t ultimaely cheat on me? Would I ever find someone who I'd know, without question, was with me for who I was, and not what I could do for them? Was it worth it, or should I just forget it and fuck my way thru a series of guys?

I was bitter, and I've been bitter. And not trusting. And with the mess that is my nuclear family, I found myself repeatedly focuing on the negative. Yes, certain things made me happy, but I was no longer at my core a happy, shiny person. I wasn;t ME anymore. And I didn;t tghink I was ever going to be.

I thought that I was forever changed by my past relationships and that I would never regain a certain optimism and hope.

I am and always will be a care-giver at my core. I like to be "the man" in the relationship taking care of my man, ya know? And I thought I'd never find someone who was worth that. Or who might actually take care of me a little bit. You know, because, just in the blog world, I'll admit I like that.

Since I've met Cesar I've felt ME coming back, in pieces. He makes me remember...

So it's only fitting that what I REALLY wanted to blog about, what this blog has been building up to...happened yesterday, the day Barack Obama was sworn, the day I was (and still am) feeling so hopeful and secure.

Cesar and I were sprawled out on the sofa with the munchkin and it was getting to be Chaz's bedtime and I told him so and started to take him up. We all went up and went thru all the normal rituals and finally got him to bed.

Chaz was in bed and Cesar and I were sitting at the foot and Chaz said, "I love you Daddy" and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

And then he said... "I love you, Cesar!" And Cesar kissed him on the cheek, which made Chaz giggle like he does about a millionj times a day and I never get tired of.

And seeing that, I kissed Cesar (for the first time in front of Chaz) and Chaz just giggled like it was normal.

It was the perfect moment. And it made me ME again. Kind of put the final piece back into place, like I felt completely healed.

And later, I told Cesar how I felt. And how that had made me feel.

And I told him I loved him. And he told me he loved me. And then we told each other, again.

And I am ME. And I feel awesome. And I still remember EVERYTHING that happened after tat as we lay in bed. Of course, that bit is sacred.

I just wanted to write out how I'm feeling. Not that I'll ever forget, no matter what happens down the road... :)

Looking for a roommate -- need feedback

2009-01-17T11:51:00.003-05:00

I'm looking for a rommmate, maybe a few roommates... It's stressful!

I've had roommates before and haven't had any really bad experiences... I loved my old roommate, who was *perfect*, but he left, ugh, and I want a roommate because rent money is good for paying these really annoying things called bills.

But, first of all I needed to decide how I was going to find potential roommates. I thought about posting on Craigs List, but I'm scared of it, haha Mostly because I've read some of the personals posted on there (thanks Danny!) and there are some mad freaks on there! I know the "looking for a roommate" thing is different but I'm still weary of it. So I decided to post at certain businesses and talk to certain people....because I figure, go where the money is, right? Go where people can afford the rent.

And I have to decide on the rent, which I still haven't done.

OK, I live in an affluent, safe neighborhood. Homes aren't small, and on a significant bit of land. And my house is (in the spring summer and fall at least) made more private by trees blocking my nrightbors view. The yard is always kept and is pleasant with lots of landscaping.

Parking in a garage. Covered porch in front. Deck in back. Private in-ground pool with hot tub in summer months (usually May to September). Plenty of room to sun bathe in summer, or hammock to use in spring/summer.

Inside access to full kitchen (read a real cook/baker's kitchen), a private gym good enough for a health conscious gay man (read GOOD GYM), a library for private reading, in-house washer and dryer, comfortable finished basement with large flat screen, pool table, etc. Access to all areas except other bedrooms and computer area.

Bedroom for rent includes private entrance from outside (meaning renter can come and go as her pleases without disturbing me/kids). Full bath, walk-in shower, sitting area, TV room, and bedroom. Room is already furnished but furniture can be moved out. Ample storage including a clost and two dressers and a wardrobe. Plus a faux warbrobe hiding a refrigorator and a microwave and some cubbard (sp?) space. Room is spacious.

Cable/internet included in rent. Utilities and heating cooling included in rent.

Only other possible expense on top of rent is if renter wants private landline in room. No access to landline in home. [I figure a lot of people who live in apartments don;t even have landlines and use their cell phnes for all calls anyways. I have a lot of friends who do that]

My ideal roommate (like my old roommate, did I mention I miss him!!!!) would be (to a certain extent at least) like a part of the family. Tolerant and acceting of both my homosexuality and my children. [Of course that last part's not just ideal, it's a must have, and its abcence will be a deal breaker]

So I need your feeback on rent --- how much rent is reasonable. Of course I already have an idea but I don;t want to share. Keep in mind my development in quiet like it's out in country but five minutes from Rt. 1 and is in the Philadelphia metro area.

So???? How much rent people?

I need your feedback! I actually wish more people read this blog haha, because no one probably will on the weekend and I might be seeing people as early as tomorrow night. So if you want to be mad cool and helpful you all could pimp this post in your blogs!

YAY, thanks guys!

Relationships are funny

2009-01-15T17:57:00.002-05:00

I never had an example of how a "good relationship works.

My parents' marriage was effed up because my Dad was a dick. My grandparents didn't help either (one was single by the time I came along [my grandpa died] and the other got a divorc). And of my siblings.....my sis is getting a divorce you all know, my brother's wife is self-absorbed that she ignores him and he takes it (they had their 5 year anniversay the other day --- he gets her earrings and a necklace and she gets him NOTHING -- "because they never talked about it)....and my other brother, well, he's got too many issues to even have a relationship most of the time.

But...I think that when you have a bunch of examples of crappy, dysfunctional relationships then she can easily have a healthy one by a sort of process of elimination... OK...none of this works, what's left??? Plus, all it takes is work.

Relationships are about compromises on both sides. And finding the right fit, finding someone who's in the same place you are.

I think my last two big relationships ended badly (me getting cheated on as a way for them to escape from something real or too much responsibility) because we were in different places.

Cesar and I seem to want the same things: stability, a family, security, a life. I think we are at the same place in life.

We are already "bickering" a little bit.

Cesar HATES that I don't have texting on my phone...which I got rid of because I got tired of getting texts are 3 am, etc, from drunken friends or whatever. Plus, I just don't like texting, I know I'm weird. I'd rather talk on the phone then email. I'd rather see you in person then talk on the phone. But it's important to hin so I gave him my work cell (which has texting) so he can text me on there. Compromise.

Also, since Cesar and me are basically he-lesbians (in the fact that we already feel like we live together) he's been talking about wanting to get a dog. I had thought about a dog in the past, but the thing is, I know I'm more of a cat person, and if I had a dog I know I'd go batshit crazy the first time it took a shadoobie on the carpet. I mean, I don't want to deal with poop unless it comes out of my kids. Plus, I take pride in my home, I don;t want it to smell like dog. So we're thinking about a cat. I *thought* Jensen was alergic but now I'm not so sure. I'm keeping sis's cats to make sure one way or another. Cesar is liking the idea of a cat. Compromise. Plus, I'd have no problem letting him pick it out.

One thing I know is that lack of communication is a killer to relationships. But if you both love each other and you talk and you nurture the relationship and never take things for grandted there's no reason you can't be together for 50 years+. That's what I want. I want a relationship like that.

I hope I can have that with Cesar eventually. If not I'll keep looking because that will always be my goal. And when I get it I will cultivate it.

-B

Hot or Not?: You Decide

2009-01-12T13:06:00.005-05:00

This is a recent picture of Kerr Smith.

If you don't know who he is, he''s an actor on TV and in movies (Dawson's Creek, Charmed, Justice, Final Destination, the upcoming My Bloody Valentine remake).

He's 36 and prematurely graying.

So....is it hot...or not?

I say hot. My friends at the bakery (employees/some that stopped by today) are divided and since mostly everyone who reads this blog is either female or gay I thought I could ask here.

So.....what do you think?

Mellow Saturdays can be the best...

2009-01-10T20:50:00.002-05:00

Tonight Cesar and I went for a drive, did some shopping, and then had dinner. It was a simple dinner, breakfast really (scrambled eggs with ham and cheese, biscuits and strawberries, with Simply Orange oj, mmm) but it was good and it was nice just hanging out. He passed out on the sofa in the other room so I decided to sneak in here and write a blog :)

I've been thinking about it and I'm struck at the differences between my sister and I. Yesterday I spoke to her -- on the phone -- and she told me she's never been happy. Then she said, "Well, maybe when I was five."

To me, this is a ridiculous statement.

I'm her brother. We had the same upbringing, the same opportunities. I think I had a good childhood, and a damn good adult life. I mean there are things I wish my parents did differently, but most of it ancient history.

The truth is, we had a great life. We went on vacations, lived in Europe, went to good schools, had our educations paid for, they even bought her a car after she graduated college and got a job in her field. Growing up, they encouraged us to take up sports, took us to the zoo, museums, even plays and some musicals, baseball games. Sis was in gymnastics, and was really good too.

Ya, my Dad was/is a douchebag, but I don't have many complaints in the end.

My sister just holds on to the bad stuff in the present and in her past and lets it define her.

I can't help her because I don't understand her.

Don't get me wrong, I've had some bad shit happen to me growing up. Stuff I wish I hadn't had to go thru. I'm not going to discuss it in my blog because it was 15+ years ago, but ya... And I've had a few relationships that ended badly, meaning I got cheated on. But you get over it, and you go on, you keep kicking. You have a life, you have kids, you have a job.

You meet a really awesome guy.

You smile.

You concentrate on the good.

You don't drink yourself into a stupor and have a pity party, table for one.

You go wake your boyfriend up and have some fun :)

Happy weekend!

-B

What's been going on -- feedback requested and appreciated.

2009-01-08T14:21:00.003-05:00

I haven't been thinking about blogs, or reading blogs, or blogging lately.

So...sorry to the few people's blogs I read, if you missed my comments... If you didn't, then....ok then, haha. Oh, and Bloggity I know I was tagged. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Today's blog is just for a write. I want to write and get a few things out of my head.

At the bakery I've been experimenting with cookie-brownies, a brownie cookie mix, in the shape and texture of a brownie but with a sort of half brownie/half cookie center. They have a distinctive, pleasant taste unlike traditional brownies and, although I'm just experimenting at this point, people seem to like them when they try the samples.

The craziness of Christmas and New Years has subsided and the munchkins are back to a normal routine. Tomorrow they will go to their Mom's and for once I'm looking forward to the time alone (alone, and alone with Cesar). I've been really tired this week and I need to reinvigorate this weekend.

On the sister front, surprise, surprise, she's still a mess of an alcoholic. Monday night I got a call from my Mom and sis had drank a couple bottles of hand sanitizer.... She never fails to dissapoint me. Thank god I banished her from my home but she still has the power to pofoundly effect my mood. I just don't know what's going to happen to her. I imagine she'll end up dead one way or another within a few years. I can still remember her before she really started drinking, a totally different person. The person she has become makes me cringe. The prospect of seeing her, spending time with her, makes me sick to my stomach.

I called Cesar late Monday night (early morning?) just to say hey, talk, blow off steam, hear his voice, feel better, remember what's important, etc.

I didn't say much in an older blog about meeting his family because I needed to end the blog at the time, but they all made me feel really welcome and they seemed genuinely curious about me and happy to meet me. I kept waiting to meet the one or two homophobic douchebags in every family, but they never materialized. It was nice being around them. It was nice being around people who aren't guarded, who don't need a lot of prerequisites met before they accept someone. It was nice being around a family that is so obviously close.

Back to the call Monday night tho, I was laying in bed, stretched out on top of the covers, aware of, but choosing not to dwell on the fact that my bed seems enormous when there's only one person in it when Cesar asks, "How come I'm not in your bed with you right now?" I laughed a little and said something like, "Good question."

We talked some more, and he brought up living together, down the road. He said if we lived together we could effectively make the home like a safe cocoon, not totally untouchable by upsetting things like my sis, but we wouldn't be as affected if we were together. At least that was the jist. He also reminded me of how he's not afraid of the responsibility of children, how he could easily sublet, and how he's just waiting for me to be ready for things to progress, to give the go-ahead.

Of course that's not gonna happen for a while. There are a few things I need to deal with and a few things he needs to deal with before that happens. But, barring any unforseen events, it's going to happen.

I think he knows how badly I want him here, even tho I have to play it cool and casual, and not to mention be a responsible father. Because I'll have to ease Chaz into this, before it happens.

But am I crazy?

It feels right.

Feedback is good.....

New Years -- come and gone.

2009-01-02T21:39:00.003-05:00

One question for all the blogheads:

Does a good ending of one year mean that the next year will also be good?

I sure hope so!

New Years was a million times improvement on Christmas Eve/Christmas. I had about 16 people over for dinner which was very nice and drama-free (no sis). Dinner was scrumdiddlyumptious and everyone was laughing and talking.

I drank a teensy weensy bit too much because I was queerly nervous, but everything went awesome.

Yes folks, Cesar and I are now official. Officially bfs. And I'm feeling good. I feel like this will be good, like we will be good.

He kind of laughed when I asked him and gave me a big hug. Said he had a feeling I was gonna do something New Years.

I mean, I know it's nothing special, and I'm talking about it like I just asked him to marry me, but I'm happy. Like, actually happy. I'm not worried like I was with Mike. And I want to enjoy it.

Janelle (our mutual friend that set us up) is over the moon and proud she picked a winner, heheh (She has set me up with some real looooosers in the past). But we, I am exceedingly appreiate and happy and Janelle gets like a million cosmic brownie points for this one, and a million brownie points in my book too.

Sometime after midnight people bagan to go and by I dunno when, when everyone was gone and it was just me and him, and it was nice even to do something like cleaning up together. Like, it felt more real. Because it is really real.

We've talked...and one of the things that I really like about him (and I'm not sure if I wrote about this before) is that nothing seems to scare him. I mean, I've tried being realy honest from the begiing and I think each of us knows what the other wants in a relationship. Jenn (the baby mama) was talking to us at one point NYE night and she was prodding me about having aother bambino (bambina?? - she wants a girl), And Cesar just busts out with, "I think you should have about five." -- like totally serious. And, I believe him. Because he has a big family. And nothing seems to scare him.

We have talked about if it progresses to "move in together" mode then he'd move in with me and essentially be another father to the boys. And I have to confess that in these moments...I scrutinize his reactions. And I don;t see what I might expect to see: I don;t see fear, aprehension or ambivalence. I see what I think is excitement and eagerness and a face that says, "Let's get on with it already."

Which is really nice.

It's a huge change of pace from my ex.

Cesar seems well-adjusted and loving.

Still, I won't go too fast. I owe the boys that; I am a better father than that.

But, I can't help thinking ahead.

2009 will be far better than 2008.

I know that for myself and my family, and I hope that for all of you and your families.

Oh, and for Danny....I definitely like the brown people ;)

-B

New Years is coming!

2008-12-30T19:59:00.002-05:00

You know what I realized? Blogging is therapeutic, even if no one reads it. And I've had a stressful week (and it's only Tuesday!) and I need some therapy, bitches!

I've had two people quit this week so that blows goats...

Plus...drama with the momma, and not the baby momma, my momma (see previous blog)

See calls me today and informs me she needs to ask me something... (in my experience this is never a good thing)

She wants to know what "we" are gonna do about sis for New Years. She thinks I "need to invite" sis to my house

Uhhhh, NOOOOO!

I tell her I have plans with friends, plus I remind her that sis isn't welcome at my house. Mom blows a gasket. I basically hear what Charlie Brown hears when the teacher talks.

I tell her to have sis at her house. That's not gonna work because Mom wants to be with man. Perfectly reasonable.

I suggest sis should be left at her house, to lay in the bed she made for herself, for once.

More squawking from Mom.

I tell her I refuse to have a repeat of Christmas. I end the conversation.

I feel shitty that I can't just make myself do what my Mom wants me to do. But I am like Mary J. Blige and want no more drama in my life.

PLUS...

Ok, I know this is a cheese factor of 12, but New Years I'm going to make it official with Cesar (be official bfs). I'm gonna have a few friends over (not too, too many) and I want it to be intimate and even a little romantical. It's probably a formality at this point but I want to try to make it kind of special and memorable, even ho all I'm doing is making it official...whatever.

Emotional outbursts are not romantical. Drunken hot messes are not romantical.

I want romantical. We shall have romantical.

Romantical, Can you tell I like the word? :)

Happy New Years blog elves and lurkers!

Wish me luck! (Yes, I can't help being nervous somehow, shut up)

Photo Fridays!: My Mom!

2008-12-27T19:21:00.002-05:00

YAY!

It's Saturday, but pretend like it's Friday! Because I just got my scanner Thursday! Yay! Photo Fridays! Go with it, people!

Photo Fridays is when I share a photo and blog about some aspect of my life related to the photo. YAY! You're all ecstatic, I know!

For Christmas, my Aunt sent some old pics of my Mom so I decided to start off Photo Fridays with a pic of her from high school.

Check out the hair! You all love it!

Basically one of the reasons that I wanted to share a photo of my Mom is that I really do love her. Sometimes we fight and argue, but at the end of the day I am closest to her and I wouldn't be 1/10th of the man I am today without her.

From the time I was a wee mini-munchkin she has been in my corner fighting for me, even from the time I was born and was premature and had some issues, she fought for me then.

She isn't perfect, but she is perfect in her imperfections.

Even after I came out, when we were not each other's favorite person for a few years, she came around eventually, and I always knew she loved me, Unlike me Dad who is a total douchebag, whatever.

We may not be as uber-close as Cesar and his Mom seem to be, but we have a real bond. We are there for each other when it counts,

Yes, I am a fag who loves his Mom, heheh, oh well

Photo Fridays, YAY!

Christmas --- rough start, excellent ending

2008-12-27T08:20:00.002-05:00

OK ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one, so if you intend to read on, fix a mug of your favorite bev, curl up with a warm blanket and get comfy because I've been itching to write this and I've got a lot to say. AND, I finally have time to write it. The mini-munchkin is getting some quality time with the baby mama's mama and the munchkin is laying down next to me coloring me a picture.

So....

(why don't they have underline on this blog thing?)

Christmas Eve

As you know, my sister is likely getting a divorce and the BIL's mom and sis came from jolly old England for Christmas and he wanted to spend time with his fam alone so Drunkella had Christmas with us.

My Mom picked sis up from work and took her home to get her overnight bag and pick up her two fat cats. Apparently there was drama there because she didn;t bother to pack beforehand and took FOREVER getting her stuff together, THEN, after they left to come to my house, she forgot something and they had to turn around.

Whatever, right? Not too, too bad, especially for my sister.

Well, as soon as they got here, they were unloading the cats and getting them set up in the basement and sis says she has got to get changed and runs upstairs to the guest bedroom. Well, she comes down about 10 minutes later and it's obvious she's been drinking (slurring words, stumbling some). So she goes out for a cig and my Mom (heartbroken at the prospect of my sister drunk on Christmas Eve, no less) goes up to the room to see where sis hid the booze. (It was obviously her booze since all my booze is locked away, either behind a key pad or under lock and key).

So, Mom ends up finding 4 pint-size vodka bottles, and two are half empty. Well, about this time sis comes up to the bedroom and is even more drunk (major slurring, barely talking above a wisper [unless she wants to yell and scream], can't keep her head up, beligerent behavior).

Mom and I both are feeling about a million different emotions. My sister has done a lot of things, but drinking on Christmas Eve, that's a first. Plus, I'm worried about my kids being there (no worries, they weren't exposed to any of her behavior). Plus, my brother and sister were coming at that point in about 2 hours and I was afraid that when they say the state sis was in they'd just leave. Also, Mom and I had to finish cooking, which we were behind on. Lastly, I had friends dropping in all night off and on (which is normal) and I was worried they'd see her (which some did and I was *mortified*....)

Mom and I try to talk to sis. She starts her normal bullshit, blaming everything on my mother (who, for the record, is, despite a few faults, a wonderful woman, and doesn;t deserve 95% of sis's bs).

She irrational, screaming at my Mom, I lose my temper. She's being ridiculous, at one point insinuating that her behavior isn't her fault because "drinking is genetic" and "Papaw was an alcoholic." This last bit was designed to upset my mother and isn;t even true. The truth is that my grandpa had two pediods in his life when he drank: once in the late 30s-early 40s when my oldest uncle was a little boy (way before my Mom was born) and once again in the mid 70s after my grandparents got a divorce and Papaw married a horrible woman.

Anyway, sis is ridiculous, begging for the vodka back, swearing she'll just stay up in her room and not come out for dinner.

We end up getting her to come down. She sobers up a bit. Starts hugging us every five minutes and crying (which is very annoying when you're trying to cook). She insists on doing a back flip in the family room to prove she can still do one (she used to be a gymnast).

At one point a friend of mine stops by to exchange presents. Sis hugs him and cries. She doesn't even know him. He doesn;t know her. They've never met. I am mortified. He leaves.

I suggest sis go upstairs, brush teeth (she smells like a brewry/cig factory) and wash face (major racoon eyes). Of course, I keep the ( ) to myself. I go up to my bedroom to brush teeth, check myself, etc. Sis comes in, inform me she forgot her toothbrush, asks if I have mouthwash. I do, but I lie and tell her no. I know from past experience that she will take it and drink it to get drubk from the alcohol in it. She gets pissed, never even bother to clean her face to attempts to do something about her breath.

When bro and sis-in-law do show up, sis is somewhat better. Not slurring as much. Still, she jumps up in bro's arms and hugs him, making him carry her like that into kitchen. Her behavior is painful to watch. All through dinner she tries to follow the convo but is about five minutes behind, randomly saying something about a topic we had finished discussing some time ago, that sort of thing.

Thankfully the worst of sis's outburst took place upstairs while munchkin was in the basement playing with cats. Dinner was late and munchkin was already sleeping so he didn;t witness any of this. He's young but I'm scared he will pick up on things and I don't want him to see that.

After dinner, sis slumps in chair, nearly passes out. Thankfully she goes to bed without incident.

Christmas Day

Thankfully, sis is mostly sober Christmas morning and much more normal. Everyone opens up their stockings (yes, we all have stockings, not just the munchkins, haha) and then we open up some of the presents.

I can;t describe, it might be a weird feeling, but I think it's pride I feel when I watch Chaz open up his presents. He's an excitable kid normally, but Christmas opushes over the top, 200%. He is so excited about Santa and the presents that he can;t stop giggling and it's adorable.

Yes, I am way past officially kid-tarded and I think everything (well, not everything) my kids do is cute. But seriously, it was sooooo cute. Luckily you Moms understand :)

Afta-afta we have some breakfast and my bro has to leave to go be with his wife's family. We hang out with my Mom for a few hours (with friends stopping in too) before Mom leave to go be with her man's family for a while. Sis also leaves.

Before she does, I take her aside and tell her she's not welcome in my home again until I see that she's makign efforts to deal with her alcoholism and quit drinking, something I haven;t seen up to this point. This obviously upset her. I really don;t care about her feelings in that moment. Actually I'm relieved.

Cesar comes over Christmas Day-night. Perfect timing since all the visitors have trickled down and we get some alone time together. We exchange gifts and it's funny because of each of our gifts to each other is clothes (which is a very gay-couple thing to do). We go try them on. Cesar looks hotttttt. Visions dance thru my head, and it's not sugar plums.

I have a his and his closet (which is only slightly different than a his and hers) and one side is empty. Cesar sees this and, points toward the empty side, asks if that is his side, smiling. I'm caught up. I tell him soon probably, smiling back.

Christmas nookie ensues. Everything is slower, we take our time. The room is warm, the bed is war, everything is very warm. I enjoy exploring the contours of hi body. I remember noticing that his skin is A LOT softer then most guys I've been with.

I like looking at his eyes in the moment. I've never understood couples that never look at each other. He has a certain twinkle in his eyes I've noticed before.

He seems an open book in daily life and in bed. He is open, and I like this very much.

My frirnds tell me that this partially likely due to his Hispanic culture. (Ceasr is partially Puerto Rican, Cuban and Dominican). The reason why isn;t so much important me to. I just like it.

The Day After Christmas

We sleep in as late as we can (which isn;t late) and Cesar eventually has to leave to go take care of hsi things, plus I have to go into work to chek on some things, take care of some things, etc., etc.

From an earlier blog you'll remember that Cesar's Mom had given me a letter beasically saying she wanted to meet me, etc., etc. [See Cesar update if you don;t know what I'm talking about]

Well, Cesar told me she wanted me and him to come to her house last night so I could meet her, la la la. I was a little nervous but didn;t let on to him. I got the impression it would be small and low key and just maybe some of his family. I was a little nervous because I didn;t know exactly what tyo expect and I like being prepared. So I called my friend Danny and he explained some things and prepared me (thanks Danny).

I ended up bring over some flowers for Cesar's Mom, some wine and some leftover goodies.

It was actually really great meeting his family. It was a little overwhelming because I'm not used to large family (and Cesar's is pushing 30 just with his parents, sib and their families) but I had a great time, and I could see how close Cesar is to them, and they are supportive and happy people. And happy to meet me. And really just happy that their son/brother/uncle is happy.

I have more to write but you probably all stopped reading ages ago, and Chaz is restless.

Hope you all had good Christmases!

-B

Real fast...

2008-12-26T14:09:00.003-05:00

I know this is supposed to be my first theme blog day, but I need to set up some new gadgetry in order to do the blog right, and I haven;t had time to set it up so the first blog I'll hopefully do this weekend and you can all just pretend it's Friday ;)

Oh plus, I have a long blog to write all about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no time to write at the moment, so later. Major happenings tho.

*hugs*

---b

No one will read this until after Christmas, but anyway....

2008-12-24T10:30:00.003-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*massive amounts of blog love to everyone*
*e-cakes and e-cookies for everyone*
Who wants some nog?
(I actually think egg nog tastes like crap)

OK, until after Christmas,

BBBYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

-b

Cesar update

2008-12-21T18:10:00.002-05:00

aBecause I have a minute and because I seem to be getting into updating my blog lately, I thought I'd write up an update for the blog elves (well Lady with a View and the blog elves, because Lady informed me she's not an elf [but she's stil a blog elf]).

Like I said, Cesar came over last night to make the buckeyes (yum and yum!) and (get ready to vomit or say awwww!, depending on your mood), he brought presents!

First of all, he brought little stockings for munchkins, even the mini-munchkin, which I thought was really cute because it was filled with little hats and a onesy, and Chas' had little toys, and I dunno, it was just really cute....and I promise I'm not trying to get all queer about this, but I totall had a (silent) awwwwww! moment.

Plus, he brought card and some wine from his Mom (who I've yet to meet) and tells me to open it then.

Anyways, not to belabor, but she wrote in the card how she's heard about me and how I was making her son happy. And then I lost my cool and was all (publicly) awwww!. And she wrote that she expected to meet me soon andf maybe around Christmas.

And I have to say, there's a chance that if I wasn't so into him (and I didn;t know he was into me) I might be creeped out by it, but it just came across as sweet. And, I guess somewhat selfishly, it's nice to know that she "likes" me and she doesn't even know me. I mean, it means she cares about her son.

That means something to me. Like, if we do get together longterm, there'll be support there, you know?

Ugghh, I'm feeling way too queer right now.... heheh

But, so we made the buckeyes, and it was just nice.

Drama-free.

Ideal.

He spent the night. And aside from the bedroom (which was NICE -- but I'll spare the details since most of the elves are hetrosexual mommies and I don't know if that's a detail kind of crowd), it was nice to sleep-sleep with someone I have a connection with. AND, he wasn't weird about sleeping on my chest.

I've had such a stitastic year in spots that I'm not accustomed to being this happy -- but I'm not complaining ;)

And he'll be here in an hour so I have to get the munchkins to bed if I can and go shower.

Later

-B

Merry Chi$tmas!

2008-12-20T16:57:00.002-05:00

For whatever reason, this year, more than any other year, I've spent a hell of a lot more money on Christmas presents.... And this is probably because of a combination of reasons:

1. For all my hesitation and trepedation this year (and most years), I love Christmas, and I love buying people presents and watching them open them and seeing them happy.
2. The munchkin and the mini-munchkin have made me go overboard for sure. I can't help it tho, they are my boys and I love them. And Chaz is so excited for Santa and Christmas this year!
3. I have a lot of friends here and I don't want to forget any of them. Ultimately, I don't feel right not getting gifts for my friends, even the ones I'm not uber close to. For each of those type of friemds this year I got a giftcard and am going to make a platter full of edible goodies. You don't even wanna know how much I spent on giftcards, haha.
4. There is, of course, my family, and I feel like, even tho they drive me insane, a lot of them have had a tough year so I'm splurging on them. My fam meaning my Mom, my one brother, my sister, my other brother and his wife.
5. And, last but not least, there's Cesar, who I have a feeling is getting me something major, so I have to match that. Not that I don't ultimately love shopping in situations like these.

Ah well, it's just money, right?

Later tonight Cesar is coming over and we are going to make buckeyes (a peanutbutter mixture, rolled in rice krispies and coated in choclate). I know you all want some :) They're pretty awesome actually, and are my one holiday indulgence, And the poor, deprived Cesar has never had them before! So I must introduce him to buckeyes, haha!

Ah, also, FYI, after Christmas I'm going to write a new kind of blog, one like I'vve never written before. But no hints! The blog elves will have to wait :)

Still blissed out....

2008-12-18T18:49:00.004-05:00

TalkeI've been wanting to write a blog for a while but haven't had time or motivation till now...

Basically, a lot of good things have happened lately and I want to inform the blog elves! :)

First of all, the horrible mutant cold/sinus/phlegm/snot monster I had living inside me for the last forever it seems... is now dead. I killed it. And am feeling better.

Second, the day before yesterday Chaz came home from his Mom's and I finally got a munchkin hug which I was sorely missing. The next day Jensen followed and I got to see his cuteness mini-munchkin giggle. I have my boys home. Life is good.

Third, almost all my Christmas shopping is done, for real this time.

Fourth... Night before last, I was doing better but still feeling mad tired. I knew Cesar was coming over so I took a shower and passed out on the bed. He got here about 8 and end up waking me up and I was all out of it, hair all effed up every which way, looking all cracky (ok probably not that bad, but I remember being all dazed --- had been sleeping worse than normal).

Anyways, we were being snugglebunny cuddlewhores, and Cesar started rubbing my back which turned into a massage (and there was hot chocolate) which turned into a happy ending (really happy) which was promptly reciprocated.

And I was all *blissed out* frim the massage and tension relief and we just laid there talking.

I'm

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

for him. And we've talked. Talked. And I think he's liking me too, well, I know he is.

And I had a dream last night.... Where *gasp* I told him I wanted him for Christmas....haha

Which is like, totally cheesetastic, and I'd never say that in real life.

But, apparently, my dreams are like, an episode of One Tree Hill or something...
(does that make me Lucas?)

But seriously...

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

....

-B

I'm making cookies for Santa!

2008-12-15T19:52:00.002-05:00

I actually have a lot of different things I want to write about for this blog, but my mind keeps going back to Christmas and the 1 million + things I still need to do between now and then.

Of course I still need to do some shopping... The munchkins are mostly done, and the sibs are done, but I need to get something for my Mom, which is always impossible since she'll tell me she doesn't want anything.

Whatevs...

Cesar and I have decided to be each other's person this Christmas. Because I don't know about you guys, but the prospect of not having someone special to buy for at Christmas is break-out-the-peanutbuttercups-depressing. Plus, things are going well between us. We are not far from being to that point anyway, I lelieve.

I need to do some shopping for him and I need to get on that...

This Christmas will probably be a mellow one. I probably won't see my sister (phew!) or my brother (blows!). And my other brother Kyle will probably just make an appearance in his Kyle way. Cesar has a big Christmas Eve thing with family so it looks like he will be around Christmas Day. Jenn and her parents will come over for the munchkins to see them. Random friends will drop by off and on.

I'm going to do a big dinner, that I still have to plan.

Next Monday at the bakery we are having a sort of promotion. For a certain amount purchase at the bakery (still figuring that out) customers will get free cookies for Santa.

That means a lot of stress for me, but I love it at the same time, so I can't complain.

I am stressed. But at the same time, I'm excited. Tonight I put up the kids' stockings. My Mom made ones with their names on them.

I used to think, I know I'm a Dad, but I don't feel very much like a Dad.

I think like that less and less lately. It's a big snotty, poopy, bakey, crazy-alchy sister stressball sometimes, but I am loving my life.

And I want to wish all the blog elves a Merry Christmas! I know a lot of you are struggling right now, but things will get better, however things work out. Be strong!

---Bri

Tagged! - Nicknames blog

2008-12-14T11:32:00.002-05:00

Yay, I was tagged! O Mah Gaw!, I'm like, officially a part of the blogger community now!
(that was me being a valley boy for a second)

OK, all my nicknames:

Well, my name is Brian is any of you weren't sure.
Most people call me Bri, although technically it is a nickname

One person in my life once upon a time got away with calling me Bri Bri. No one else has, only her because she was so sweet about it and I liked to hear her say it. But no one else! I hate it.

I've always been a dancer and I used to step (the type of dancing that is popular on historically Black college campuses, not the step-dancing bullshit) I did it on my own with mostly Black guys as it turned out, but not related really to any college. Anyway, I got called names like Whitebread, snowflake, Vanilla Ice, Eminem. I actually like Whitebread. Whatever, I just kind of like it.

I had a friend in elementary school that was dyslexic and whenever he'd write my name he'd write it as Brain. So people started calling me Brain. That sucked.

Pugz, because of my nose. Although it's not like a pug nose, and no one has called me that in forever.

Several names like B and B-rian, and my 8th grade science teacher called me Big B, which I hated.

I used to work at a summer camp for AIDS and HIV-effected kids and a lot of them called me Mr. Brian. I always thought it was cute.

OK, I can't believe I am admitting this one, but no one is reading this, so whatever, right? Right? heheh

Well, in high school I had one of those LL Bean bags with my initials on them. BKW. Well one day this totally douchebag of a guy yells out in the hallway: "Burger King Whopper, those are your initials, Burger King Whopper." I turned around and gave him the I'm-slitting-your-throat-with-my-eyes-right-now looks. He called me that a couple after that whenever he saw me, but I hardly ever saw him.

OK, for funzies, I'll do my kids too.

I have two sons, the older 32 months on the 21st and the younger 4 months on the 19th. They both have two middle names. Older: Charles Lincoln Dominic and the younger Jensen Noah Riley.

Well, from the beginning we called my older son Chas or Chaz. No one calls him Charles. And most of my nicknames for him have to do him being young. Munchkin, Niblet, things like that. We also call him the Chazinator when he's being fussy or grumpy. I also call him Mini Pimpin' sometimes. I should probably stop that altogether because one day he's gonna ask me what it means, haha. But, seriously, he's such a little pimp. Ya, I should stop that. My ex used to call him Monkey.

Jensen we just call Jensen. We figure if when he grows up he hates his name then he has Noah or Riley to use if he wants to. I don;t have many nicknames for him yet. I call him Pooper, haha.

I'm probably forgetting some, but any of you that are still reading and probably bored ;)

The blog I've been avoiding til now....

2008-12-11T20:20:00.002-05:00

OK blog elves, I am officially requesting feedback again, so if you're reading this I'd appreciate it if you stick with it and comment when you're done.

This is the blog I've been avoiding writing, because I've been in denial about its subject matter. But recent events have jolted me out of my happy denial.

Christmas...is going to suck this year. And not because of anything I've done, or anything that has happened to me or the kids, etc., etc.

It's because of my sister...

My friends and long time readers will know that I'm not close to my sister. She makes things very...difficult.

She's an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She's 36 and has probably been a full blown alcoholic for about the last 8 years, and had a drinking problem since she was 18. But she's one of those extra-fun alcoholics whose in total denial. Even after several DUIs which resulted in long periods of her losing her liscense, and being so desperate for a drink that she's drank mouthwash, cooking wine and hand sanitizer, she still refuses to admit she's dependant, addicted.

She likes to say that she's in a dark place. Yes, the dark place of...alcoholism.....hatefulness, bitterness, alienation by design.

But this month she's found out that she's likely going to be getting a divorce.

She has been married about five years...to my brother ibn law who I've never really liked or been close to because he's always seemed shady to me...and he's a big pussy too, but I digress.

Amyway....

She's been scared into temporary sobriety because she says she says she wants to fight for her marriage.

I want to be supportive, but knowing all of the history, and being witness to it, I can't help thinking she deserves to get a divorce. After all the horrible shit she's done to me, and people I love, the way she's skated thru life consequance-free with slaps on the wrist, the way my mother always bails her out and takes nothing but abuse for it, I'm just a little happy she's finally gonna have to pay the piper.

And that also makes me feel crappy.

So I try to be supportive. I called her last night and told her I knew what she was dealing with sucked, but whatever the outcome, it was good that she wasn't drinking, and I wanted her to keep not drinking because then she'd be healtier.

I worry about her because she looks horrible. She's not healthy and she's stick-thin. She's in her mid 30s and looks like she is in her mid to late 40s.

I want to be supportive because I love her.

I have kids tho and the business and a social life. I have a life. And spending too much time around my sister, she becomes like a cancer.

What do I do????

How can I make this Christmas not suck, aside from totally avoiding her? (which, by the way, is an impossibility in my family since my mother won't allow that)

Do any of you have experience or insight?

I want to have a good Christmas. I want it drama-free, but I know my sister will make it drama central.

I want to be with the people I love and have a Christmas to remember for good reasons.

Lil' help here??

NO!

2008-12-09T18:26:00.002-05:00

As you get older you realize that words like can't or no are ones that are effectively relegated to children.

"No, you can't stay up because Daddy says so."

"No, you can't have a cookie now, wait til after dinner."

Sure, adults have limitations on a case by case basis. Adults have things they can't do, aren't able to do. But for the most part, if you're of age and self-sufficient then you can do what you want. You can do anything.

Well, maybe not anything...

But, regardless, this has been my sort of motto for a long time. I can do or have anything that I want, as long as I want it enough and am willing to work for it.

Yes, I know there are exceptions...but fuck the exceptions.

Long before there was a Chaz or a Jensen (my kids), when I told my family and friends I wanted, and was going to have kids, so many of them said, "YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS, YOU'RE GAY!"

(or something to that extent)

But I did it, and now, even tho sometimes being a largely single dad (their Mom is in the picture on a limited basis) blows antelopes, I freakin' love it at the same time. It sounds cliche, but it's true what they say, after a while, you can't imagine your life without your kids.

And when I said I was going to start a business, some friends/family doubted my abilities, but I did it. Now I have a successful business AND two adorable munchkins.

I approach relationships with the same additude.

Although I haven't been as successful in that area (my last two boyfriends, including the last who I went as far as marrying, cheated on me), I still have the additude that I can have a long term monogamous, healthy relationship if I want it badly enough and am willing to work and be smart about it.

This is what I want, and I WILL have it, eventually.

The few longterm blog readers I have will remember Cesar, who my friend Janelle set me up with, who easily sailed past Russian Pizza Guy and Krayzee Phone-Stealing Drew.

OK, in retrospect, maybe they weren't much competition for him. But you guys know that at one point, Drew was.

But as I've been spending more time with Cesar, he's been making me remember what I want for myself. He's been making me forget about Mike and all the hurt, making it easier to let it go.

I've just been thinking about all this the last few days and wanted to write it down.

We've been talking a lot....

We shall see what happens...

Overzealous and understimulated....

2008-12-07T16:59:00.003-05:00

I've been cleaning all weekend...

I've been cleaning out the drawers in my old room...the room I last used in high school...the room that is perpetually stuck in the late 90s.

I did find a lot of things, some funny, some HIGHlarious, some nostalgic....and I thought I'd blog about it for the blog elves.

Among the things I found were:

-old tapes (vanilla ice, mc hammer, paula abdul, gloria estefan, the lion king soundtrack, why I hadthat I don't know)
-a big plastic bag filled with hemp and beads from my help bracelet and necklace-wearing phaze
-a funny sign I had forgotten my brother got me with a dancing rooster on it and GAY COCK written in bubble letters
-a huge amount of CDs from my techno/raver phaze
-various toys (Madlibs, Mad Balls, a Rubix Cube)
-the issue of Out Magazine about Matthew Shepherd
-a walkie talkie-shaped toy with buttons that when pressed spit out Mr. T saying (like Shaddep Fool! which I couldn;t stop pressing and laughing until Chaz took it from me and called me Silly Daddy)
-letters from people I can no longer rember who the fuck they are or why I have the letters in the first place (sorry random people!)
-a badass collection of Pound Puppies that Chaz promptly stole
-majorly skunked weed and a tiny bottle of vodka that I think was my friend Kim's, trashed that quickly
-a majorly embarassing collection of XY magazines from when I was just a gayby that I promptly pitched after thumbing thru and laughing
-an old book of poems I wrote a million years ago
-old notes to bfs in high school
-a majorly funny old note me and my hs bf cam wrote together solidifying our undying love for eachother, haha. we're not together now, but still good friends (I still love you, cam!)
-embarassing whatnots from my obsession with Dawson's Creek
-a million random phone numbers with names of guys I can't place
-a book about Louie Armstrong, who I used to obsessed with for some odd reason
-lots of small bottles of lube

needless to say I had great fun looking thru my old shit before tossing a lot of it, and remembering what a slut I was, haha

Merry 18 days till Christmas!

Now I'm going to go have some real fun, yay!

What a difference a few weeks makes...

2008-12-05T22:37:00.002-05:00

First of all, before I forget, I want to thank you all for the feedback you gave me on the blog I wrote before last. I'm feeling so much better about the whole situation, mostly due to my friends here in Philly and to all you loverly blog elves. So, Thank You! If I could, I wouldsend a cake to each and every one of you! What are your favorites? ;)

About Thanksgiving... It was surprisingly anti-climactic and welcomingly drama-free. It turned out that I got to see everyone that I wanted to see, and, wait for it....no one overstayed their welcome! My brother called late thenight before and surprised me with the news that he WOULD be coming with the sister-in-law, yay! And my other brother, I saw him TG night. My sister, she didn;t stay long.

Copious amount food were consumed, turkey comas were has by all, I actually had fun. I forget that sometimes it's possible for my whole family (minus sperm donor) to be together and actually have fun.

And you know what? Knock on wood, I think I'm getting over Mike, to a big extent anyway.

Really, time has passed and a few things have happened that have made it easier and put thing into perspective.

I'm opening up more to the idea of me and Cesar. We've been sending more time together. I don;t want to go on about shit and jinx it, but...

I like the way he makes me feel. I like laying on the sofa with him, just watching tv with my arm around him. I don't know what it's going to amount to, but I'm open, I'm happy...and I think I'm healed.

Even Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sung in Spanish, piped in at the Mexican restaurant the other night didn;t get on my nerves... ;)

Come try my World Famous Hot Weiner!

2008-11-26T19:42:00.007-05:00

My brother called today...

He works for Radio Shack.

He was visiting a store in pimplesquat podunk Pennsylvania (the kind devoid of chain restaurants, full of the family style establishments that make me uneasy). He said there were signs everywhere inviting people to try this town's World Famous Hot Weiners!

He said next time he goes there he's going to convince the manger of the store that they need to try the weiners.

Said he thought I'd think that it was funny

I did! I heart my brother for bringing the funny!

----

So I thought I'd say HEY HEY to the five ir 12 people that read my blog before the craziness of Thanksgiving totally overtakes me. Not that it already hasn't....

We've been so BUSY! Which is good for business (yay!) but bad for my sanity (heehee!!) If it weren't for the wonders of Visine I'd be rocking the straight up crackhead look without all the fun-fun drugs. Sleep is a distant, happy memory. Between work and the munchkins I have very little time for any 40 winks. I need to book some serious pillow time this weekend.

Oh, and to stave off insomnia-induced delerium further, I am declaring the bakery a Christmas music-free zone! That's right, folks! No magical sleigh rides or Santa coming down the chimney, not at work anyway.

I've always hated Christmas music. When doing frantic, ill-advised last minute mall shopping, Christmas music makes me want to gauge my eyes with a corkscrew. Yuletide cheer is musical form can suck my world famous hot weiner.

Seriously, I think some of my employees think I've gone to the fruitloops. I'm prone to spontaneous fits of dancing to wake myself up and get me in a good mood. Good thing I'm a good dancer ;)

Mmmm...I'm rambling...

Thanksgiving...

It's gonna be smallish.

My sister is coming... Eh. Neither of my brothers are coming. Sucks. Mom's coming with her man. I'll have different friends stopping by throughout the day.

Most of the cooking is already done. The house smells awesome. If I could some how bottle it and spray it all over my blog so you could all smell it I would. Imagine as best as you can...

I may have new guy news for the next blog... I am choosing to remain mum for now, but we shall see :)

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Letting it Out

2008-11-17T19:12:00.002-05:00

I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I've been fighting it, because part of me doesn't want to even partially legitimize what's been going on by writing about it.

I'm feeling really low and discouraged and I despise feeling this way. I guess I'm just on edge and really emotional lately, and I'm not one to cry or explode or anything. I never let things out and it all becomes this seething, boiling red hot anger. My other emotions are just shut off, they have to be.

Last week something happened at work, and it was first time I've ever experienced anything like it. I never thought it would happen, I thought in this day and in my area of the country, in my town, we were past it. Evidently I was wrong

A man walked into the bakery and just went off. He just started yelling something like: "I don't want eat at this FAG RESTAURANT (he screamed it). You know, you could get AIDS! You shouldn;t be EATING HERE! Get OUT of here! You Don't want AIDS!

At first I froze. I felt like I was watching an over zealous portrayal on a tolerance-in-the-workplace video. Then I felt my face flush and I was furious. I wanted to kill this guy. I wanted him to stop yelling. I didnn't want to be seeing him. I didn;t want this to be happening.

Luckily there was police officer picking up lunch at the counter when the guy came in. He dealt with him. It's not even worth elaborating on.

Except that after I felt embarassed and violated and mortified and sad.

Why would someone feel compelled to do that? What's the point?

I live in the Philadelphia metro area, not Armpit Stank, Idaho or Mooseburger, Alaska.

The truth is, I've felt like shit about it for days, since it happened.

You have to understand, I don't live my life closeted. I don;t understand being in the closet. I burned mine down a long time ago. People know I am gay. Most of my exployees knew I was gay before the incident. The day it happened, one of my kids quit. No real explanation, just he couldn;t work for me anymore.

Maybe he thought he'd get AIDS. (Not that this needs to be said but I am 100% HIV negative. And that's so beside the point anyway).

Nothing else has happened at work.

But something else happened today....

I actually called my Dad because his birthday is coming up and I thought I'd be a "good son" and call him. People who know me know I don;t see or talk to my Dad very often. Partially because he lives across the country, and partially because he doesn;t approve of my life choices. Translation: he doesn't like where I stick my dick. He's a bigot and a homophobe.

But I was gonna get the birthday thing over with.

Well, somehow he get on the topic of Prop 8 and gays and lesbians right to marry.

Now, my Dad don;t talk about me being gay...but he knows I am. And he's met all of the past important men in my life.

Well he starts saying that he would probably voye for gays to have civil unions, but he doesn;t believe gays should be able to marry because "that's not what the Bible says and that is not the way laws are written. Plus, what if gays just start marrying so they can get benifits??"

My Dad is a colossal douchebag

I ask him if he really believes that I shouldn;t be able to get married and have the same rights as straight couples...

He starts talking about how it's not fair or right for people to ask for special rights. He says what's next? Are fat people gonna ask for special rights? Or people with red hair?

I tell him it's not the same thing.

I tell him that civil unions are the equivalent of separate but equeal. And every resonable, educated person knows that separate but equal was always separate but never equal.

He gets flustered. Starts his normal line of bullshit about how Obama is gonna get into office and "change everything around with his liberal friends" He says Obama wants to change the Constitution! Imagine that!

We argue. He makes a derogatory comment about gay relationships not being real, not being legitimate. he makes a joke, basically calling my ex a faggot and me a fudge packer.

I call him a bigoted crusty old fuck and hang up on him.

I am instantly and harshly reminded why I never talk to him.

And here I sit, trying my best let it roll off my back. Trying to fake-it-till-you-make-it smile with my kids.

But I'm hurt. And writing about it in a blog is better than punching a hole in the hole or plotting Shakespearean-worthy senarios or patricide.

I know some people actually do read this blog. And I am officially asking for feedback. Even if you just tell me to get over myself. Because maybe I need to. I don't know. Something needs to change tho.

Baracking the Presidency: Hopeful & Discouraged

2008-11-06T22:22:00.003-05:00

Something that I did not tell many people was that, in the last few weeks leading up to the election, and especially the day of the election, I was filled with an encompassing sense of dread. I was sure that Obama would have the Presidency wrenched from him in some devious way, or we'd see some repeat of 2000 or 2004.

I was scared, and I was sick...and my stomach was talking to me all day.

When Obama won Pennsylvania and then Ohio, I forgot my worries. To me, this process was like football is for heterosexuals. I was screaming at the TV, opunching my fists. And when he was declared President-elect, so relatively quickly and decisively, I was elated.

I felt that our country, one that I love, was finally hading in the right direction. After eight years of darkness, I could see the light. I'm sure a lot of people felt that way.

I listened to McCain's concession speech, breathing a sight of relief. I listened to Obama's speech, and realized something. For the first time in my adult life (with the exception of Hillary Clinton's campaign) I felt....hope, excitement, like maybe finally someone would be in the White House who cared about me and my friends and the people I love. Like maybe Obama will unite us, take steps to stregnthen the economy, maybe even become an ally to gay people.

I went to bed happy, and slept well.

Then I woke up. And during Wednesday I heard that Prop * had passed in California...

I was crestfallen. It was an outcome that represents rampant fear, ignorance and antiquated value judgements. More proof that homophobia and discrimination against homosexuals really is the last form of socially aceptable prejudice.

I'm deeply sorry for anyone in California that Prop 8 will effect. It is a social injustice that we should not stand for. I am profoundly sad and discouraged,

When will things change? How long do we have to wait for what should be ours without asking?

?

?

?

Baracking the Vote!

2008-11-04T15:10:00.003-05:00

Real fast!

I voted today! It was insane, almost 2 hours in line.

And when I was in line I heard people talking about Sigourney Weaver. Turns out she was at my polling place! Championing Obama. I was going to go shake her hand, but she left before I got out of line. Really tall tho, and dresed well., I saw her from my place in line. I don't know why she was there especially, but some people were saying she lives in Pennsylvania. That I don't know.

Anyways tho, you should all vote. Don't be a douchebag and not vote! No excuses bitches, go vote!

Barack the vote, people! (even tho I voted for Hillary in the primaries, I'm optimistic about Obama)

*crosses fingers and waits*

I love you all.

---me

Surprise! --- I Can't Keep My Dick In My Pants!

2008-10-30T23:16:00.003-04:00

I'm not actively looking for a guy, I'm not even passively looking for a guy, but I'm not perfect, I'm not a saint, and celibacy's a joke I wouldn't even try.

Surprise, surprise, I need sex. And I need adult interaction from people who don't work for me. I need the sanity that comes with meaningful conversation. But I have no time and no desire to expend any effort looking for it...

Yesterday I had to make myself go to the local wholesale place to stock up on supplies for the bakery and Halloween candy, etc. I honestly hate those types of places because everything is so time-consuming. And everything is huge, all the products, the people shopping, the lines are checkout. Everything is HUGE, and drawn out

Thank Beelzebub that I was able to convince Cesar to go with we, because he not only made it tolerable, but fun, if that's tolerable. Boy's got a sweet tooth something fierce. Like tranny Tyra fierce, Christian Siriano fierce, really fierce... Anyway...

I guess it makes sense since I have the bakery, but it still made me laugh. He's throwing packs of candy bars in the cart right and left it seemed. Like he'd never been to a place that this, and he was never going back. It just made me laugh, and it was nice to be with someone, having fun, no pressure...especially after Psycho Drew.

Oh, and I found some Lincon Logs at the place! Does anyone remember them??? I used to play with them when I was a wee mini munchkin. (OMG, am I old?) Whatever, I had to get some for Chaz. And then I can tell him how Daddy played with same toys when he was a kid. :)

Oh, and he's gonna be a baseball player for Halloween, which is tomorrow! You can thank the World Series for that one. But you know, when I was a kid I also went as a baseball player one year, so it's perfect :)

Oh, back to Cesar... Last night we went to see The Secret Life of Bees. God movie with Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys....

He's funny too, he's always speaking Spanish, and thinks it's funny that I don;t know what he's saying. Not in an annoying way, in an adorable way, in an easy way, in a I like spending time with you way. He says I need a little Latino flavor in my life, and maybe he's right.

I like my independence, I like that I have the freedom to do what I want. And I'm not giving that up. And I'm not compromising my children's situations. This is covered territory. But I do want someone to walk beside me. Eventually...

He seems to be intuitive...

During the movie he leaned his head over on my shoulder, well kind of with our heads touching.

Tomorrow is Halloween! I'm closing early so me and the Baby Mama can tkae the Chazinator trick or treating,

As is the usual lately, I am tired but happy.

Oh, and on a totally unrelated random note, I found out today that an ancestor of mine wrote a book. Fragments, by Ada Cora Shattinger. Published in 1940. I think it might be poetry because it's only 36 pages. I'm going to try to get a hold of a copy, but all that I've been able to find are library copies, mostly in California. I'm determined to get my hands on it tho. I'm curious :)

Maybe happy little blog elves will make it magically appear. :) Maybe...

The Healing Power of my Children.... and Dance

2008-10-27T23:01:00.003-04:00

Basically, forst of all, I want to thank everyone who has been posting on my blogs, both publicly and privately. I mostly write these blogs for myself as a way to get my thoughts out, but it's nice to have feedback as well. So I thank you.

No worries tho, I'm fine.

Yes, I will miss Mike. You can't be with someone for as long as we were, GET MARRIED, and just bounce back lickety split when shit goes to pot. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It's not a possibility, since he's not capable of the level of commitment that I am.

But I'm constantly reminded that I'm now in an awesome position: I'm a father. And every day my kids remind me of the beauty that can be found in the simplest of things. Chaz and Jensen are amazing. Just to hear Chaz laugh or giggle, or for him to tell me what he wants for breakfast in the morning. It's so adorable and makes me so happy, and I feel priviliged to have these two perfect little people in my life each day.

When I am sad or upset, I can easily remember how much I love my boys, and I know that one day I will find the right guy. Kids make you realize that you can in fact do things that you never thought you could.

Whenever the day comes that I do find that guy, I know I'm already ready. What could prepare me better than having kids? They're living, breathing perspective. And their lessons are not lost on me, Although I will undoubtedly have bad days, I cannot linger in the mindset of those days, because, with grace and innocence, my children won't let me.

---

And since I've decided to take a step back away from guys for the time being, I've had even more time for exercise, especially dance. While it seems that I almost always go to bed tired lately (what's new?), somehow I have more energy because dancing always makes me happy. It's something I've done off and on since I was a teenager, even taking some classes, but now I just doing it for exercise and fun.

And sometimes Chaz will dance with me, which is just so adorable it mkes me laugh so hard that my eyes water.

I'm happy. I'm healing.

Now, if only we can all get thru next Tiesday minus the alien and the bimbo (McCain/Palin)....

Obama Biden '08! *crosses fingers*

Pesky Memories...

2008-10-23T20:08:00.003-04:00

Today I had a meeting, so this morning when I was getting ready I decided to wear some cologne, spraying several around in the closet to decide on one. Tonight, when I came home and went up to change again, the whole closet spelled of Mike.

Mike always wore cologne, well, very often, and I will always remember the smell. It wasn't pleasant tho, not to smell it now. Felt like his ghost had been here for a visit, and had only just left.

After I kicked him out I gathered up all of *our* stuff. Framed pictures, etc. and lugged them to the storage part of the basement to get them out of my face.

Intellectually I know I am better off without him. He still had issues with his sexuality and sexual preference, and for a million and one reasons he was incapable of staying in a real relationship. All that is painful for me to admit, but it's true.

In my head I know I dodged a bullet. Or, in point of fact, I didn't dodge it, but...it didn't kill me.

I have a lot of great memories of, and with Mike. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't have my kids right now if I hadn't been with Mike. If that's true, it's ironic then that the kids are what made Mike run. Well, the responsibility of them anyway.

I don't know where this blog is going...

I wonder how he feels about me now, or if he even thinks of me. Or maybe he feels like he dodged a bullet too. He probably does, and that's sad.

I wonder how he'd feel if he could have seen me earlier tonight with Chaz, sitting in my lap, reading him a story. Cuz, I mean, really, once you have kids, they are the most important thing to you in your life. Mike never allowed himself to feel that way about Chaz.

Where are the Ghostbusters when you need them?

Nikka Costa @ World Cafe Live: Come On, Get Ur Ass Up!

2008-10-21T23:56:00.002-04:00

I've just returned from the Nikka Costa concert at the World Cafe Live in Philly, and I'm so fucking happy that I went. Literally, my hands are swollen in places from clapping so much, and I'm a little sweaty from dancing so much, but I loved it.

From her second song, which was Life a Feather, the crowd was pumped and it never stopped. For anyone who doesn't know of Nikka Costa and has never heard her music, please go out and buy her CDs, you won't be dissapointed. I've been a fan for years now, but this was my first time seeing her live.

Nikka Costa is a force on stage, she's brilliant, and her energy is infectious. World Cafe Live is a small and intimate venue, so any seat, or any spot, is a good one.

Towards the end of her set, on stage with her sizable band, she started singing, "Come on, get your ass up!" and was making anyone that was sitting down get up and dance. It was funny and it was envigorating at the same time.

And I think that's going to be my mantra from now on: Come on, get your ass up!

The last few days have been difficult because I found out some things about Drew that I didn't like.

Sunday I celebrated Chaz's 2 and a half year birthday with a lot of friends, and Drew was there. He left early and called me later, explaining that he had picked up my cell phone by mistake and had it. See, we both have Razors. He was very apologetic and offered to bring it over, but I said I'd just pick it up in the morning, and he said he'd leave the phone by the front door and a key under the mat.

Well, I got there Monday morning and there is no key. I look under the mat and all around and no key. So when I get to work, I call Drew and no answer. No big deal, Drew usually returns calls within an hour. But he doesn't.

I call a few times during the day. No answer. I call after work. I'm worried, he has never not answered his phone or not returned a call for so long before. I actually started to think something might be wrong and was going to go over to his house the next day and check things out.

Before I go to bed Monday night, I call one last time. He finally picks up.

He tells me he's done something bad. I'm worried, and ask, "What??"

Basically, he took my phone (on purpose), listed to a bunch of messages that were either new (I never had gotten them because he had my phone) or old, got jealous by whatever he heard, decided to delete a bunch of my saved and new messages, and then went so far as to delete a bunch (later I discovered it was all of the guy's numbers in my phone, including family members, and ones I don;t know by heart and might be hard to get back, including some work contacts) of programed numbers from my phone.

He's telling me all this, and we actually talk for quite a while. And I'm just getting angrier and angrier. He took my phone and listened to private messages and deleted information. And all because he's jealous because I'm single and dating more than one guy. Which he knew, from the start. And seemed to be okay with.

And he keeps apologizing and crying and telling me this and that and getting hysterical. And all I can think is that he seems crazy and has boundary issues. And he justseems unstable.

I went and got the phone late last night after I got off the phone with him. I told him I think we don;t need to see each other anymore.

And to myself, I think that I need to make a few changes in my life. Mainly that I need to concentrate on myself, and surround myself only with my kids and my friends. And I need to be more discriminating about who I let in my life.

And right now, Drew's no longer ion my life.

Back to my new mantra tho. Come on, get up off your ass. It could not have come at a better time.

See, I'm not gonna let this thing with Drew bother me.

Why? Because I'm living life. I'm getting my ass up. I'm seeing a great, inspirational singer. And I'm getting some perspective.

So, it's official: guys are taking a backseat in my life. What is important is my kids, my friends, and being sucessful in my business.

I'm not kicking Cesar to the curb. I'm not stupid enough to screw something that could potentially be good. But I am gonna explain my new philosophy to him, and see what he thinks about it.

And we shall see, I guess. But I'm not worried either way.

I just needed to get all that out.

Thoughts in my Mind...

2008-10-19T19:22:00.003-04:00

So lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life, and who I want it with. Ever since Mike rabbit-punched me in the balls, cheating (with a 20-year-old pharmacy cashier -- how's that not supposed to hurt?), and I ended it...to be honest, I've been in shock, and felt lost. Yes, I soldier on and continue to move and live and date and breathe and dance and try to smile, but I'm a mess.

My kids and my business keep me sane, and they keep me going, keep me excited, keep me hopeful. I love them, I love my kids. They are me, and I am them. They give me purpose. They give me so much, in the simplest of interactions. Just looking in their eyes, I see two little boys who need me, and deserve to have great and fufilling lives. And I resolve to fufill that promise.

Beyond the fufillment of my children and my business tho, something is missing. When everything is done for the night, the kids are in bed asleep, I've made any necessay phone calls, and I'm only left with me, myself and I, in my bed, only left my thoughts, lights off, eyes closed, oblivious of the things around me other than endless, encompassing black, I'm confronted with the nagging realization, the persisitent, nagging certainty -- that something is missing.

I don't have have anyone to spend my life with; I am alone, and it's not meant to be this way. I'm not built to be alone. I'm built to be in a loving relationship. And I don't know if that will ever happen for me. For sure, I'll keep trying. But, will I just keep getting cheated on?

The truth is, I'm not a particularly special guy. I do normal things and have a normal life. Outside of being gay and having kids (by natural means) I haven;t done much that is unusual or noteworthy. I know how to capitalize on what I've got, but I'm nowhere near close a model, or anywhere near close to the smartest guy in the room. Plus, in May I'll be 30, which doesn;t bother me personally, but is noonetheless, true. And all my recet relatioships have ended in my significant other cheating on me.

And all this makes me wonder: Am I the one with the fatal flaw? Does the fact that I do my best to give all of myself to a boyfriend, does that send flares me that spell out C-H-E-A-T-O-N-M-E in the night sky?

Such as it is, I try to live my life and lead by example. I owe it to Chaz and Jensen to lead a respectable and integrous life. I try to do the right thing, and I value tolerance and knowlege over ignorance.

All that...doesn't keep me warm at night. And ya, I mjight be dating. But the truth is, I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen with all that, if anything will come of anything with Drew or Cesar or Ivan. Well, definitely not Ivan. But with Drew or Cesar.

Or, am I just licking my wounds and burying my hurt and depression with sex? I know it's not that simple -- I know I care more than that, but do I owe Chaz and Jensen more than that? Should I just stop everything, and just heal? And can I heal, will I heal, without the distraction of the possibility of a new, better, more healthy and fufilling relationship? Can I heal, if I remain single?

I love my kids more than I will ever love any man, this I know. But I have a lot of love within myslf, and I need an equal partner to give this love to, and get love back from.

But at night in my bed, alone with my thoughts, I'm scared.

I'm scared that that kind of love is an illusion, at best a mirage; I think I can see, but it's never really there, not for me. Is a truly healthy relationship possible?

I'm scared that it isn't.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my bed will never be filled by someone who deserves to be there. I'm scared that I will never find someone who truly loves me, to lay in my bed, and rest their head on my chest.

Is fidelity an illusion, possible only until the next cock or ass comes along? Will my complete inability and lack of desire to cheat ever be reciprocated?

I lay awake and think about all these things, and I'm scared...

Dating -- It's a Smorgasbord...and my Tummy Hurts!

2008-10-12T14:59:00.002-04:00

Haha, nah, my tummy is fine. But this the first time I've had to myself since Friday morning. But this has probably been the best Friday to Sunday (or weekend, der) that I've had in a long time.

Friday I took the menchkins to work with me for a while, and then took them to Jenn's. It's a bit worrisome that Chaz is seeming not to like going over to his Mom's and would rather stay with me, but I'm breaking him of that, or trying. It's bugging Jenn too, and she's thinking she should spend more time with them, this weekends at Mommy's. But anway...

I worked all day and I met Cesar at the momies. This is the guy that my friend Janelle was wanting to set me up with. I got there a little early and he was waiting out front and I was kind of annoyed because his friend Elena was with him. I mean, I wasn't sure what she was doing there, but it seemed a lttle frickin' middle school to me. This was meant to be a group hang. But whatever. She was really kind of annoying, stereotypical big-breasted, fat-assed fag hag, but she did leave after the movie.

Movie was good, Eagle Eye, but I missed part of it because Cesar decided to get frisky, haha. All I'm gonna say is we were in the back, and it's not been out that long, there were a lot of people in the theatre, and I know some of them knew what was going down. Boy's got some oral skills, and I don't mean singing....heheh ;)

After the movie, both of us were hungry so we got McDonald's which I never go, but it was so good. And Cesar had an appetite, which was nice, a fag who actually eats, haha, but ya. And he's fuckin cute too. He's half Cuban and half Puerto Rican which my friend tiold me means that he'd have a big dick, haha (shoult out to Danny, haha), And has also has a smackable, squeezable kneadable bubble butt, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We ended up going back to the house and we sat outback a while talking and kissing and messing around before we made it to the bedroom and crashed a few hours later. Ya, fuuuun., mmmhmm. Janelle gets several points on the awesomely awesome friend score board. Very nice.... ;)

Saturday morning we had brekafast and Cesar left. On the way to work I saw a sign for a community yard sake so I stopped. It's in this cute subdivision of townhouses near the bakery. Well, anyways, I was going around, looking for nothing in particular, maybe something like a toy for the kids and I came up to this cute couple standing by a card table selling odds and enda. Actually, they were both hot, probably mid to late 20s.

They were chatty and talkative and tried to intrest me in a hot air balloon ride for one that they had won somewhere and never used. We all laughed about what anyone would want to go on a hot air balloon by themselves, wtf, right? Thye were trying to get me to buy something, asking me what I was looking for. I told them I was really not looking for much, but I collected shot glasses, and was looking for devilled egg dishes for my Mom (she collects them too)

The girl says she's got one she'll never use, asks me if I want to come in and look at it. So we all go in and it was really funny because they were standing together in their kitchen all couply and cute and fuckable and she starts in.

"Can I just ask you -- are you single?" I answered yes, and was laughing to myself, thought I had misread them, was this girl trying to ask me out??? I didn't think so. But my answer makes them both happy. It's Saturday morning, I'm slow.

They Introduce themselves, Aaron and Kelly. I'm totally amused, what do they want? Basically, they want to know if I'd be interested in either hooking up with Aaron while Kelly watched, or a threesome if I'm into that. I start laughing, can;t believe I was so slow on the uptake. It was still early. Aaron was talking about how they had been wanting to experiment with another guy but didn;t know anyone, and they were afraid to use MySpace or facebook or Craig's List.

Shit, they're both fuckin cute. Aaron is shorter than me with lifght brown short hair and what looked like a decent body from what I could tell in the tshirt and shorts. Kelly is [petite with short blonde hair. I'd be stupid to veto it outright.

And, I found out, they were both good kissers, haha. Shit, it's still now writing about it, but I hae to laugh and process. We got each other's numbers. And completely forgot about the devilled egg dish, haha, Oh well, heheh

But yaaaa, so after, after I went to see the munckins again and drop pff this cute stuffed basketbll I found. Chaz was happy to se me, but he informed me that I needed to leave, so they could go to the orchard, haha. All play-stern, and then he laughed. They love going there. I wish I could have painted his face right then and there. Jensen had just had a little drink of milk, and gave me a smile.

I worked all day and Drew showed up at night. We had another band, and that went well again, which makes me happy. I'm really trying to distinguish my business from other bakeries or restaurants in the area. Live entertainment in fun and it gets a new type of client for the bakery and attracts more business. Plus, I love being aroubnd people in that atmosphere. I love live music, and I love introducing the band. I love making sure everyone is happy and pleased and has everything (foodwise) that they need.

I think everyone enjoyed it, It'll probably sound cheesy, but it really makes me feel alive to hear live music, in a similar way that being around Chaz and Jensen makes me feel alive. It just makes me really happy.

OK, Queerbert McFuck, I'll stop being so gay.

But ya, Drew and I didn;t crash till like 1:30, then didn;t sleep till 2:30. I'm liking him a lot, but I'm still enjoying being single.

In the morning we went and got the kids and Jenn and took them to see the treehouse at the Gardens near the house. It's really nice, not a typical treehouse. They had also carved a few (HUGE) pumpkins and we let Chaz sit on them haha. They were taller than he is, haha, After than, Jenn left with the kids. After that we went and let Chaz pick out a pumpkin. Hopefully we can carve them tomorrow It was a nice day weather wise (brilliant), but we disn;t want Jensen out too long being so young, plus Jenn was gonna take them to see her parents tonight, and I'll go get them in the morning.

Drew and I stayed and we walked around out in the breeze, enjoying the day. There was some sort of walk for muscular dystrophy going on, it was really busy.

On the way home, Drew informed me that the kids didn;t scare him. I started to laugh, and I think it bothered him. I know he's getting closer to me, and he told me that the idea of being with someone with kids, or being responsible for them, etc. didn;t scare him at all. Makes me feel good for sure, but it is something I will have to file away for later. But it dioes mean something, alot, to me.

It's too fast tho. I need to process, I need to spend more time with him, be sure he means that. Figure out how I feel about him.

Till then, I'm gonna see Ivan tonight.

Till then, I'm gonna try to get some sleep, a little nap at least. Plus, I probably need to make some calls. I got calls from both Ivan and Cesar (and Drew) this weekend while I was out with other guys. But it's not like any of them don;t know the deal. I'm single, but I can't deal with anything majorly serious at the moment.

So why not get laid on the meantime? ;)

Mmm, I may got outside for a bit. Such great weather. I LOVE it!

We saw Eagle Eye, good movie

Dating: The Brave New World

2008-10-04T17:25:00.002-04:00

I've been nudged and asked enough times by the munchkins and drawves and gnomes that read my blog for a new update that I've relented. Apparently I do have a human following, but it's the leprechauns and faeries that are most vocal. Apparently...

Anyhow, here's what's been going on...

I've been seeing more of Drew (the guy I mentioned in the last blog) and have been enjoying spending time with him. We spent a whole day and night together, and were with my older son for part of the time, and I guess he passed that test. Didn;t run screaming at the sight of Chaz.

We also watched the Vice Presidential debate on Thursday together (we're both very political).

I'm liking him more, but still, for my sake, need to keep him at somewhat of a distance, which has gotten hard already, since he's been asking questions about Mike, my ex. Drew has also told me that he doesn;t think I know how much he really likes me.

I talked to Drew and told him that I still need things to go slow, and for my own piece of mind, I also need to start dating other people (because Drew is the first guy I've dated since Mike and I split -- which I know Drew wasn't in love with) but I also told him that, if it's important to him, I'll try to answer questions about Mike and mine's relationship -- although I told him I won;t want to talk about it at any real legnth (any negative emotion like sadness makes me feel incredibly unfortable and I'm not wanting to meltdown in front of Drew). But anyway, that is tonight. Oh joy, I can't wait, right?

Also, Wednesday I met Ivan, aka Russian Pizza Guy, when I as picking up the pizza that I ordered since I was too lazy and tired to cook for myself.

I had Chaz and Jensen with me, and RPG asked if they were my little brothers (lolzz), while patting Chaz on the head and saying how cute he was. On ething lead to another and he gave me his number. It always shocks me a little when guys approach in every day places, but I know I was all gayed out (clotheswise) and I know it was probably obvious. Gay-tight clothes and a flat top, but why not? I had a heachache and kinda felt crappy, and most of the time dressing up makes me feel better.

Anyweird, we went out last night, and it was very FUN. The time at the restaurent was abbreviated, after we discovered we weren't hungry....for food.

I have to say, I wasn;t expecting much from Ivan, didn;t think we'd have much in common, but I respect any guy who has the balls to approach me, and he was cute (looks like a Russian Chad Michael Murray) so I thought it'd be fun.

I still don;t know how much we have in common outside of bed, but there was an instant attraction and a hell of a lot of chemistry in bed.
-------
******OK, in case any ankle biters from Flixster are reading this, stop now. Go play a video game or watch Hannah Montana*********

STOP NOW

------------

OK, that was my attempt.

Ivan's fucken hot. Muscley, but not too much, and tattos everywhere, which I didn;t notice when I got the pizza. And he liked mine (I have four, including a very big one of a cross, among other things on my back). He actually told me we had to go get tats together.

We were in bed for several hours, and I didn;t pass out til about 3:30 - 4 am. It's kinda sad, but I think Ivan and I had a lot more chemistry (sexually anyway) then me and my ex did (because we're into some of the same things which I'm not gonna enumerate here)

I woke up at 11:45 this morning, and that never happens, I never sleep in, and Ivan was still sleeping next to me. I had to run, but will call him soon.

So tonight is the talk with Drew. Drew. Drew, who I actually like, both sexually and a ton of other ways.

Gotta say, I'm loving being single right now.

Later.....

Non-date becomes a date

2008-09-23T14:09:00.002-04:00

This past weekend I had a date. It was the first substantial vertical interaction I'd had with a guy since Mike and I broke up. Broke up... Correction -- since I found out he was cheating on me and threw his ass out. But I'm not too bitter now, just being accurate.

Until now, I was perectly content to refer to this date as a non-date, mostly because the idea of a date seemed to serious, too much to handle, and a non-date seemed simple and fun. Plus, I was bored and he was cute (he has been coming to the bakery since not long after it opened), so I said yes.

Still, I thought it best not to plan anything, it being a non-date and all.

But it went well, and I was surprised, relieved and happy to find out that I could have fun, that it came natural, that I wasn't hesitant.

He was interesting. I was interested and he seemed interested in me, and conversation came easily, flowing between the two of us in a comfortable way. We talked, asking each other all the normal questions, and we both laughed easily.

I saw a lot of qualitites in Drew that I like.

So we're hanging out tomorrow.

While I may not be ready for anything major yet, it's comforting that I can date. Especially since I'm not one to dwell on negative and unfortunate things in my life. And since I quickly came to terms with the fact that Mike and I are 100% over, since he's done this before, and he knew the score before.

I guess I'll become more active in seeking out more dates, or at least letting my friends set me up :)

Eventually I'll actually find the ever elusive ideal: a guy who appreciates me and all I have to offer, and who I can appreciate in the same way, and who won't run away from something real.

That's the aim.

Now I have to run. Didn;t really even have time to write this blog but I wanted to.

Now is the....fall...of my discontent

2008-09-15T11:27:00.002-04:00

A lot has happened in the six weeks since I updated my blog last. And ya, it's not exactly fall yet with a high today of 83 degrees, but I am "discontent", or maybe, content but unhappy. If you think about it long enough, it's not nearly as oxymoronic as it sounds.

The happy news first:

The second little munchkin showed up to the party on August 19th, perfectly perfect and adorable, praise Jesus, the Mexican guy at the corner store; they make the best tamales, you kniow?

But seriously, the name is eventually settled on was Jensen Noah Riley, figuring that if he hated his name when he grew up, he'd have two other perfectly good names to go by if he chooses. He's just shy of a month old now and I love holding him and just spending time with him and being his dad. I know I forgot how small Chaz was, now that he's a terror ;)

In fact, Chaz did the cutest thing about a week ago. I had a friend staying with me, and we decided to pop in a Justin Timberlake DVD I bought and never watched. Well, in the begginning of the concert Justin started beat boxing and I was imitating him (for some reason, whenever I hear beatboxing, I have to join in) and Chaz started trying to imitate me, hahaha We were laughing so hard!

I swear, Chaz will probably grow up to the gay and one of his "roots" will be watching the JT DVD with Daddy, hahaha

---

The bakery is still going really well. I've even had a band play there one night (which went really) well and have plans for a second night soon with a different band. I also have scored two other corporate accounts, which means $ for me, which is, of course, always good.

---

Now the news I've been leaving till last. Not too long ago I found out that Mike was cheating on me. I'm not gonna bother to write tons about it, and bearly anyone reads this blog and comments, and all of my friends already know, but suffice it to say, I kicked him out and ended it for good.

He's a pig-fucking thundercunt, but whatever, I'm dealing.

But I guess Forrest Gump was right, Life really is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

So I'm single now, and plan to stay that way for a while. Truthfully, the idea of beginning to date again makes me sick to my stomach.

We shall see what happens. In any case, I know that with my kids and my business, I am really lucky and so shouldn;t stay down in the dumps about Mike for too long.

I'll try to update this more often. Try.

What's new, Mr. Magoo?

2008-08-03T20:11:00.003-04:00

I'm really not in the practice of updating my blog on any sort of basis that could be termed 'regular.' In other words, I haven't written in a while and I supposed I need to...or I should.

Today marks the end of the second week of the bakery's operation, and business has been really good. I guess it helps that I had an existing client base and good word of mouth as well as the mailings/publicity. But I'm really happy. Having Mike right there with me and being able to interact with the public on a daily basis is very gratifying. I'm really loving it.

It was a little shaky for a while but we worked out some kinks and *crosses fingers* there haven;t been any major catastrophes.

Jenn will pop within the next few weeks. We are thinking Jensen Daniel Riley (two middle names) as a name, but we are not 100% concrete on that. I wouldn;t be surprised if it changed again before the big day.

I'm not as petrified as I was the first time around. At least I know I can do it now, and our support network in formly in place.

Jenn is already talking about a third. Mike and I aren't convinced ;)

--

Perhaps it's not the best time for it, but Mike and I have had a few threesomes with our neighbor Will. So far it's going well. I'm not complaining... ;)

A little update for anyone still reading my sad, sad blog ;)

Gay for gain....

2008-05-14T12:44:00.003-04:00

You probably all know what "gay for pay" means, right? It's when a straight guy does gay porn for the money. (In straight porn, the guys are basically props and don't get paid much).

Well, a few days ago I was watching a biography of James Dean on TV and a friend from his back in the 1950s (I don;t know who she was but I recognized her face from TV) said that he would basically fag out for connected guys in the entertainment industry if it means getting ahead. She said he was bi.

I had never thought about the possibility of this before, not for guys anyway. I mean, I'm certainly bi-capable, but am also totally gay, and would never hazard a mackerel mustache for personal gain.

At the same time tho, bisexuality intrigues me. And I can;t help wondering... James Dean was only 24 years old when he died. What if he really was gay, but died before he fully realized it? Or what if he really was bi, and not just for personal gain?

If he was still alive he'd be 77... He only made three films (which I still need to see, btw) and made such an impact. No telling what he could have/would have done if he had more time.

In a time when all self-respecting homos are supposed to droll over Madonna and Mariah...fuck that horseshit, give me James Dean any day. I like him even more now.

Straight for gain? Not for me, haha. Except baby-making ;)

A lizard in the sun...

2008-05-08T20:59:00.002-04:00

That's what I've been lately, a lizard in the sun. I LOVE warm weather and I'd spend 24 hours a day outside if it were possible. Now that it's not Christmas, luscious or otherwise....

So what has happened?

The third week of April the little man Chas turned 2 and had a pimped out birthday. It's such a trip to witness every day how he is turning into a little person. I don't know if I will ever get over when he comes up to me and huge my leg. Totally adorable and makes me feel awesome no matter what kind of day I'm having.

Not that I can complain much at all lately. I actually had my birthday a little less than a week ago and it was a great time. Family, friends, everything, and no crazy drama, for once. Mike and I are the best we've ever been.

And, THE BIG NEWS???

Jenn is preggers again and is due in August and it will be another boy, thank God, you all know I;d be lost with a girl ;) Taking suggestions for names, by the way.

Ya, it was when we were in Miami, and Jenn just came out with we should have another kid, and at first I thought she was kidding. But not kidding, haha. And now there is another bundle of awesomeness on the way. Who knew the homo would be a babymaker???. My sibs are still useless in that department.

But, AMAZINGLY, my sister isn;t such a huge mess anymore. She never went to rehab, but she's actually half ways trying to get her shit together, and I have my fingers crossed, bu7t get back to me in 6 months, right?

She got a few more DUIs and has some court dates coming up and I think all that has finally scared her into not being such a raging fuckwit. No, but seriously, I do hope she gets it together. She's gone off all of her meds, which she should have never been on in the first place and is going to therapy.

Business is still going well, maybe too well, and I'm thinking of opening up a real shop, but all that is still in the early stages. I don't know if it's worth doing, with the time commitment. we shall see.

Maybe I'll start writing in my blog again. I kind of forgot about it, and my days are pretty full right about now anyway, but I kind of like writing

And the next blog will be better, I promise, heheh

Christmaslicious

2007-12-17T11:54:00.000-05:00

Well, apparently it's been so long since I blogged that one of the handful that read it complained (haha), so here's a new blog, Gabe, heheh.

We finally put up a smaller version of our tree a few day ago (like 8ft instead of 14) which I actually really like because it takes a lot less time to put together. It's pretty and it puts me in the Christmas spirit more than I had been. Soon we will wrap some gifts and put them under the tree. Chas' stocking is hung too, next to mine and Mike's (yes, we do it too, heheh)

I've gotten MOST of my Christmas shopping done as well, but by this point I've abandoned the malls altogether in favor of the Internet (I love shopping in my underwear, heheh)

My cake business has really taken off as well and is keeping me busy during Christmas. I like it tho because if I didn;t have a million things going on I;d be bored. Plus, I've already found that I have some repeat customers, and we've met some really cool people.

I'm not sure what the plan is for Christmas yet. Drunkella is going to England (YAY! -- will leave Tuesday) so we get custody of her fat cats for two weeks, who I love her. Not sure about the logistics yet of dividing time between my fam and Mike's, but I know we will all get together at some point. *crosses fingers his dad isn't involved*

Wednesday we're having a surprise birthday for my sister in law with both fams involved (again, minus my sis who will be in England by then, YAY!) Yesterday was our Christmas with them, which suits me fine.

OH, and today our new TV was delivered. 65' Mitzubishi flat panel for the basement, it's fucken schweet (Danny, a little closer to Wendy's estimation of a 100' TV, fucken red=headed menace).

Not sure if I'll update before Christmas again or not. If not, Merry Christmas. Or happy eight-nights-of-shitty-gifts-Day if you'tr Jewish, haha, jk. I love Jews, yay.

Later

Babies!

2007-12-08T18:36:00.000-05:00

OK, first of all, I fixed the link from the last blog. taht shit just makes me laugh, and there's something wrong with you if you don't laugh at that. i say again, WHO DANCES LIKE THAT????!, heheh

oh, and i'm not really digging the whole blog thing...but i might keep it to just have somewhere to poop out my thoughts.]

thursday night mike and i went out to dinner and the movie (enchanted - surprisingly fun), and it was really nice. we don;t go out just the two of us very often, what with chas, there's not a lot of chance to.

but there was a guy out buying tix at the theatre and he had three boys with him, probably the oldest was 10. each one looked like an older (or younger) version of the next and i noticed but didn;t comment and mike brushed my arm and said, "wouldn't it be nice if that was us someday?"...which just made me feel good.

i don;t know how many i'd want, but jenn started trying again recently. it would depend a lot on jenn, but i might want three. well, definitely i want a little BROTHER (or sister) for chas to play with so he's not an only child, but three seems better to me. i'm one of three....and both mike and jenn have big families.

chas will soon be 20 months, and if she conceived now and went full term, that would mean chas would be 2 years, 4 months-ish... that's a good spacing, right.

I just think it'd be cool to have a big family. and my shiftless sibs aren;t having any kids so i gotta pick up the slack ;-)

later

Daily Fun

2007-12-05T23:58:00.000-05:00

Hilarious, bit who dances like that? LOL

http://www.glumbert.com/media/dancewhiteboy

puff, puff, get your own!

2007-12-04T18:53:00.000-05:00

no, not weed. But I'm smoking cigarettes again. I do that....in times of stress, but it's uaully only a few and I throw out the pack... not this time. I forgot that I ENJOY smoking... I won;t keep doing it, I'll stop, but shit, I need one vice... I run and work out and dance every day... and I don;t drink any soda and barely eat any meat anymore... of course I drink, but i have my sister making me look like a saint in that respect, so i'm covered there.

but ya, smoking, newports, menthol.... mMmMmmMmMMmmMmMmM

i'm stressed about christmas, what to get mike? what to get a million other people, but really mike? cuz...i always get him something really good. i know it'll come to me...eventually. but i have impulse problems. i've been buying tons of shit online.

it might sound fucked up, but i think mike cheating on me was the best thing that could have happened to us... i'm not gonna get into why it happened (at least not in this blog), but it was good, because he fucking grew up in the year we were apart, and, more importantly, he let go of his hang ups about sex.

i'm not sure if it's his guilt, but i don;t really care why. i mean, i knew i was more experienced that mike, that was obvious, but when we got together i didn;t figure he'd be so unadventurous. but he's lossening up now, and allowing me to introduce him to new experiences.

don;t get me wrong, i'm ALWAYS respectful, i just think that sex doesn;t always have to be *sacred*, and not always between just two people. not that I'd ever cheat in a million years...i have too much self respect for that, and i'm not stupid either.

i'm sure i'll talk about that more later. Until then, let the pic stimulate your imagination.

I love shoes

2007-12-02T11:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went out with the friend from my last blog to celebrate her birthday and had so much fun...SHOPPING!

OK, first we wnt to Best Buy and I got the new jt dvd live from madison square garden which mike and i will totally whack to later. oh, and also an amy winehouse dvd, cuz you know that shit is gonna be funny.

then a NEW shoe store I didn;t even know existed! and found some cool new NB sneakers, and if you know me, you know I have a total sneaker fetish so I was crazy happy.

then to hollywood video where i bought some new vids (little children, the lives of others and two weeks).

then we went to the liquor store where we bought the essentials (mike's hard lime and mike's hard berry and some pina calada shit i never had any of).

then we went to cold stone creamery (which I'd never been to before), but if you don;t know it's this totally sinful ice cream place and chrissy bought a red velvet ice cream cake.

then we went back to her apartment and had cake and alcohol and watched hours of forensic files on court tv which was so lame but we fuigured out we both love it, and I had so much fun.

oh, and she has two pugs which she used to breed, but had them fixed. anyway, the female one was constantly humping the male one, which i couldn;t stop laughing at the entire night.

oh ya, and i forgot we went to nj where she grew up and she showed me around, i met her mom and step dad, who are hilarious, watching hgtv and bitching about the crappy design choices people make. and amazed i had never heard of ufc?? ultimate fighting something or other? does anyone know? anyway, they totally get off on it, her mom hilariously gave her shit because she wasnl;t wearing a coat (she's 29, haha)

anyway, great time, so fun.

then came home and found out that my sister had gotten drunk again and made a huge scene during Stomp, which her and my brother in law went to see. whatever, I mean I have no faith in her and am totally disgusted.

but so, a mostly good night.

Mommie Dearest

2007-11-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

OK, the title is totally uncalled for...but this is my blog...

I don;t see my mother all that often. I don't call her on the phone all the time either.

That's something she gives me a lot of crap for... Mostly because my sister seems to call her 43 times a day and my brother makes a point to call her once a day. OK, so my siblings make me look bad, at least in that respect.

I guess I don't talk to her that often because, of all her children, I live the closest to her and I feel I can see her whenever I want and don't need to be all up in her ass. Makes sense, right?

Well, I hadn;t seen her since TG, so today she calls me and wants to go shopping. I mean, I like to shop, so, fuck ya, I'll go. Plus, I needed to get a gift for a friend's birthday.

So like, blah, fast forward, I decided on a gift card as the biggest part of the gift, a Visa gift card so she can buy whatever she wants. I thought about some other more personal shit, but I didn;t want to take a chance on getting her something she didn;t like. And I know she likes free money ;)

But my mom (who, for the last few years, has gift-bombed us at birthdays and Christmas, etc., with lavish gifts), bitched at me because she thought I was paying too much money. She said, "You don;t even spend that much on your brother and sister!", all like a moose and shit.

The amount I spent isn't important (it wasn't THAT much), but the reason I don't spend much on my sibs is because they don;t spend much on me (except my half bro, we aspend a lot on each other) and a big reason for that is because my Mom tries to impose a price cap on gifts that is low.

So she just makes this huge scene in the store, being all loud and annoying, and she thinks nothing of it. She's so strange sometimes. Anyway, it embarassed me.

Egghh, I dunno, I'm over it.

Sorry for the boring blog, haha (for the handful that read it, haha)

Reflection

2007-11-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

As I get older I find that I need very few things in order to be happy.

Sure, I need music, I need film, I need some sort of creative expression or outlet

I need Mike, I need Chas, I need SOME members of my extended family.

I need goals, I need achievement, I need to know that I'm contributing to the world in some way that is exemplary and socially responsible.

What I really need...is Mike's head on my chest as he and I sleep...or the look of wonderment in Chas' eyes that lets me know he is happy and safe.

That both of the most important men in my life are happy and safe. That's what I need to know.

Any night that I know that is a night that I will sleep well.

Tonight I will sleep brilliantly.

Tit jobs and shit bombs

2007-11-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me say that's my sister's intervention went well on Sunday. We all went out to lunch at Red Robin and then went back to her house to talk. I thought she gonna be a huge bitch about it, but she was really receptive and it was encouraging. She has an appt. tonight with a psychologist and then another at some (soon) later date with a psychiatrist to discuss the alcolohism and asess her mental state and determine the right rehab for her. I hope it'll be an in-patient 24 hour a day type of thing, for her sake so she can better.

OK, tit jobs...

My sister used to have mini muffin top tits and then one day around the beginning of the year I ghuess I saw her and noticed they were huge (for her). I didn;t want to come right out and ask her, so I asked my Mom who predictably said she had no idea (of course she knew, and I knew better). Then when we went back for my cousin's wedding several of my cousin's remarked on it.

Well...tonight I call my brother just to see what's up and we are discussing the intervention and whatnot and he tells me that the other day he got a call from her and she was drunk and she says, "So you know I got a boob job, right?"

Classic Kimberley, spilling her guts when she's trashed.

Shit bombs...

My friend Chrissy and I were sort of having a potty time convo and she told me about what happened to her Friday night. Apparently, every time she eats spaghetti she gets sick. Well, she went over to a friends house to drop off her dogs and was invited to stay for dinner...which was spaghetti. Well, she figured she'd be fine, since it doesn;t happen every time..... So they ate and went to Happy Harry's to do some shopping and she starts getting a pain. She ended up having to take her friend's car back to the house (since the store's bathroom was out of order) and taking a huge shit.

Well, she drives back to the store and is trying to pick out wrapping paper and she gets another pain. So she finally gets back to the house again and runs in the bathroom and is making all this noise, farting and shitting, and one of her pugs busts the door open and she's in the bathroom with the door open.

She said it was so embarassing because her friend's husband heard everything and SMELLED it later and etc., and she'd kill me if she knew I wrote about it haha

Oh well ;)

What's Happenin' Now

2007-11-25T10:39:00.000-05:00

No, this blog isn;t about the TV show from the '70s and '80s, although I do love me some Rerun, with his fatness and his beret, you know he was stylin ;)

No, this is an update of what's gone on over Thanksgiving and since then. Since I've gotten a lot of feedback from flixster kids saying they're reading (where are the comments, bitches? ;) )

But anyway...Wednesdaay night with my brother in law's step sister and her oh-so-must-be dykalicious oily-haired friend was pretty nice actually. They were painfully shy at first. but warmed up and actually spoke.

Thursday was the mess tho.

My sister had evidently stayed up Wednesday night and got drunk and she ended up showing up at my bro's apartment noticably hung over/drunk.

Other than that tho the day was pretty good. Got to see my sister in law's family and meet her brother's new gf who's hilariously loud and opinionated, like I can be sometimes, but not as loud, heheh.

But anyway, Friday, I called my brothwer in law and had a long talk with him and we organized an intervention, which is happening today. More like I gave him the balls to call my parents and get it going.

So, that will be my next blog...how the intervention gies...and I hope it goes well, because i know my brother in law is fed up and will divorce her if shit doesn;t change soon.

Yesterday was Pop N' Fresh's bday (my Dad) so we all went to see a movie (Hotman, eh). Later, Dave (my BIL) told me my sis got trashed again Friday night and fell face flat into a glass table. I don;t know how she managed to not fuck up her face

I love the Holidays!

More later.

Getting it all out

2007-11-19T22:40:00.000-05:00

My sister is seven years older than me. When I was young I looked up to her; I thought she wasl and in some ways I wanted to be like her. When I was 9, 10, 11, 12...we used to hang out and do things together. She used to dress me up and take me out with her friends and we'd go downtown and have dinner and walk around and hang out. And I felt special because she didn;t do the same with my older brother who is three years younger than her.

That started to change about the time that I was 13. My sister has been alcoholic to varying degrees for 19 years. And it really hasn;t ever gotten any better, it's just gotten worse.

When I came out to her years ago, our relationship really changed. The night I came out she was very supportive and curious and even excited. But the next day she informed me that she felt betrayed because I had kept a secret from her. Soon after she got a DUI and her living arrangements changed and I saw her a lot more often. I would often come home after a weekend away and gfind her drunk and beligerent and would have to clean up after her.

One night she was mad at me because I was using my computer for a paper I had to write for school and she wanted to get on AOL to chat with a guy she met on there (who ater became her husband). She ended up getting drunk and starting a fight. Made some unforgivable personal attacks on me concerning my homosexuality.

After that I didn;t have much to do with her. But, she's my sister, right? I can't ever totally get away from her.

One night in May of 2004 I went over to her apartment because I needed to get away. This was the first time I was going to be spending any time with her in a long while. Long story short, she got mad at me whehn she realized I knew something she didn;t want me to know, left and got drunk, then came home, thru a fit, and thru me out of her apartment at 2 am when I had no way of getting home.

I guess telling the whole story in kind of pointless. The point is that my sister is a beligerent, hateful drunk, and really a very selfish and horrible person, even when she's sober.

Lately tho she's gotten another DUI (her third that I know of). Since then, nearly every weekend she gets drunk (and sometimes more than once a week). My inept brother in law calls my mother and she goes over and takes so much abuse just trying to clean up after my sister's ungeatful ass.

As I write this, it's happened again. And I hear that she was physically violent towards my mother.

I'm going to be honest. I've seen enough of my sister's behavior to know that she is going to end up dead some way or the other. And, as bad as it sounds, most often nowadays I'm just hoping that it happens soon.

My sister is like cancer, infecting everyone unfortunate enough to stuble too closely. I am a second from completely disowning her.

The thing that kills me is that we all had a great life growing up. I mean, we never wanted for anything. The family wasn;t abusive. We went to good schools, we all had friends. Ya, my dad was kind of a cock, but nothing's perfect.

AND, my sister was the hands down favorite. Given everything to become successful and productive and now she's shitting it away on alcohol.

She had a teaching job, and she was a GOOD teacher. She gave it up, for, as far as I can tell, because they wanted her to switch the grade she taught and she was unwilling to do so. Now she's apparently taking classes at some dermatology school, or some shit. That's when she's not too shitfaced to make it to class.

Wedneasday and Thursday I have to be around her and I know my Mom will want me to pretend everything is fine. But I can;t do that. I don't even want to see her.

Being perfectly honest, I hate her...profoundly. She has no respect for herself or the people around her. I've lost track of the time she's threatened to kill herself...and I sometimes find myself wishing she'd just do it.

But, you see, I know they are empty threats. She doesn;t have the balls to kuill herself on purpose. Plus, everything that she does is for attention.

I refuse to engage her. The best I can do is cut off tcontact and hope for the best. I do want her to get better. I want her to go to rehab. I wantr her to do anything that will make her stop being an utterful hateful, horrible person. But I'm unwilling to subject myself to any more of her abuse.

We will talk to her and she will admit that she has a problem with alcohol and say she needs to do something about it. And then within a few days she'll get trashed again and be passed out in bed the whole next day.

She has no respect for herself or others. I have no respect for her.

I stopped being able to cry years ago. The best I can do is talk and write. I cannot feel, not about this.

Sir Slacksalot

2007-11-19T17:46:00.000-05:00

So, I'm still trying to figure out this whole blogspot thing...and by "figure out" I mean I'm hoping one day I'll sign on and it'll look really cool, as if by Magic, because...effort is for losers...and AIM radio is playing Enya and making me really (marsh)mellow and sleepy,

Actually, I kind of hate Enya...but then, if I don;t change the station, I'll start to like it. Enya is like a drug. You know it's bad, but it feels so good. Enya is my Vodka. Vodka in song. Is Enya one person? I don't even know.

Thank god, the song changed...old school Nelly Furtado.

Days totally run together...as they always do. Thanksgiving is in three days and I have a lot of cakes to make by then. Actually, really only two days...Thanksgiving starts Wednesday for me. My brother in law's ever-increasing parade of relatives has sent the latest contingent in the form of his step sister and her friend. Oh, the joy, to sit thru ANOTHER family dinner with my sister. Desperately trying to keep the peace, but wanting to rip her a new asshole. But that's a different blog.

Maybe the step sister will prove amusing...but it's doubtful

Thursday we will all go up to my brother's apartment for TG dinner. I think there will be 14 of us now. The count keeps going up. This is the part I will enjoy. I haven;t seen my sister in law's family in a long time now. Christy's dad reminds me of a butch Dom Deluise. Think about it. It's kind of funny ;)

Must go, more later

Thieving monkeys

2007-11-17T23:41:00.000-05:00

Apparently there is a group of monkeys getting all up in people's shit in northeast India, stealing cell phones, breaking into homes and drinking cokes out of the fridge, and slapping bitches in the face! Don't believe me?? Go here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071117/od_afp/indiawildlifeanimalmonkeysoffbeat_071117080843

So, this my first blog post...after having one on MySpace for quite awhile...and I may not even keep it...but I might.

I don't know what I'll write, but tomorrow I'll try to play with the layout, so it doesn;t suck so much....err, something.

YAY, blogs!